She feels as though no one could possibly understand, when part of the world crumbles and no one is there. Many feel misunderstood yet stay silent. She knows someone else in this small world has been hurt. Though they never claim the pain they have because it was never theirs' to claim. She stands at the second the math teachers wait for, watching the trains collide. She cannot stop them but she can already tell precious cargo is ruined. She is still frozen because the camel's back is broken from so much hay it has carried so far. The moment of truth, now she must decide which candles are worth hauling for another day. A storm sweeps in, and in the flashes of light past and present flames call out. In the wind leaves fall gently to the ground. The pelting rain on her face brings memories that slide down to the ground only to be forgotten and unattainable, once again. She walks hoping to arrive at the destination but not quite knowing where it is yet. She stumbles in the mud and wonders why she left the undeniable comfort in chaos and anonymity for the lonely path. The path is only lit by the flashes of lightning in the dark night sky and the the stars, which give her reason to doubt she will ever find what she has lost. What if more fish in the vast ocean means more despair? What if letting go leaves her on the sidelines of something destined every time for failure? The girl inside her weeps for the stars, lightning, and loss. The girl inside knows the fate of "she" and the destination: a station. The two comfort each other while waiting on the platform "she" is confident, brave, and seemingly unbreakable while the girl inside is broken. They both know before they board the train that they must melt the candle of that flame they both so secretly wanted. She lets the girl on the inside cry because she and so much of her are leaving on a train. She is headed for where she needs to go where she is called and many of the pieces are going too. Now that the despairing nights are over she longs and wishes to say goodbye to one who won't be there, and well may not even know she has left. The wind may never call her to this place again and many well wishers stand by smiling, caring, and showing their love. The minutes tick and slowly inch toward the final second. An inhale and an exhale slowly leave her lips and a smile escapes, a genuine smile. For though one threatened to melt away in the early morning everything worth anything was on the train and people who believe in love were letting her go. She tries to grasp the moment a fleeting second in time to always remember but when she opens her hand the water slowly falls to the ground. Goodbye forever! the girl inside shouts but the unrelenting and painful wax will not melt away without burning her heart. As it burns the wax stings but it also reflects the ambiance of what she has lost. The wax melts and flies out the window of the speeding train landing somewhere far away. As the wax leaves her she realizes how indescribably lovely the candle was and she wishes she could of held on to the candle forever. The girl inside knows better, the candle would only cause more and more pain. Just as the wind cannot keep a leaf suspended in the air when it needs to fall nor can a heart meet something that is never coming. The train would have, could have left long ago but she delayed it. She had delayed departure while watching the collision the fire of hopes and dreams frozen forever in a rain drop that fell too fast. The closer the trains destination, the more hope dies that a miracle in which: one would return and the wax would defy every one's expectations and become a lit candle again. The candles and the hope could only lead to despair and nightmares. Nightmares of parading camels and their hay and fires long since blown out, rain falling to earth, and one she must forever let go of. Thoughts of the storm calm her, the reliable thunder rolling across the plains always calmly after the lightning streaking across the the sky. The thunder no matter how tired follows the flashes of light. Just like the camel who takes the straw off it's back and tries to press on. She had to be strong and open her heart to the new and the horizon of opportunity. She was not quite brave enough to say forever but her voice reverberated off the walls as she did shout: Goodbye!
The Story of She
May 28, 2009