The Pursuit of Happiness: An attachment

April 23, 2009
***Attached is an actual transcript of the conversation between police officer Jacob McCutchan and murder witness Andrew Ellis, notorious for being a raging alcoholic, hustler, and all around ne’er-do-well. Names and references have been preserved for posterity.

WITNESS: Officer! Officer! O’er here!

OFFICER: What seems to be the problem, sir?

WITNESS: Ah just seen me a murder, ah did!

OFFICER: You were witness to a murder?

WITNESS: Did ah *hic* stutter?

OFFICER: No sir, you didn’t, and I apologize. Now will you please inform me as to the whereabouts of this murder, and any other relevant information?

WITNESS: It’s alright, you can tell me iffen ah stuttered. It’s my drinkin’ problem, I just let it get the better of me sometimes. I-
OFFICER: That’s very interesting, sir, but I really need you to tell me about this murder!

WITNESS: Excuse me! Ain’t somebody gettin’ a little impatient? As ah was sayin’, back in the 7th grade, ah was drinkin’ a so-

OFFICER: Sir, if you do not promptly tell me what you know, I will be forced to place you under arrest for withholding information pertaining to the murder!

WITNESS: Alright, alright, ah’ll tell ya what I know. I know that you is a impolite little son of a gun, and that your mother prolly didn’t love ya very much, did she?

OFFICER: Don’t bring my mother into this, she is a great woman! Now I’m going to count to three, and if you do not cooperate, I will place you under arrest. One… Two…

WITNESS: Aw, bugger. It was over there, behind that there alley way.

OFFICER: Thank you for your help with this, now have a good day. (Into radio) Captain? Captain, yes, I’d like to report a…
WITNESS: Hey! Hey, you!

OFFICER: District of…

WITNESS: Yoo-hoo! Officer!

OFFICER: Just now arrived at the scene, found the body, requesting…

WITNESS: I’ll tell ya more iffen you’d get your fat butt over here!

OFFICER: Sir? Did you have more to tell me?

WITNESS: Yeah, I’ll tell ya more if you’ll tell me something: When do I get my house?

OFFICER: I’m sorry, what?

WITNESS: You know, my house? And the new look, and new house, and everything. When do I get that? Do I have to mail in for it? I got Boxtops from my cereal!

OFFICER: Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you are talking about.

WITNESS: Oh, don’t play dumb with me! I may look dumb, but… Well, don’t play dumb with me! I seen them TV shows. Them people, they help out with solvin’ a case, and then the government gives them stuff to keep them safe!

OFFICER: That would be the WPP, sir.

WITNESS: What’s that about my pee-pee?

OFFICER: That’s not what I said, sir. I said WPP. The Witness Protection Program. I’m afraid you do not qualify that unless you can contribute some sort of information about the murderer.

WITNESS: Then there wasn’t no murder.

OFFICER: What?

WITNESS: There wasn’t no murder. I lied.

OFFICER: But I can see the body right there!

WITNESS: No you can’t.

OFFICER: Sir, please don’t try to tell me what I can and can’t see. I can clearly see the body right now.

WITNESS: He ain’t dead.

OFFICER: Sir, he is very clearly dead.

WITNESS: No he ain’t. Look. He feels happy.

OFFICER: Sir, stop kicking the body!

WITNESS: I told ya, I ain’t kickin’ no body. He ain’t dead!

OFFICER: Sir, stop kicking the body now, or I will be forced to subdue and take you to prison.

WITNESS: Oh, look at this. I’m a big scary cop! I’m gonna pick on a innocent man! Look, everyone! Corruption! Blasphemy! Impeach him! Save the whales!

OFFICER: Ok, that’s it. You leave me no choice.

WITNESS: ‘Elp! ‘Elp! I’m being repressed! Gah!

(At this point, Ellis was stunned and placed into custody. Shortly later, though, he was talking again.)

WITNESS: So can I drive?

OFFICER: No.

WITNESS: Are we there yet?

OFFICER: No.

WITNESS: Oh, look! A Wendy’s! Can we stop there?

OFFICER: No.

WITNESS: Why not?

OFFICER: Because we are currently en route to take you to the state prison.

WITNESS: Oh, gonna go visit my family, is we? I can hook you up with me cousin Helga if ya want. He’s a nice enough feller, once ya get to know him.

OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet now.

WITNESS: And I’m gonna have to ask you let me outta this car, but a fat lotta good it’ll do.

OFFICER: Unless you enjoy being tasered, I suggest you remain quiet.

WITNESS: Uh huh, corrupt government officials. I’ll bet you get along with ol’ Sarah Palin, don’t ya?

OFFICER: One more remark, and I guarantee you will spend the rest of your ride unconscious.

WITNESS: More fun than talking to you, I reckon.

(At this point, true to his word, Officer McCutchan did indeed subdue Ellis, who is currently spending time in prison. He is currently trying to have his sentence lessened, periodically shouting “I’m not a crook!” He has yet to believe that Nixon was impeached.)





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback