To whom it may concern,


Please excuse everyone everywhere for a potentially cynical outlook on love. I would like to file a complaint with the Bureau of Romantic Affairs. I let it slide that you are responsible for giving girls unrealistic expectations about love with your Disney movies. This time, however, you have gone too far. Whoever came up with the ridiculous notion that the first kiss in a relationship is supposed to be insanely, over-the-top romantic was seriously, seriously misguided and needs to be severely punished. This notion has been plaguing couples for ages, but I feel it’s time to speak up.
Everyone says that your first kiss ever is supposed to be cute and romantic and all that, but I’m going beyond that. I’m talking about all first kisses. In each new relationship that first kiss is something to look forward to, but I for one will say I have never experienced that romantic first kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I have had the romantic kisses, taking the cake would probably be kissing in the rain, but all of my first kisses have pretty much just been weird.

It’s not really fair to count my first, first kiss, I was 4 years old and it was the Rabbi’s son. I don’t really remember it, but I have been told our families have video. For the record, in high school, when I had a brief relationship with his older brother, it was still just as awkward. My main complaint however is not with the little childhood kisses. What about the cruel and unusual punishment that are the games: Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare, and Seven Minutes in Heaven? Nothing good comes from these games and we know it. Not only did we get in trouble on the playground, but the lucky couple was the talk of the school for the next week.

Oh, and those God awful middle school kisses where you had to be armed with a posse of about twenty of your “bestest” friends, while an extra five kept watch, just in case. Moving up in age, we are faced with the “braces” stage of life where our osculating was cursed with that oh-so-wonderful sound of scraping metal. That was just so romantic.
As we get older, the kisses do get slightly better, but the first ones are always still awkward. Some seemed like they should be romantic, whether by setting or circumstance, but they just weren’t. For instance, this particular situation sounds perfect: unseasonably warm day, walking around the park, finally reunited after one of us being gone almost two weeks on vacation…cue the singing animals, right? WRONG! Sadly enough, that kiss may have been the weirdest of them all. There are also those kisses that come out of nowhere, the unexpected first kiss. These magical kisses have the potential to be romantic, but not when you are stuck in an elevator.
You may be thinking that I just have bad luck when it comes to first kisses, but these are not only my stories. People everywhere complain about their first kisses! Why must you make us feel like we are unsuccessful in the concept of romance? We know it comes eventually in a relationship. All we ask is that you maybe consider publicly changing the standards for first kisses to make it a slightly more real expectation for future kissers to come.

Amorously,

Lily Townser