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A Wise Tale of the Old Prospector
Once upon a time there was an old prospector. This old prospectors name was Gus Chiggins. He lived in an old log cabin down yonder. It was built by Gus nearly fifty years ago to this day and is made of wooden logs.
One day old Gus decided to go looking for some food. He thought out loud to himself, “What should I have for dinner tonight? Hmmmmm. Squirrel. No, had that last week. Deer. No, not in the mood. Hippopotamus. No, couldn’t drag it back here by dark. I got it. I’ll have a nice sweetened BEAR!”
After Gus was done pondering, he planned out his attack. He got his rifle and walked out the door.
Gus picked up mushrooms, wild onions, and peppers on his hunt and put them in his sack. It was nearly three hours after leaving his house that he came upon his first prey of the day.
Gus crept behind a log about thirty feet away from the bear. He took aim and fired. Gus hoped for the first bullet to make the bear fall, but as every hunter knows a bear never goes down on the first try. So he fumbled to load a next bullet, unfortunately this bear was fast and ran off before Chiggins could reload.
Gus mumbled to himself, “Damnit, old prospector, you just ain’t as fast as you used to be.”
After Gus took in the moment and realized he could do nothing about his runaway bear, he sucked it up and went to look for another. It took him a long while. It was about two hours before he found the next bear. But since he woke up nice and early it was only around 3 p.m. So he took sight on the bear and fired, reloaded and fired, reloaded and fired. The third bullet looked as if it struck the bear directly in the head.
Gus got up from his spot as the bear fell over. “Chiggins, you still got it. You old buffoon,” he yelled out. Then he did the rebel yell. It echoed throughout the forest, but no one heard it except him and the animals all around.
He walked straight up to the bear, it was dead alright. The last bullet had struck the bear in the head and it died a few seconds later after impact. Gus began to tie up the bear as another one approached. He dove for some nearby bushes. Luckily the bear that was approaching the dead hide did not notice Chiggins in the bushes.
Gus waited for the bear to just keep on walking, but it did not. It stopped at the dead companion, and somehow scanned it from glowing red eyes. Then it transformed into a forty foot robot.
It was Megatron.
The old prospector was freaking out. He was scared for his life. He tried to sneak out of the bushes slowly, but did not succeed for he stepped on a twig.
Megatron turned towards Chiggins. Gus got up and started to run but was no match for the alien robot chasing him. Megatron caught up to Gus in one stride but for Gus it was more like twenty. Megatron flung at Gus with his middle finger. Gus flew about thirty feet and slammed into a tree.
Struggling to get up, Gus saw Megatron coming closer. Megatron gleamed at Gus with his red penetrating eyes. Then the cybernetic organism spoke, “ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN 2-1-7?”
“Wha-?” was all Gus managed to get out.
“ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN 2-1-7?”
“No,” Gus squeaked out, trembling in disbelief.
“Who are you then?”
Gus realized he was in no immediate danger and answered, “Gus Chiggins!”
Megatron stumbled through his next question, “What I-I didn’t get that last part?”
“Chiggins. C-H-I-G-G-I-N-S. Chiggins!”
Megatron was now much calmer as he looked at Chiggins, “Oh, then you are of no service to me.” Megatron pointed his now transformed hand at Gus.
Gus looked down the barrel of Megatrons cannons, “Oh, cinnamon and gravy!” He closed his eyes waiting for his bound to be terrible and painful death when he heard a voice. Chiggins looked as Peter Griffin swung on a vine towards Megatron.
“Yeeeaahhh,” said Peter in a cheerful voice.
Gus couldn’t believe what just happened. He wasn’t dead, the machine was. He was saved, by Peter Griffin. He was saved by a cartoon character who was now walking towards him.
“Don’t worry sir, you are now safe!” said Griffing in a heroic voice.
“Th-th-th-ank you,” stuttered Gus.
“No thanks necessary. I’m just doing the heroic work of G-Man!”
“What’s your name?” asked Chiggins.
Peter did no want to give up his secret identity, so he looked around nervously, “Umm.” Peter spotted some peas, “Pea,” then he saw a tear coming from Megatron’s now dead body, “Tear.” Then out of nowhere a griffin swooped down, “Griffin. Yeah Peter Griffin,” realizing he gave up his true identity he said, “dangit.”
Chiggins spoke up after he noticed Griffin was done speaking, “Well, Peter, I think we should get out of here.”
“Yeah,” responds Peter.
They speed off through the forest with Gus leading the way. Soon they come to a lake, and abruptly stop. Both of them notice men unloading green packages off a boat.
“Look,” says Chiggins, “drug smugglers. They’ve been coming to this lake for the past few years, unloading drugs. This is one of their drop off points to get their product into the U.S. without notice. Lets stop them!”
“Nooooo,” replies Griffin, “I saved you from that robot and have had enough action for the day.”
Gus looks at Peter, “Fine have it your way.” Chiggins jumps out from behind the log him and Griffing were hiding behind and charges at the drug smugglers. He pulls his pistol from his side and shoots until his gun is empty. He takes out five of the seven drug smugglers.
Peter sees a boat approaching the drug smugglers. It has FBI written on the side. He realizes the government is on to these drug smugglers and was about to bust them but Chiggins got there first. Peter wants to be recognized as an American hero just as Gus will be so he gets up from behind the log. He tries to jump over it but, instead, trips.
“CHHHHH-AHHHHHH, CHHHHH-AHHHHHH, CHHHHH-AHHHHHH, CHHHHH-AHHHHHH,” Griffin moans wild holding his knee.
Meanwhile Chiggins reloads his Desert Eagle pistol as the FBI boat approaches. He hopes this oncoming boat has distracted the smugglers and jumps up. The boat has distracted them and he fires off two rounds, each penetrating the two remaining smugglers heads.
“Freeeeze,” yells and FBI agent, “DROP THE WEAPON NOW!”
Gus drops his pistol and throws up his hands. A few moments later the FBI agents have Chiggins in a helicopter and behind him coming Peter Griffin.
As a few hours pass, these two brave knights are on their way to the White House. Even though they don’t know it, they are being taken to the President for awards of heroism. Both Gus and Peter are forced into the White House. “Oh peaches. Haven’t been this close to the White House since after Vietnam,” says Gus.
They are soon forced through a series of hallways until they arrive at an office. They step through and realize that it’s the Noble Office. They are forced into two chairs in front of the Presidents empty desk.
A few minutes go by and Peter asks, “What the hell are we waiting for?” a nearby agent tells him to shut up just as a door opens, “Well hello,” says President Grimace.
“Oh hey look its Ronald McDonald’s stupid friend,” Peter points out.
“That’s the President of the United States of America you’re talking about, bub,” says one of the Presidents personal CIA guards.
“You FBI agents can leave now,” says the President to the agents. The FBI agents leave and close the door silently as they leave.
“Ok,” continues the President, “down to business. You two gentlemen stopped drug smugglers who were at the top of the FBI’s list.”
“Well I did. This bucket of crap just sat behind and hid,” says Chiggins.
“I like to think I helped,” says Peter Griffin.
“Anyway,” continues the President, “you are both being awarded with the medal of honor for bravery or,” he looks over at Peter, “no bravery.”
“Mr. President. I have a high appreciation for this,” says Chiggins, “but I know how to solve the drug smuggling problem.”
“You do?” asks the president
“Yes. All you have to do is legalize one drug. And since marijuana is a more popular choice and a safer one, I would go with that. Also the government would be able to charge taxes and make a lot more money. The economy would improve greatly.”
“I see and also agree. It’s about time I propose this bill to congress. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
The next day the congress approved the legalization of marijuana in the U.S.
Over the next year the economy improved and Gus Chiggins and Peter Griffin lived happily ever after.