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Scars On Her Arm
"If you killed yourself...I'd kill myself...because if you died my life would be nothing but despair and suicidal...there..."-he typed this to me and my heart nearly skipped. I swear it would have stopped if he had of put I love you at the end of that.
"I love you so much..."-and then it did.
"But I'm only one person."-was all I could-no would-say to him. One person like Stormy....nothing significant there...but I guess that I was wrong.
"One person can change a life..."-no way...
Many weeks later on myspace I got a message saying that he had run away and that if anyone was looking for him he'd kill himself then...
"Stormy...are you there?"-he was talking to me?
"Yes. But where are you? Are you okay? Are you safe?" But what I really wanted to ask-Are you thinking of committing suicide? I just couldn't ask it...
"Of course I am. I'm just a little tired. I'm going to find a hotel okay? Wait for me till I get up?"-he wanted to talk to me? No he couldn't have...right?
"Sure, of course I will."-So I did. Several hours later he got up and started talking to me...then he got caught.
"They found me...I'm going home."-I felt so bad for him.
"I'm sorry, truly. Talk to me when you can...alright?"-So he listened and I was surprised.
"I'm going to commit suicide don't even bother trying to stop me Stormy!"-What had I done? He couldn't do it...not the one person I truly cared about.
"Please no you can't! I'll do it if you do it!"-I just threatened my life for his and he still didn't answer. That night I cried mostly until a response came about three o'clock in the morning.
"This is Jason"-his best friend.
"We're taking him to the hospital Stormy-are you alright?"-I couldn't answer...and I wouldn't do it either.
The Day After-
I fell asleep at the computer desk and when I woke up I had several different messages. Yahoo was just loads of fun...
"It's me Stormy, are you alright? If you die I swear I'll never forgive myself. Never."-why?
"I'm fine, are you?"-I wished I hadn't of asked.
"I have cancer, lung cancer from smoking...Stormy I'm so sorry. I lied to you about it all this time and I just didn't want you to get hurt...can you forgive me? I tried to take the easy way out-I love you."-Obviously not, not if you tried to commit suicide.
"No! You don't! Not if you tried to commit (murder) suicide!"-and then I might have well just ruined my life by making the biggest mistake of it.
"Don't ever talk to me again or so help me I WILL commit suicide! Do you understand?!"-had I just done that?
"Yes...I love you Stormy...sorry."-I love you too.
Two Months Later-
"Stormy!!! It's me, Allie! Please talk to me! It's about him!"-I really wish I didn't...
"What?"-I know I sounded like a jerk.
"You know I don't want to talk about him, Allie. Sorry."-I really wish I hadn't have answered in the first place.
"Last night he came down to dinner and acted like he was just fine then I guess I hadn't realized that he had grabbed a knife and he tried to commit suicide again. He's in the hospital"-what's new?-"Please help me! Talk to him!"-And this is where I really start regretting it.
"Hey..."-here we go.
"Why did you do it? Just tell me so We can get this over with? What's so wrong with YOUR life?"-the answer was so romantic-but it was also what I desperately didn't hope for.
"I wanted to get rid of myself because I love you and hurt you once which was all my fault and now you wanted me gone and I wanted to make sure that I was gone or you but please Stormy I love you forgive me. For everything stupid I've done. I know I make mistakes but if I could use the backspace button on the computer and delete all that I've put you through I would. I know I've lied alot and I know that you think I'm an idiot-I am-I admit it...bit please forgive me?!?"-I cried
"I do, I love you too. Don't ever try that again though-okay?"-so he promised.
"I'm going to get some shut eye, alright Stormy?"-so I told him bye, and that's what we did...rested. I just wished we hadn't have. Believe...I really do.
Two Days Later-
"Yeah?"-Stormy, earth to Stormy
"He went into shock this morning around five. And now he's in a coma. They don't know if he'll wake up-"...impossible.
"Oh-"...I got off Yahoo. I couldn't talk. Not then anyway.
The Day I'll Never Forget-
"Yeah, Allie?"-I didn't want to know.
"Christopher-he..."-I knew what was next...I swear it-"He died last night. And I just had to tell you."
You know that feeling that you get, where your mind blurs and then caves in, and your throat closes up and you can't breath. Your face burns, your eyes burn, and you turn red in the face. You know. Crying?
"He wrote you a poem though-I'll send it to you later...I have to go. Bye Stormy."-Ugh. No.
This Isn't Happening-
"Hey Stormy I'm out of the hospital. Want to hang out?"-I love you
"Sure, How could I not! I'll get dressed."-And then you'll pick me up.
"I'm outside your house? Come out quickly!"-I couldn't move my legs fast enough.
"I'm here!"-and then he hugged me...and got down on one knee.
"You mean it? Me, Stormy?"-my heart stopped for a while. Long enough for me to wake up back to the reality of it all.
This is Happening-
Days. Weeks. Months. A Year.
He never came back, never came back to me. Not like I expected him to. I knew he wouldn't. I felt like an idiot. Worthless. Invalidate. Fear, depression, and everything. He meant everything until he was gone...and still. I had no one to mean anything too. I felt so helpless. And I Miss him Terribly.
Unfortunately I cannot put his poem here because he wrote it, not me. I'm sorry.