Public Service Annoucement

May 18, 2009
By Alan Chiang BRONZE, Valdosta, Georgia
Alan Chiang BRONZE, Valdosta, Georgia
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

The following is a public service announcement paid for by the Foundation for Understanding of Cultural Karma. Due to the recent outbreak of individuality, schools and homes alike are beginning to fall victim to the lack of pressure to fit in. Easily diagnosable, the disease is also--Thank God-- easily curable as well. Pay close attention to the following message!

Do you ever wander the hallways of your school and gaze in adoration at the shiny beacons of popularity? Are you having trouble finding your identity? Have you looked to your parents for guidance but been turned away by their lameness? Don't fret. Soon, with the help of this informative announcement, you will be Number One on Awesome's Top Friends and remain a healthy component in society.

The teenage years are a trying time of raging hormones, invasive acne and crippling social rejection. When a child enters the teenage years, many important decisions must be made. Do I still let my mother dress me? Do I still sleep with my blankie? DO I still use a nightlight? Should I still wear the Ninja Turtles beanie that I've had since I was one? And most importantly, how should I act in order to impress others? Unfortunately, there are no right or wrong answers to most of these questions. They are open to personal interpretation and there’s nothing we can do about that. Fortunately, we have engineered a not-so-radical method of determining the answers to the most important question of all: how do I fit in?

The vital first step is to determine who you are trying to impress. Ask yourself: Am I trying to impress every retina that absorbs the light reflected off of me? Attractive members of the opposite sex? A certain group of cool people? Most of the time, the primary objective of creating an image for yourself is to attract alluring members of the opposite sex. Impressing strangers in social cliques is collateral damage. Your sights should be set on someone admirable-- someone who falls in line with popular expectation. So, your parameters are clearly defined. Try to avoid those who seem to complex, who hold conversations and have insightful thoughts: those get too needy. Rather, opt for those who are two-dimensional and don’t require much intellectual stimulation. Their styles of dress, method of thinking, and circles of friends are much shallower and highly penetrable, allowing easy copy and paste in order to have the same life of your very own. If you follow these steps to a tee, you too can belong as a perfect piece of a perfect puzzle of a perfect life. Plus, no need to hurt the feelings of those you meet by forgetting their faces- they'll all look like you anyway!

But, beware of those already infected. They'll display the following symptoms: a style garishly different from your own, an intelligent point of view that weighs two arguments before passing judgment and a musical taste that varies from the Billboard Top 100. They may be seen wandering the streets with total disregard to what others think of them. Approach with extreme caution. These radical figures not only harm themselves by not taking appropriate precautions to rid themselves of the disease, but they also harm our economy. Unlike them, you should spend your money at retailers who are suffering losses like tanning salons, hairdressers and nail studios. Not only will business boom, nut you'll be rewarded with the warm, fuzzy feeling of finally fitting in.

Research shows that this epidemic has been caught at an early enough stage to be stopped. Thanks to our proud foundation, you can save yourself from the torrential thralls of Individuality.

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