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Jose the Jalapeño's Version Of The Tortoise And The Hare
Hi everyone. My name is Jose. Jose the Jalapeño, on a stick. You have recently heard Tyrone the Tortoise’s version of the story. Well most of what he told you was false. I will tell you my version of this story.
Once upon a time in the city of the Bronx, there were these two rival gangs. One was called the Crips and the other was called the Bloods. The Crips included Tyrone tortoise, Timmy and Jimmy, you know, the guys from South Park. The other gang, the Bloods included Achmed, Me, and Jose the Hare. Our gangs are always fighting each other because of the territory problem.
One day we were going to bring the Crips a peace treaty to there warehouse. We wanted the fighting to end and instead just share the territory. We’ll that could not have been done because all the Crips did was spaz out.
When we arrived to the hangout in our beater crap car, there was this awkward smell. We came closer and saw that the Crips were smoking pot and pouring gasoline on the warehouse, probably to get the insurance money. We continued and kept moving forward. We saw Jimmy and asked him if we could see Tyrone, the leader of the gang. Jimmy refuses and instead pulls out an Uzi and starts shooting at us. Timmy, another gang member comes rolling out of the hangout with an AK-47. Timmy starts firing as well. One of Jimmy’s shots hit me and I was down on the ground. Our gang started firing because we weren’t about to be killed by a psycho gang. Jose the Hare hands me an M-16 and I start shooting from the ground.
Tyrone the Tortoise then comes running out with a rocket launcher. He launches a rocket at our beater crap car. The explosion of the car made the gasoline, which the Crips had poured on their hangout earlier, catch fire and causing the hangout to explode as well. The debris from the explosion knocked us all off of our feet. After that everything went black. We woke up. We were all under the debris from the wrecked hangout.
We came out of the wreckage and pointed our guns at each other. My gang said we should just end the fighting and share the territory instead. We’ll this idea wasn’t selected because of course, as the Crips are always, had to have a competition for the territory. They decided on having a street race. The race was next evening at 10:00. In the meantime, we had to get cars for this race.
I purchased an Acura NSX Mugen RR. The Crips, knowing how cheap they are, purchased 3 crappy cars. The rest of my gang purchased high quality street racing cars.
When the evening came, we were all at the starting line waiting for Quagmire to say giggity giggity go. When he said go we took off at a horrendous speed. My car was in the lead followed by Jimmy, Achmed, Tyrone, Jose the Hare, and Timmy. Timmy pulled alongside Jose the Hare’s car and smashed the side of it. Jose then pulled out an Uzi and shot at Timmy’s car. He shot at the gas tank and blew Timmy’s car up. Timmy was without a doubt, out of the race. Tyrone pulled alongside Achmed. He then pulled out an M-16 and shot at Achmed. Achmed was shot a couple of times, but his damage no where close to the damage on his car. Achmed’s car was in so bad shape that there was only one thing he could do. He pulled alongside Jimmy’s car, activated a bomb strapped to his chest, and then screamed, “Allaaahhh”, and pressed the button to ignite. The bomb immediately responded and blew up in an instant. There was an ear shrieking sound and then we saw both cars explode in an instant. During the explosion, debris from both cars shot up into o mid air and hurled back down to the ground. Bothe cars no doubt totaled and no doubt out of the race. We didn’t know if the drivers were ok or not. We didn’t have time to check, we had to continue the race. I was still in the lead followed by Tyrone and then Jose the Hare. Tyrone shot at my car with an M-16 he hit both of my back tires out and I spun out of control. While I was spinning out of control I smashed into Jose the Hare’s car sending both of us sailing off the bridge over the lower highway. Luckily when my car impacted the ground my car and me were alright, but sadly Jose the Hare was not so lucky. When he impacted the ground his car was all smashed up. He was then hit by a mini-van. His car sailed in the air and went in a ditch where he was later mugged and his car was vandalized of its parts.
Even though my car was in ok shape, the back two tires needed to be fixed. I had to take the time to change the tires. During this time Tyrone was still racing and in the lead. He decided he had enough time to pull off a robbery. He pulled over to the nearest Taco Bell and got out of his car with an Uzi. He ran in and hollered for everyone to get on the ground. He demanded for all of the cash in the register and all of the tacos in the oven. The workers fulfilled hi demands and brought him the money and the tacos. He then left the restaurant and went back to his car and counted the items. He had 13 tacos and $23.40 in cash. While he was off robbing Taco Bell I was working on my car. It didn’t take me long to fix my car thanks to a nearby auto parts store. All I had to do was drive a little further from were I had crashed, and pull into the auto part garage. The workers did the rest.
Once they had fixed my tires they gave me an extra nitrous booster to speed my car up. They were so helpful that they even promised to escort me to the finish line, and then only thing they asked in return was a gift card to Show Girls and to put their logo on my car. Once they were finished working on my car they, as they had promised earlier, escorted me all of the way with 3 auto part trucks. We were still not done with the race. We saw Tyrone’s car. He must have finished his Taco Bell robbery. I was trying to catch him when one of the auto part vehicles smashed into my car. I thought it was an accident at first, until the second truck escorting me smashed my bumper. I knew now that something was not right. I figured that the Crips paid these guys off earlier, expecting there would be a crash. These guys continued to smash into my car. I managed to outmaneuver them and catch up to Tyrone.
Once I had caught up to him I heard this ear shrieking sound. I looked back at my tires and saw that both of my tires were in shambles. The only thing left was a little amount of rubber and bare metal. The auto part workers must have messed with this too. The tires continued to shriek. If I did not do something now I would lose. I hit the nitrous button and their was a loud thud. In the flash of the eye there was this huge explosion. My nitrous fuel supply had ignited causing it to explode. The explosion blew off the rear part of my car off splitting the car into two. My car then started to roll later smashing into an Elementary school where I saw Michael Jackson playing tag with the little boys and girls. The explosion also caught Tyrone off guard and it took his car out as well. Tyrone’s car flipped in the air and impacted with the ground. His car then started to roll and smashed into a Starbucks.
I jumped out of my car and ran to the finish line. I saw Tyrone jump out of his car as well. I was almost to the finish line when Tyrone’s friends from the auto part store rolled up in a truck holding AK-47s and fired rounds of ammunition through me. I immediately fell to the ground and bled. Everything was starting to go black. I tried to fight it. I managed to crawl to the finish line. I was almost there when I lost control. Everything went total dark.
I woke up. I was in the hospital. All of my gang members were at my side. They told me what had happened. I asked who won the race. They said that I had won the race because when I passed out and my finger tips just hit the finish line. They told me that Tyrone was almost to the finish line when the cops showed up and arrested him. They arrested him because of a 911 call from an old man who was annoyed by all of the noise.
Well, everything seems to always work out. I had won the race. Tyrone got arrested. And I survived the gunshots.
The moral to this story is that everything always works out in the end.