When I'm in Valhalla, None of this Will Matter

May 25, 2009
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Alas! What have I, Thor, the god of thunder done to deserve a punishment only fit for a traitor such as Loki. Heimdall you fool! You allowed far too many guests into the Aesir’s summer solstice festival. Now we are completely out of food. For I am Odin’s favorite son, he only trusts me to go to the grocery store for our food supplies. I crack the reigns on my chariot and my horses begin to gallop faster, thus causing my long red beard and even longer red hair to fly back in the strong wind. On the voyage, I pondered this one question in anger. Why purchase food when we have able bodied men to hunt for meat, and the women to do the gardening?

Arriving at Value mart, the store for great values, I stop my golden chariot on a few mere mortals primitive transportation machines. Did they not know the God of thunder was arriving and they should allow him ample room near the front of the store? Stepping down on the ground that was as hard as stone and dark as the night; I wondered, did This Value mart, the store for great values, hold the food fit for a viking warrior? I walked up to the door and before I could lift a finger, the door opened by itself. Finally, some magic and respect for a god. Stepping through, I grabbed a metal basket on wheels. However, when I pushed it the wheels would squeak and irradicly turn the wrong way. Why now must I have to deal with this? My rage vastly increased until I could take it no more. Picking up the basket (that I now know was called a cart after being scolded by Craig, assistant manager for groceries) I proceeded to crush it in to a small ball and threw it out of the store before grabbing a new cart. Noticing that the produce section was near, I pushed through the other shoppers so I could purchase my various vegetables. After looking around for a while, an idea hit me like the hard punch of an ice dwarves, I had no idea what produce items were fit for a Norse god or animal. Turning to one mortal who was wearing a Value mart, the store for great values shirt I questioned,

“Excuse me small mortal of midgard, loyal employee of Value mart, the store for great values but would you tell me the proper vegetables for keeping the horse of a god strong and healthy?” This small man appeared to be scared at the very image of me, not that I'm proud of that or anything. His eyes grew exponentially, as though they would pop out of his face, and his puny jaw almost dropped to the floor. “Well, do you know any thing at all, you fool?” I shouted at him now furious. This stupid mortal could not even manage to stammer out an answer. Knowing no other way to deal with my rage, I reached for a head of lettuce, and threw it at him. Hitting him squarely in the face, my anger lessened. Still confused, I just grabbed some bags of what mortals call salad, along with some carrots and threw them into my cart.

Soon after, I had to deal with the most annoying part of my entire voyage. Craig, assistant manager for groceries of Value mart, the store for great values walked up to me. His black hair shined in the lights due to the grease he no doubtedly used to part his hair. His short sleeved collared shirt was closed at the neck with a piece of brightly colored cloth and his shirt appeared to be darker in color around his armpits.

“Excuse m-m-m-me m-m-m-mister Thor, is it?” Craig, assistant manager for groceries of Value mart, the store for values asked me feebly.

“Yes, what do you need tiny mortal, are there giants attacking your store that need vanquishing?” I responded.

“Um, n-n-n-n-no, last t-t-time I checked we do n-n-not have any g-g-giants. But, I need to remind you, p-p-please do not throw anything at our employees, for their safety.” Annoyed, I responded,

“Well, if that employees was properly trained to answer the questions of an aesir, that confrontation would have never occurred.” And with that, I walked away. With produce out of the way all I needed now was some meat and would be out of this forsaken place. Making my way to the butcher’s area, I grew worried. I could not see any whole hogs, or sides of beef. I proceeded to ask the butcher for the reason of this, but he could only tell me that they just sold the meat pre-butchered, no full animals are available. Nooooooooo! Did they not know that I am Thor, Odin’s son, protector of both asgard and midgard? My rage once again raised, I pulled out Mjollinir, my trusty hammer. I slowly raised it above my head and with one quick strike, slammed it through the glass. I grabbed all the meat I wanted and placed them in my metal basket.

After my poor experiences throughout the store, I felt I might as well just purchase these goods and leave. Walking up to one of the lines, I again grew confused. Why did none of these mortal allow me, the god of thunder to pass them in line, and why were they all paying with these small green pieces of paper? Is gold not the national currency still? Finally reaching the front of the line the scared looking cashier scanned all of my items through and told me the bill is $127.89. Tossing her a bar of gold, I told her that this should cover it. I exited the store and I could hear the quiet sound of the cashier’s voice on the phone asking for Craig to come to checkout lane three.

After throwing my bags of meat and vegetable into my chariot, I boarded my vessel, snapped the reigns and I was off. Thinking over the days events, I made a promise to myself, never again shall I ever travel back to Value mart, the store for great values.





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