The Caper. - A play of satire.

The play opens with a desk and chair for the teller. All three thieves enter with bananas (posing as guns), and they are heisting the bank.

Patron – “Good afternoon sir; it certainly seems like a good day doesn’t it?”

Teller – “I think so. I woke this morning very happy, and my wife had breakfast already prepared for me.”

Patron – “Well sir, I’m jealous. No breakfast for me, but I did get a bonus today. That is why I’m here. I’d like to buy a car with the money I will be receiving next week.”

Teller – “Congratulations! That is wonderful, but do you have any of the money that you’ve gotten for the bonus yet, and will it be enough to afford the car?”

Patron – “Well, no sir, but if I take a loan, I’ll have enough.”

Tommy - in a very polite manner while drawing his banana gun. – “Sorry to interrupt gentlemen, but put your hands in the air and get on the ground please!”

Patron – “You must be joking, on a day such as this? Today has been such a good day for him and I thus far, and you’re going to ruin it. Can’t you wait for tomorrow good sir?”

Joey - Yells angrily at the bank patron. – “Get down and put your hands on your head before I shoot you in the leg!”

Steven – “Yeah! Do as he says.”

Tommy – “Shut up Steven… Joey, take them over there and have them lay down and WATCH them while we go score the vault. If something goes wrong I’ll do you myself. (To Joey)”

Both the bank patron and the teller are taken and thrown on the ground in the middle of the stage. Joey walks over and stands next to them to watch guard for the other two theifs.

Joey – “Okay man. Get it done and let’s get out of here.”

Tommy and Steven leave stage left behind the desk and stool.

Patron – “Who do you gentlemen think you are? I got a bonus today and I’m trying to spend the money!”

Joey – “Well, we are bank robbers sir, so in one way or another we are getting our raise today too. This bank has insurance, so the money we steal will be given back to you. When did you get your bonus?”

Patron – “Today I said.”

Joey – “Have you even been given the money yet sir, or are you here trying to spend what you don’t have?”

Patron – “That’s none of your business sir, you're a bank robber, not an accountant.”

Teller says in an annoyed and scoffing tone – “He is here spending money he doesn’t have.”

Patron – “You can not tell them that sir! That’s against the privacy act!”

Teller – “You're an accountant, not a lawyer. You have no idea what I can and can not tell people. Can you not see that this bank robber is more than likely better than you with finance. Just because you have the knowledge, doesn’t mean you follow the rules.”

Patron – “You just told this terrible man what I do for a living! That must be against the…”

Joey Interupts – “Technically he told you not me, I simply over heard which is not a crime that can be committed by either of us. You are an accountant aren’t you?”

Patron offended and stands up – “Who do you think you are sir! You are a thief, not a lawyer; just like I’m an accountant, not a lawyer. You have not a clue what legal or not so. I’m a graduate of Pennsylvania State College. You have no right to treat me like this!”

Joey Approaching the patron in an aggressive manner – “Sir, I'm a thief, so I take my rights, and my rights are given by me, not corrupt beaurocrats like yourself. I’m a thief, but not a liar. That’s why I left my New York City Law Office with a law degree from Harvard. I can stand stealing, but not lying about it. You and everyone like you are the reason this country is in the trouble it is in now. I’m just an honest American trying to make my money. No different than the teller over there.”

Patron sits back down – “Figures you went to Harvard; just like you people. Stuck up and snobby. Never having to work for anything. You know nothing about that man over there, for all you know he is stealing money from every person who makes a deposit!”

Joey – “That's your money idiot. If he is stealing from everyone who makes a deposit, he’s stealing from you.”

Patron – “That’s enough I’ve had enough. Do not talk to me the rest of this play.”

Joey – “Suit yourself.”

Teller – “You really are a genious sir, that man comes into our bank once a week whining about his expenses and how the bank is wrong. All I wanted was for someone to make him stop talking. Thank you sir!”

Joey – “Yeah, just like an accountant. He seems like a whiney person. He’s very annoying, and deffinately thinks he knows everything – In here trying to spend money he hasn’t even truly obtained yet. He probably hasn’t even accounted for Uncle Sam’s 18% of the bonus. Accountant huh.”

Patron – “Sir, I’m right here. Can you be decent and go talk somewhere else or just stop talking all together?”

Joey – “See, and he is very rude. Granted we are robbing his bank and ruining his day – just rude.”

Teller – “Yeah, this isn’t a big deal, as long as I don’t get shot. My wife made me breakfast this morning.”

Joey – “That’s grand! I wish my wife would do that, but she is a very busy woman. She is a columnist for the, well for a magazine. See Mr. Accountant – Look at this man, getting robbed, and not even letting it ruin his day! I promise we’ll allow you to spend the money you don’t have. Just give us another two minutes and we’ll be gone sir.”

Patron – “You two are just regular chums aren’t you? And what, Mr. Thief, makes you think I’ll take financial advice from you? You are obviously here robbing a bank; you must be in some financial crisis sir.”

Joey – “No sir, I’m just here because it’s what I love to do. Why are you an accountant, because daddy was?”

Patron – “Don’t let my father’s name leave your mouth. I became an accountant because it’s a safe occupation sir. That’s respectable.”

Joey – “Yes, respectable, but outrageous. I could not spend my life pushing calculator buttons; I’d need more. That’s why I’m here.”

Patron – “I suppose, that makes sense. Yeah, it does.”

Joey - “Thank you. You’re quite a dynamic character sir. Even a bank robber such as myself can respect that.”

Thief one and three running out of stage left with two big full bags – “Come on let’s roll.”

Joey – “Alright sirs, it was wonderful to meet you.” Looks to the Patron “Hey, don’t forget to rob your bank good sir. Life is much too short.” Looks to the Teller “It has been nice, I won’t forget you sir, and tell your wife I say hello.”

All three thieves exit stage right, and curtain drops with caper music playing.





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