ACT 1, SCENE 1
The scene opens in a small house in a quaint suburb. PEARL slowly walks down the stairs with her cat MR. SNUGGLEPAWS (CAT) following. PEARL is dressed in a flowing nightgown and fuzzy slippers. Both sit on a small sofa. PEARL picks up a remote and turns the television.
PEARL
(Turns toward CAT) Oh! Mr. Snugglepaws I didn’t hear you come down the stairs. You can be so quiet sometimes.
CAT
(Sighs loudly) I think you need to turn up your hearing aid woman! I sound like an elephant tripping over a caribou, whatever that is.
PEARL
(Pats CAT on head) You’re such a good kitty, better than that rotten apple, Margot.
CAT
I can’t believe you gave birth to that monstrosity! At least she moved out of here with that cretin of a husband.
PEARL
What’s that Mr. Snugglepaws? Are you hungry?
CAT
Actually woman, that meatloaf you made last night gave me indigestion. If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a nap. (Kneads paws on a cushion and curls into a ball)
PEARL
Just look at you! The poor creature has fainted from starvation! Come Mr. Snugglepaws, let’s eat some breakfast.
(Stands up with some difficulty and scoots into the kitchen behind the living room)
CAT
(Looks up and shouts) Woman! The doctor said you shouldn’t strain yourself!
PEARL
(Sets a pan on the stove and mixes some ingredients in a bowl) I want some pancakes. Does that sound good Mr. Snugglepaws?
CAT
Fine! Ignore me, but if you break a hip, don’t come crawling to me! (Rests head on cushion)
PEARL
(Shouts over the stove)Mr. Snugglepaws, do you want some hash browns with your pancakes?
CAT
Darn it woman I said no! I’m not hungry!
PEARL
(Hums a random tune while warming hash browns in a pan. She stacks some pancakes and hash browns onto two plates and carries them to the sofa. She sets them down on the coffee table on front of the sofa and smiles) There! Okay let’s eat! (Eats)
CAT
(Looks at the plate) Fine. I’ll eat, but only the hash browns! I have to watch my figure. (Jumps onto the table and eats)
PEARL
Such a good kitty, much better than that sour grape, Margot! (Resumes eating)
CAT
Please woman! I’m trying to eat.
PEARL
Why Mr. Snugglepaws! You’re done eating already? Would you like some more hash browns?
CAT
Woman! I’m not hungry so stop fussing over me!
PEARL
Such an appetite! You wait right here, I’ll get some you some more num-nums. (Walks into the kitchen, places food on the plate, and returns to the sofa) Here you go! (Sets plate down)
CAT
Don’t you understand Felinese woman? I’ve lived with you for ten years you know. Would it kill you to learn a few words? (Takes a bite of hash browns)
PEARL
Such a ruckus! You must be very hungry. I didn’t forget to feed you last night again, did I?
CAT
(Sighs) If you will excuse me, there’s a good soap opera on today and I don’t want to miss it.
PEARL
What’s that Mr. Snugglepaws?
CAT
(Groans) My program is on woman! Turn on the television!
PEARL
Oh, you must need a drink after eating all of those salty potatoes! I could use a nice tall glass of water right about now.

(PEARL stands and takes the two plates with her to the kitchen. She sets them in the sink and rummages through a cabinet for cups. She returns to the sofa with a glass and bowl of water) There, now we can wet our whistles. Drink up Mr. Snugglepaws; it’s good for any case of cotton mouth! (Gulps down some water)
CAT
(Stares at PEARL then the bowl. Finally, he takes a sip) Well at least my throat’s not dry. (Gasps) Woman my program is on!
PEARL
What is it now my sweet little button?
CAT
(Rolls eyes and rubs his head on the remote control) My story!
PEARL
Oh! I forgot our show was on! (Picks up the remote and turns the television on) We haven’t missed it! Oh this is the one where Barbara dies!
CAT
Quiet woman! I want to enjoy my show in peace. (Curls up on the cushion)
PEARL
Such a good kitty, better than that putrid melon, Margot. (Strokes CAT)
CAT
(Glances at the clock above the television) Ten o’ clock? Now what was important about ten o’ clock? (Pauses to think) Woman! It’s time to take your medication! (Jumps onto PEARL’S lap and meows constantly at her)
PEARL
What is it Mr. Snugglepaws? (Looks up at clock) Oh! It’s time for me to take my medication. (Pats CAT’S head) Such a good kitty, better than that ignorant baboon, Margot.
CAT
Well I can’t let you die just yet woman. Who would feed me if that happened? (Rests head on the cushion and drifts to sleep as PEARL walks up the stairs, muttering about Margot)
PEARL
(Slowly walks down the stairs and stops to look at the CAT) Aww, you look so sound Mr. Snugglepaws. I think I’ll bake some… (PEARL misses a step and screams as she topples down the stairs)
CAT
(Awakes with a start) Woman? (Peers over the sofa) Pearl! Pearl what happened? (Looks at the stairs) I knew we should have installed an elevator.

PEARL lies motionless on the ground as the CAT leaps off of the sofa and next to her side. The CAT rubs his head on her hand and listens for her breath.

CAT
(Breathes a sigh of relief) She’s still breathing, but what’ll I do? Think Snugglepaws, think! What do humans do when something terrible happens?

(Paces next to PEARL’S body) I know! That number box! Pearl always uses it to call her squawking sisters!

(CAT runs into the kitchen and sees the phone on the counter, he jumps onto it and rubs the phone with his head) It’s not working! How did Pearl use this thing?

(Pats the buttons with his paw) Of course! But I think the top is supposed to come off.

(CAT rubs his head on the phone again but this time the top falls off of the stand and swings off the counter.) What a fun looking toy!

(Jumps off the counter and bats at the phone with his paws) Humans have been using these things the wrong way!

(Glances at PEARL) Oh, right! Hold on Pearl! Well now I can dial that emergency number that people always babble about.

(Jumps onto the counter again and begins to press random buttons on the stand) Now what was that number again? 9-1-2? 1-1-9? I know!

(Shouts the numbers with excitement as he presses the corresponding numbers) 4-1-1!

(The dial tone rings as the CAT waits with anticipation. After about ten seconds he bats the phone, causing it to swing on the wire) What are these pansies doing? Drinking tea and eating crumpets? There’s a dying woman here and they can’t drop their pastries to answer a phone?

(The CAT slumps onto the ground. Suddenly a commercial for Life Alert appears on the television screen. CAT looks up at the television and rejoices) Hey! Pearl has one of those things! I think Margot was the one that bought for her too! Well, well, well! That rat was useful after all!

(CAT runs up the stairs to search for the beeper, but he cannot find it. He carefully walks down the stairs and around PEARL’S body. She still does not move, but is breathing) Come on Pearl! Where did you hide it? I know you think that thing was silly, but lo and behold you did fall and now you can’t get up!

(CAT searches the kitchen and living room) Dumb thing. Pearl should have worn it around her neck. It looked like a collar anyway. Maybe…

(CAT rushes to PEARL’S side and hops onto her back. He checks her neck, but there is nothing. He thinks then checks the pockets of her nightgown. He finds it and pulls it out by its string) Yes! Okay Life Alert, here’s my owner, Pearl, she’s hurt and needs medical assistance!

(CAT waits but nothing happens) Maybe it works like the phone! I need to activate it!

(Pushes button. Firemen arrive shortly afterward and load PEARL into a stretcher. One of the men carries the CAT into the ambulance as well. PEARL awakens from her daze and pats the CAT resting on her chest)

PEARL
(Whispering while petting CAT)Such a good kitty, much better than that disloyal daisy, Margot. She would have never saved my life Mr. Snugglepaws!

CAT
I think we owe Margot a little slack. Right now though, all I want to do is take a nap.