Mr. Burke does it again

May 21, 2009
By Anonymous

"Ring-ring" the phone buzzed, alarming all the swat officers.(lead)

" Hello?" S.W.A.T officer Paco answered

"Yes, S.W.A.T?" A citizen of Cincinnati asked.

"Yes may I help you ma'am?" Paco answered.

"Yes this is Mrs. Gonzalez and I have to report something." She said

"Ok what is it?" Paco answered.

"I'm going to say this as calmly as possible when I say THE FIREGEM CASINO IS BEING ROBBED!" Mrs. Gonzalez Yelped.
Ok, so you already know that the fire-gem casino is being robbed right? Well I'm going to take you back pretty far. Here we go.
(6 months later)

I'm William Burke son of John Burke I was born in 1975 on may 29 th. I work at Mcsports and my life sucks! Everyday I go to work and get bossed around by my spoiled, anorexic boss. She has brown greasy hair and dresses like a giant preschooler. Her face has warts and big double shins, you wouldn't think that she's anorexic at all but she claims she is. She goes around all day long screaming at little kids because they can't decide whether to get strawberry or raspberry bubblegum. And she screams at employees because they say have a nice day to the customers and she is constantly harassing me. Everyday she goes to the back of the store and visits my cubical. She yells and yells just because I don't get something done exactly when its supposed to be done. I totally ignore her and she knows that which is why she yells more and more. So...

"come on Burke can you type a little faster. I'd be better off letting a sloth type he'd atleest type faster." she criticized.

Yep it was over, I had quit my job that payed about five dollars per hour. It was really hard to do, but it felt awesome. So I went home and...

"AAAHHH, SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE!" I was going ballistic, throwing pillows across the room and then I found a note and it said...

Dear whats your face, what I did was wrong
but your a total idiot so to gain respect I stole
all of your stuff. Have fuuuuun!
-your double chin freaked boss.

Oh my gosh she stole all of my stuff. She actually stole all of my stuff from money to laundry cleaner.
Its been three days and I have no more money. All my food is gone and I'm desperate so I'm going to go get some "sugar" right now. I know this place on 5 th and star way that sells the best "sugar" in town. So I'm going to go there. I get outside and the only thing left from the tragedy is my 1955 Volkswagen buggy, the only thing I can afford (barely).

And I grab my keys from the rusting key box and turned it in the slot. It hummed to life after a few puffs from the exhaust, hoping that the engine wouldn't explode I went to the 5 th and star way. When I got to the boarded up abandoned theater I parallel parked between a 2008 desert colored Humvee and a 2007 maroon Mitsubishi eclipse with leather interior. I got out and slammed the door and climbed under the barb wired fence, scratching my arms and legs. I went in and overheard a conversation of two men, one of them had dirty blond hair and baby blue eyes. Wearing a ragged aeropostale long tee and ripped sweatpants so you could see a fraction of his calf and he smelled of chocolate Axe. The other man a 5 foot 4 inch man with dirt brown hair in the style of a Mohawk. He wore a tony hawk shirt to small for him revealing his 6pack with dough nuts built in. And he smelled of dirty gym socks and cigarette smoke. This is the conversation...

"Hey dude what should we steal this week?" the dirty blond haired man asked.

"I don't know, I sure need some money though." the brown haired man answered.

"Yea I know what you mean Andy." Jeff said.

"Hey sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear that you need money, well so do I!" I asked nervously.

The two men just looked puzzled, and smiled at each other. Then suddenly Jeff had some kind of weird seizure and his heart leaked out of his nose. And regained shape and was still beating. And next came the lungs, they flew out of his mouth like when you let go of the end of a balloon and then popped into some kind of ashy type powder.

"Oh he does that whenever he has a idea... and then comes Chuck Norris-" Andy said. And just as he said chuck Norris came climbing out of Jeffy's eyes. And like a movie rewinding his body somehow reminded and everything went back in. And he surprisingly lived.

" Why don't we rob the Fire- Gem casino?" Jeff asked while everybody just gazed at him.

" Yea but how?” I asked still puzzled how that is even possible, still beholding his excellent powers.

“Well my friend Paco has everything because of his friend is Ahmed and Ahmed is a good friend of Osama Bin Laden.” Andy said.

“Yea lets go somewhere like Paco's!” Jeff said.

We went outside and turns out those cars, the Humvee and the Mitsubishi, they were Jeff's and Andy's. And so they roared to life. We did nothing for the car ride other than just look out of the window. Do you know that you can fit almost 8 people in a Humvee or maybe that was just the “sugar” that led me to think that you can fit 8 people into a Humvee. Anyway we finally got to Paco's house. And Jeff ...,yea the one that gets the “ideas” rings the doorbell. And the sound of the doorbell scared the crap out of me. Peeing my pants almost happened, especially when he opened the door with a RPG slung around over his shoulder like a burping baby.(participle)

“Hey Jeff. Can I help you, I was just cleaning my RPG?” Paco asked.

“How do you clean a RPG?” I asked.

“Very carefully!” replied Paco in a serious manner.”Ok, well again what can I help you with?” Paco asked getting very impatient.

“Well we need Ahmed's hookup's.” Jeff said in relief, if almost it was difficult for him.

“Ok, which one the terrorist terror, the world domination, or the holy crap I didn't know this was even possible package?” Paco asked while looking suspiciously out of the door.

“Do you even know what is in the holy crap I didn't know this was even possible package?” Paco asked like I was stupid.

“No but can you please tell me what is in it?” I asked like he was stupid but he didn't like it very much.

“ There is a fat man, nukes, Martian laser guns from Venus, a tank (mini), molitav cocktails, dehydrated mountain lions, squirrel claws-” Paco said as I interrupted.

“Why a squirrel claw?” I asked

“So you can climb up the tree next to the casino,dur! Anyway a flying squirrel flap and that is for when you have to jump out of the tree and fly to the casino, and you also have a m14.” Paco said while loosing his breath.

“Yea we will take the holy crap I didn't know that was even possible package” I said with no other decision. And as soon as I said package he was already packing it in the Humvee. We had a lot to do the next day so Jeff let me crash at his place.

“ Dude, will...WAKE UP!” Jeff said or screamed into my face.

“Ok,ok I'm up!” I groaned back at him.

Ok to day we are going to rob the fire gem casino.

“Hey Will go take a shower, get dressed and brush your teeth.(magic3)” Jeff said to me as I rolled off of the couch. When I was taking a shower the water beat me like a drum(personification). The water was trickling down my spine and arms. I turned the water off and it dripped onto the plastic ground of the steamy shower glass. Drip-drip-drip. Next I got dressed, I wore a black van-halen t-shirt that was to small but I liked it... It showed off my six pack. And I wore some black jeans that were tore up every spot I didn't want it ripped up. Then slung a khaki overcoat on and went out in the living room.

“Ok ready to go?” said Jeff and Andy at the same time.

We climbed(actionverbs) into the Humvee and started driving to the tree. The drive felt like it took a year.
My adrenaline was rushing, my heart thumping against my chest. We got there and I saw the little holes that I was supposed to climb with the squirrel claws. So I slipped on the squirrel claws and flying squirrel flaps. Put my back pack fulled of literately everything possible the the human mind. And sure enough the squirrel claws worked so if you ever have to climb a tree I recommend either Paco or killing a squirrel. When I got to the part where I had to fly I looked down, barely seeing Paco, Jeff, and Andy through the thick fog. Any way I jumped out and closed my eyes and again I felt like I was floating in air and the truth was is that yes, I was flying. So to be a show off I did a few figure eights and then SMACK. I had somehow torn the flaps and plunged my face into a wall in the top of the casino. I got up dusting the blood out of my face and pulled out my guns from Venus and tried them out on another squirrel and it looked like Jeff whenever he has a “idea” but the squirrel didn't stay alive exactly. Instead just like in the cartoons his body turned to ash and only his eyeballs were there.

“ Ok that works,Dang Paco, your one strange dude.” I said in surprise.

So I went in through the rooftop door and I was in the vault because I crashed into a wall and went through.

Yea I know you (the reader) were expecting this big commotion and a fight scene but not this story. Ok where was I oh right...

there was one guy that I had to face and that was the security guard but I farted and now hes dead thanks to Paco's burritos. Anyway the guy when he passed out forever he landed on the alarm button and I heard sirens. And so I went up through the rooftop door and jumped out and now I sit here at Guantanamo bay. But this is a conversation I heard.

“Hello S.W.A.T?” Mrs Gonzalez asked.

“yes? May I help you?” S.W.A.T. Asked.

“Ok I'm going to be calm as possible when I say THE FIREGEM CASINO IS BEING ROBBED!” Mrs. Gonzalez screamed and that's all I can remember because I was already in the cruiser heading off to Guantanamo bay.

I'm in the cruiser right now. And body throbbing, I layed in the worn in cruiser(absolute). I, a absolute idiot, layed thoughtlessly looking up at the scratched out ceiling of the cruiser thinking about if I still had my job, if I still had my life(adjectives shifted out of order). I'm going to rot myself away in Guantanamo bay having cold disgusting food. And everyday I sit grasping the bars giving the officers the please-tell-me-i-don't-deserve-this look. And then I, a low life disappointing man, sat at Guantanamo bay for as long as I can remember(appositive).

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