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Tripod Wars

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Hello there, my name is Row and I’m a captain of the Tripod International Defense Organization. Whoever made the name must have been drunk, since nobody likes that name. Even our enemies, the tripods, make fun of our name. They probably do it to demoralize us, because that’s what it does whether they mean to or not. You might be wondering ‘what is a tripod?’ Well, they are bio-organisms that have conquered the world. As the name suggests, they have three legs and a giant laser gun with many smaller laser guns. So far, they are invincible to our weapon fire, and we’re running out of time. If this job sounds fun to you, it isn’t in the slightest.

“Today is a new day full of adventure and excitement!” are the words of the overexcited new recruit, called “newbies” for slang. After about two days on duty, they fall in with the rest of us trying to escape duty. Wait just a minute, what was I talking about? Oh yes, the day of reckoning is arriving for tripods worldwide! After a scouting mission conducted by my left hand man, we learned that tripods can only fire to their left and become vulnerable to weapon fire on their right. A huge red area that says “HIT ME WITH WEAPONS” in the middle appears to the right. We will take the advice of the flashing red vulnerable area and hit it with laser cannons, bombs, and the mini-nuke. This attack will surely work on tripod E-X 667, the leader of them all. It only has one Vapor cannon that zaps any human into vapor. However, we believe that it too will be vulnerable as soon as it starts charging its laser. If it says something similar to ‘Shoopdawhoop’ you had better take cover, or you will be vaporized into nothingness. The origin of that sound is unknown because it is obviously an alien, and we aren’t smart enough to figure out whatever the tripod means.

Finally, we are probably free of tyranny! The tripods of the Alpha-Orion structure were obliterated after E-X 667 was destroyed, and the tripods of Mother-7 construct ran off screaming like sissy girlies. Now that we can finally go outside without being killed, I’ll go check the McDonalds down the street and see if they have any Freedom Burgers in stock. Afterwards, I get the house and bank account of Bill Gates, so that I can be better than everyone else in terms of money. At the end of the day, I shall soundproof and lock the master bedroom so I can sleep for eight days. Men need their beauty sleep too, you know. Hey, hold on a second. Have you been reading this the ENTIRE time? Whoa, I would have expected you to have stopped reading 450 words ago. You can stop reading right about now. Stop reading, seriously. Fine then, I’ll just stop writing this stupid story and go to sleep.





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