Police Report

April 23, 2009
By Sarah.Q, SILVER, Leawood, Kansas
Sarah.Q, SILVER, Leawood, Kansas
7 articles 9 photos 2 comments

Witness Name: Judd Boone
Police Report Number: 8K079L54
Police Officer: Officer Anothony Quiarte
Location: Reno, Nevada
Date: 02/02/09


Well, I was walkin’ my bull dog, Natty, down that road down by that brick public school. It must a’ been play time or somethin’, cuz’ they was all buncha’ kids runnin’ aroun’ laughin’ and sorts. Natty stopped to take a deuce and it were takin’ him a while. So I was waitin’ and I see this big ol’ van drive right on up to some kids jumpin’ rope. Two lil’ girls look like twins to me. An’ not the good kinda’ twins neither, cuz’ they was only nine year old or such. Well this big ol’ van had all these fancy foreign advertisements and such sayin’, “Hawaiian Ice” and had fancy music playin’ out it’s trunk. By this time, Natty done his business, so I sneaked on over closer to them lil’ girls.

The van door opened and then I seed that it is the same kinda’ van I have to drive to my paintin’ jobs! Not really fancy paintin’s, just windows, doors, walls, ceilings, and I do floors too but nobody seems to want theys floor painted. Anywho, these two girls lean in to the foreign van and I swear to Jesus, they gone and disappeared!! Jumpin’ rope and all! I ain’t lying neither! All I seen was a dude drivin’ and a dude sittin’ in the back. They took them lil’ girls and drive away! Now call me nuts when I say nobody else seen this! All lil’ kids keep on playin’ and teachers keep on readin’ they dictionpedias! Well, I knowed that this was wrong so I followed that van for damn near thirteen minutes, draggin’ my lazy dog with me! I seen that van stop at that ol’ broken down house on the corner a’ 13th and Elkridge. Ya’ know I could fix that house up real good. Just paint over them dark brown pieces a” wood and it could be fit for a family.

But that van was parked on the lawn like a truck needin’ a new tire. Natty an’ I wanted to look normal an’ not like we was spyin’ or anyhthin. So, I let Natty take a nice long pee right on they front lawn. Let’s see them try to grow a patch of grass there now! When Natty was done, I dragged him close to that van. I was gettin’ madder by the second. What kind a’ man takes two lil’ girls like that? I tell ya’ I was right keen on beatin’ them silly right then. I was angry so I opened the door a’ the van ready to learn them kidnappers how to fight. Well dang me if they wasn’t nobody in there! So I figured, they must be in they house! So I dragged Natty ‘round the side a’ that house and it were just my luck that there was a large piece a’ rottin’ wood actin’ as a wall!

Without wastin’ a second, I ripped open the wood with my bare hands. The broken wood made a big hole which lead me right on in to the living room! Living room

wasn’t half bad, I could a’ lived there. Plaid couch, television, a nice breeze, this place weren’t so bad! All a’ sudden I heard a scream from the upstairs! I though “Oh no them girls is in trouble!” So I put Natty all comfortable on the couch an’ I ran real quick to find them girls. Now, I tell you what, I climbed them stairs all quiet and guess what I found?

I found two grown men tied up to chairs. Them lil’ girls had tied them down an’ painted the burglars faces all fancy! I hadn’t laughed so hard in my life! Damn near peed myself! The bigger guy of the two screamed real loud again! The girl closest to him had a stick the size of a pencil ‘bout ready to poke his eye! The other guy sat with dark tears rollin’ down his cheeks.

Those girls done an’ put black makeup all over his eyes! I almost laughed until i cried myself! And as I could a’ guessed, lil’ nine year olds ain’t that good at makin’ a’ man pretty! They was as ugly as ol’ Natty. Nails painted hot pink, hair cut, big ol’ pink splotches on they cheeks, red lips all out a’ line, blue on they eyelids, and sparkly things coverin’ they entire body! They eyes was flamin’ red from the cryin’ and all the perfume sprayed in they eyes! They was hollerin’ and cryin’ like the lil’ girls they look like. No wonder those two kidnappers called up the cops!

The author's comments:
This is not real! This is an article meant for entertainment purposes only!

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