Living In Regret | Teen Ink

Living In Regret

December 19, 2019
By jjoannaa36 BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
jjoannaa36 BRONZE, Wilmington, Delaware
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Every morning I would wake up in my comfortable homely bed. I would turn to my left and see my wife’s unwided face. I would admire her complexion for a few seconds before waking her up. That is exactly what I wished I could have done, exactly what I should have done from the beginning. 

Now, I wake up filled with regret. I turn to my left side and I see a wrinkly cold pillow. The bed has more room now. I still imagine her being at my side every morning when I stare to my left. If only I had stopped her before she left to go to work. Before she stepped a foot outside, before she turned on the engine and sat in the place where she took her last breath. Maybe if I had started a conversation maybe I could have avoided the car accident. There are many things I could have done. They all would have taken a few seconds of my time. How hard could it have been? I could have asked for a kiss before she walked out the door. I could have simply told her to have a nice day and tell her how much I loved her. That would have avoided the incident.

I lie in bed now. Every night I look out the window that is placed on my right side. I avoid rolling over on my left side now. I fear turning around and not seeing her there. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she is gone now. I refuse to believe it. I refuse to accept it. Before I slept, I sat up and I closed my eyes to say my prayers out loud . 

“God, thank you for another day in this world. I hope to see another day tomorrow. Thank you for today’s blessings and I hope more blessings come tomorrow.” 

I stopped praying, eyes still closed. I think about her, my wife. Oh how much I miss her. I never realized how much she meant to me. It feels like there is a hole in my heart now. The only thing that fills the hole is regret. Bitter regret.

  “I hope she’s doing fine. If I could wish for her to be back I would. Forgive me for my sins and forgive me for the way I treated her,” I prayed out loud with my eyes still shut, “If she could come back for one day, I would treat her how she should have been treated. I’d do my best to make her feel all the love I never made her feel. It still hurts to this day, 3 months later. That is the only thing I’d wish for. Thank you.” 

I opened my eyes and looked outside the window to my right. I can tell it is quiet outside because of the empty streets, it’s getting late now. I lay down, facing the right side like always and covered myself with the soft blanket. I shut my eyes and fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning, feeling someone's presence. I quickly turn to my left, scared of what must be in my room. There she is. Her resting face facing my way. She looks beautiful. A thousand thoughts race through my brain. How could it be? How is she here? Does she know she is back? How? Just how? I shook her arm. I was expecting ice cold skin, but her skin is warm. Nothing unusual about her skin. 

She grunts and opens her eyes. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

I smile in disbelief. “Nothing, love. Do you want breakfast?”
“What? You never make breakfast but eggs sound good right now,” she says with her eyes still shut.

I race to the kitchen where I let out a huge sigh. My heart is beating fast. This isn’t real, it just can’t be. I tried to look at the positive side of this dilemma. My wife is back. She is alive and she is healthy. That’s what matters the most. I start frying scrambled eggs with a smile on my face. I can’t believe I have my wife back. I let her know breakfast is ready and I serve us both. We sit in the kitchen table across from each other. Meanwhile I ate, I stared at her. She is acting normal just like any other day. I want to make sure we do as many things possible, anything we never did when she was alive 3 months ago. 

We went for ice cream after breakfast. We ate cheeseburgers and fries, her favorite, for dinner. I told her I loved her when we walked through the park after dinner. I never said I loved her as often. It felt good to finally say it. I admired her more today. I brought her flowers just to see her beautiful smile once again. Her smile seemed genuine, not forced, unlike it did 3 months ago. I didn’t realize how much I needed to see her smile once again and tell her I loved her. She had no idea that she had been missing from my life for 3 months. It seemed weird to her that I was doing nice gestures without an occasion. It was getting darker now. We walked home together while holding hands. We arrived and we both changed into our pajamas and prepared to go to bed. We laid down. She laid down on the left side of the bed facing the right. The hole in my heart felt filled now. This is what I was missing. I needed to see her laying down on the left side of the bed. There always seemed to be a hole on the left side, all empty. I laid down on my right side, facing her to my left. I looked at her in her eyes.

“I love you.” I said with tears in my eyes. 

“I love you too.” She said back, wiping the tears that were now rolling down my face.

She closed her eyes and her face started to fade away. Her neck was next to fade. Then her arms, upper body, and legs. She was gone now. It made me feel better that I made her feel so special, even if it was just for one day. The pillow was empty now. I placed my hand on her pillow. It was cold now. I sat up and said my prayers out loud.

“God, thank you for another day in this world. I hope to see another day tomorrow. Thank you for today’s blessings and I hope more blessings come tomorrow.” 



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