Trapped in an Elevator

January 13, 2009
By Brandon Altenburg, Hartland, WI

Allen Iverson is in an awful mood. He had just fired his fourth agent in less than three years,
didn't think his contract was worth even dressing up for, and was furious that his team was fining
him $10,000 for skipping a practice. Walking into the elevator on the 76th floor Iverson's still
ranting and raving to himself "How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?" As
the elevator reaches the 13th floor the doors open and a haunted looking man with white and black
streaked hair and a large collection of rusty knives sticking out of his ratty duffel bag enters the
elevator. Brandishing a long, extra rusty knife the demon barber inquires "How do like my new
shaving blade, I just picked it up from Knives Emporium. Name's Sweeney Todd by the way, and you
are?" Iverson replies, "Yo I'm The Answer fosho and we not talking about the game man, we
talking about practice." Three teenage boys with long brown hair enter the elevator exclaiming
"Hey we just got back from practicing for 17 hours to put out or 4th album this year. We get to
sing the national anthem at the Wachovia Arena for the 76ers game next week. Yeah!!!" "When you
come to the arena, and you see me play, you've seen me play right, you've seen me give everything
I've got, but we're talking about practice right now," says a still flustered Iverson from the
back of the elevator, spinning a basketball on his finger. Suddenly the elevator screeches to a halt
and the lights go out. A few seconds later a red warning goes on and the top sign reads:
Warning-Your Elevator Has Malfunctioned Do Not Move! The Jonas brothers began singing one of their
own songs while dancing around the elevator. "Cause an empty room can be so loud. It's too many
tears to drown them out. So hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on." "Ya'll need to practice man,
seriously. The three of you suck. I mean, come on. We talkin' about practice man," Iverson said,
dribbling the ball through the people impressively. "One single smile, a helping hand. Hold on,
it's not that hard to be a friend. Hold on."Iverson started swearing as he threw the basketball
at the trio and pulled out his gun. "Hey, if ya'll don't shut up I'm gonna bust a cap in
here!" Meanwhile Sweeney Todd was admiring his new knife with which he had just punctured
Iverson's basketball. What the-, where'd my ball go. How'm I sposed to ball with no ball. I
mean listen, we're sitting here talking about practice, but I can't practice with no ball. "Good
sir, I do believe these three helpless young boys would give a much lesser performance and most
likely be banned from singing forever if I were to simply give them a haircut. Then people will see
how horribly bad they really are," Sweeney Todd says. "Yeah, I like that." Iverson covers the
three boys with his piece while Todd cuts, rips, and yanks all their hair out until they are left
with scarred faces, patchy hair, and tons of bald spots. Soon, the paparazzi, upon hearing the Jonas
boys had lost their looks and had been given a lifetime ban on singing by the U.S. Supreme Court,
had gotten the firefighters to rescue the trapped occupants. Sweeney Todd continued "cutting"
hair, Iverson continued skipping practice, and the Jonas boys were never heard to sing again (thank
god). The 76ers chose Rosie O'Donnell to sing the national anthem instead.

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