Hey, I’m glad you’re here, you have no idea how badly I needed a lawyer. Okay, so here’s the thing. I caught wind of this new book called Little Red Riding Hood in the library the other day. You may have heard of it. It features a little girl named Red or something getting eaten by a wolf. A mean, terrible, ugly wolf; a mean, terrible, ugly wolf who just so happens to be me! Yeah, me! (Pause) Of course I know that it’s me! When you look in a mirror, you know that it’s you, right? Same concept applies here! But I didn’t hire you to philosophize about dual images; I hired you because this is slander! Deception! A web of deceit! Everything in this book is a lie, and I won’t stand for it! You don’t believe me? You think I’m blowing this out of proportion? (Deadpan) Oh, don’t make me eat you. (Pause) Don’t go! Wait! It was a joke! It was a joke! Look, I can prove my case. Listen….

First of all, the book starts off with Little Red being sent to her grandmother’s house, which, come on, what is she, like five? That girl is way too young to be skipping off in the woods by herself. Who knows what would happen? Make sure you bring that up while we’re in court. Anyway, so before she goes her mother makes her promise to “go straight to grandma’s.” But does Little Red listen? No! She’s five! Of course she doesn’t! Did you listen to your mom when you were five? So it’s inevitable that Little Red forgets what her mother says and finds some flowers, which could have been poisonous, you know, and spends her time frolicking in the daises. And then, brace yourself, this is when it gets ugly, a monstrous, unattractive fat wolf comes up and tricks her into telling him where she’s going! First off, I don’t look a thing like that! (Pause) I do? We look similar? I…I may have skipped a couple of days on my diet, but that’s no reason to- okay, I’ll get back to the story. The reason I’m so mad is because that’s not what happened! Whoever was watching got our situation totally wrong! What really happened was, I was jogging in the forest, doing my daily rounds, trying to work off a couple of pounds before I went to go see my girlfriend, Long Tailed Lola, when this weird little red freak came up to me demanding that I escort her to her grandmother’s house! Well, I’m a friendly guy, so I was like, “oh dear, you little crimson angel, I’ll go with you.” So we went.

By the time we get there, and I’m tired and exhausted and struggling to keep myself upright on my sensitive paws, the grandmother wrenches open the door and gives me her blessing for having escorted her granddaughter all the way here. And the woman insists upon letting me rest! So, a little weirded out, I agree, and change into one of her silk gowns and slide into her bed. And then Little Red comes in.

“What big eyes you have.” She points out bluntly, squinting at me.

“Excuse me?” I demand, because my eyes are normal sized, thank you. But does this child quit? Not a chance!

“What big ears you have.” She laughs rudely, tugging on my ears. I frowned. Okay, this kid is asking for it. And then, she does the one thing that you should never, ever, tell a wolf.

“What big teeth you have!” She cries, bursting into big guffaws. Oh, my, gosh. Now…I’m a nice person, but let me tell you how terrible it makes a wolf feel when they’re told they have big teeth. We’re very sensitive about them, you know. So, you know, just kidding around, sort of, I say,

“All the better to eat you with, my dear.”

And suddenly, everyone freaks out! At that point, it was like everyone figured out I was a wolf and kicked me out! And this guy with an ax chased me all of the way home! He even clipped off some of my tail!

So you see, I really need you to help me with this case. I’m the victim here, not Little Rude Riding Hood. (Pause) Why are you laughing? This is very serious! Where are you going? You’re supposed to help me sue them! The Brothers Grim got it wrong! Wrong, I tell you, wrong! (Pause) Fine. Who needs your help? (Sigh) Maybe I should just eat her…that would be much easier than having to sue a five year old.