My Pet Peeve

May 20, 2009
By Anonymous

Right Bed Stand
265 Main Street
Elderlyville, CO

Dear Mommy,

My life has been somewhat difficult over the past couple weeks. I am writing this letter hoping to fix some problems that I have had to face. You have been very selfish and haven’t taken into account what I want.

First order of business, food. I need steak at least three times a week. The salmon with Spanish rice never stays in my stomach and I want to warn you about some of the food stain under the couch. Sorry. I also enjoy sweet food for breakfast and salty food for lunch. Beneful is favorite brand. Iams is disgusting. I only will eat premium food. I know the food storage is filled to the brim with Iams. You will have to force feed me if you want me to eat that disgusting food. I believe in Thanksgiving and Christmas too but I never get a good meal. Turkey is also my favorite but the only pieces I get are the crumbs from Baby Charlie. I deserve at least a whole leg. Christmas cookies are also a great snack in the morning. I’m the one who stole the cookies from the cookie jar. It’s a talent that has served me well.

Second, clothes. Are you blind? I’m a female and female where pink and red. The disgusting brown sweater is good enough for a mutt. Next weekend you have to take me shopping for some sweaters and hats, and maybe some nice little pink footies. I also need some shirts like a shirt from Animal Cops: NYC, which I can only watch when you leave. I’ve always wanted a nice pink visor to keep the pesky sun out of my eyes when we go for a walk.

Third, jewelry. On the shows everybody is wearing gold and silver jewelry. My question is, why don’t I have any? A gold necklace or a silver bracelet would be nice. Then I could fit in with all the upper class. Plus I have to show all the others in our neighborhood that I’m too classy to be friends with them. Also the disgusting collar I’m wearing is scratchy and smells like wet dog. I need a nice polished metal collar that sparkles in the sun, like the one in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Last but not least, sleeping area. I’ve slept on the same blanket since you got me. I need a bed the has built in heat and maybe a fluffy pink blanket. Also I enjoy sleeping with you but you snore like a banshee. I’ve talked with the neighbor’s puddle and on quiet nights she can hear from her house. I’m surprised I’m not deaf.
I know this may come as a surprise to you but I have feelings. I expect to be treated better than your grandchildren.

With Much Doggy Love,

P.S. When I turn 7 I’m getting my tail pierced not matter what you say!

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