Dirty

May 18, 2009
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The light seeped through my window, filling my room with a dull glow. I forced my eyes to open, to come to terms with reality. I already had a headache. I was already done with the day.

I dragged myself to the bathroom, glancing at the mirror, but immediately my eyes shot to the floor at the sight of my pale, sickly face, disgusted at the way I presented myself.

I turned the shower on and stepped into the water while it was still cold, clothes and all. The water turned lukewarm and slapped against my back, but I couldn't feel it, could hardly hear it. I felt like the water. Lukewarm, uninteresting, tepid, bland, blank. everything sounded so far away; I was lost in my head.

I slowly peeled my clothes off, dropping them onto the floor. They fell with a slap, and I shivered. Such an unpleasant sound. I didn't even bother to wash my hair. it was Sunday. No one was going to see me. No need to pretty up for him. And he was on my mind again.

Those brown eyes that hardly stare back at me, but when they do, they make me so self-conscious. I started feeling nervous. He wasn't anywhere near and I was nervous.

I wanted to sing, to fill the empty air, but I felt so sick, so tired. So dirty.

The shower wasn't helping.

I turned it off and stepped onto my soaking clothes I had thrown onto the tile and shivered again.

I reached for a towel, though all of them were damp, and wrapped the first one my shaking hands touched around my pale body, not even attempting to dry myself off.

I walked back into my stuffy room, and looked through my drawers for something with which to hide myself, something to cover me. At least I could be invisible, at least he didn't have to see me like this. But I still had to.

I walked out into the kitchen and stared and the table and chairs, wondering where to sit, wondering where I belonged in this room. In this world. Did I belong anywhere? I felt so dirty.

Then I heard it. That sound, that calm, simple pitter-patter. Rain.

I watched the sky pour out everything it had held in for so long onto the ground below, right out side of the window. Relieving itself of all that pain, all that sorrow. I wanted to feel it. I opened the door and stepped outside. The smell of rain, it filled my senses.

And I did something I would have never done if not for the beauty of that moment.

I let go.





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