When Guilt Pulled The Trigger

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I just sat there on the top of the hill where the cold winter moon was awakening. My current feelings took away my normal thoughts. Depression and anger had taken its hammers and crushed me into a million pieces of sadness and loneliness. With that my life wasn’t completely ruined. The beatings obviously hurt and the discrimination had broken every part of my happiness, spirit, and character but I kept reminding that I will get my normal life back and happiness, it always does. Life was obviously not the best for me but I kept dragging on. Every day was the same. Support was abundant and available but I felt no help was needed. The cold wind strengthened my senses as the dark cloud of depression faded away. Should I put an act of revenge on my tormenters? Make them suffer for what they’ve done to me and make sure they never inflict this pain again. I decided what the heck this will end; people like me get picked on all the time. But what if it doesn’t end, the dark emotions get stronger and I’m then at the brink where there is no support, no way, out, and I get weaker and weaker. Everyday my thoughts would collide and oppose each other. Questions filled my mind with uncertainty and my mind seemed the only private place in my life. I then concluded my thoughts. This will end and if it doesn’t, I will end it and I don’t care if I or someone doesn’t walk out of their door in the morning ever again.

There was only one person that would bear with my struggles. Renny was the name and was my closest friend. I was thinking maybe they may feel sorry for beating us near unconsciousness every day. It never came. The hopeful pity was never seen in them. The just kept on punching and kicking and just waiting to hear that satisfying cry of pain and mercy that came from my mouth. After becoming a freshman in high school, I not only didn’t have the appealing grades back in junior high but I was also losing my social life. I was more shy and quiet and I feared of what will happen after school and I never saw the good in the future. The cold wind blew against my face drying up my lips and I could see my breath. I noticed Renny was slowly walking up the hill to meet me.

“Little too early to be up here Derrick” Renny said grinning as he dug his hands into his pockets to keep them warm.

“You still got that bruise on your head” I said reminded him of the recent attack particularly by Sage.

I looked out over the hill where I had a clear vantage point of the whole town. Renny was trying to push the hair from his head to cover the bruise but it ended in sad failure. What caught my eye was the park where I played as a child. It was the source of my happiness when I was young, when my parents would always remind me of the memorable moments of my childhood. I wanted to do something at the park there maybe to renew my childhood past.

“So, Derrick what you want to do today, I mean after school and after the…you know?” Renny asked sort of shyly.
I looked at the innocent boy who was beaten by my tormenters and I still wondered why didn’t he just stopped being my friend and end all this pain instead of going home to his parents everyday making up a lie for his bruises, black eyes, and other beating marks. I just didn’t understand why. He was the loyalist friend I ever had. I had to do something to stop this, so not only can the pain stop coming but I can get the important things in life that I’ve lost because of it, especially my social life.
I walked up to Renny and in a serious tone I said “Tomorrow before school starts I want you to put all your fears behind, I want you to forget about all the bruises and cuts you got, and I most importantly want you to not be scared when I ask you to do something very serious”. I tried to sound reassuring and tough just enough to keep Renny convinced even if it sounded lame but I needed a partner in my plan.
“Wait hold up, I don’t get it what’s happening? Renny’s worried voice trembled.
“You’ll understand Renny, and I don’t want you to regret what you do” I replied and I walked down the hill and prepared myself for school tomorrow. I looked back and saw Renny was still in complete confusion and how he must’ve not known what was going on in my mind. No one will. I myself can’t really grasp my own thinking. Can depression and anger lead to bloody revenge? I knew it sure can and I was going to make sure it was true in this town.
I opened the car door said my good-byes and then entered the High School. Every Monday, high school students would groan and walk tiredly side to side. Monday was the worst day of the week and was the most painful day for me and Renny. Nevan and Sage knew Mondays weren’t mine or any others favorite day so they’d make sure it still wasn’t after school. The girl next to my locker would usually say hi and try to start a conversation with me but as my anti-social life crept in I tried nicely to ignore her. I mean I would love to start a relationship but I couldn’t be that person. Classes I mean no matter how the teacher tried to add new things to the same lessons it was still the same. Nevan was only in two of my classes but he’d ignore me and then occasionally shove me and when I try to fight back unfortunately the teacher seems to walk by and see me. I mean why does one getting bullied always the one getting caught at the end of the fight, it made no sense. I got in trouble but it wasn’t serious because for some reason Nevan said we were just playing around. This completely surprised me but I didn’t let some nice act cover the real Nevan I knew. I had left an eagle knife on a hidden place at my childhood park. The place I would lure Nevan and Sage into, since they stalked me wherever I go. This was part of my plan I would tell Renny on the bus ride home.
He was shocked but he told me he should’ve realized it before. After I told him that I was going to seriously injure Nevan and Sage at the park where I would lure them too we were either going to run away or bury their dead bodies if we went that far. Renny usually comes to my house and so when he was too busy watching TV I went to his backpack and put some weapons in it. After I showed them to him on the bus he decided he’ll participate but he looked at me worriedly as to the person I have now become. His face was grim and prepared. To others it seemed like just a simple act of two badly beaten up boys getting revenge on two bullies, nothing special about it.
“I’ll get Sage first and….you have to just fight with me man and don’t hold back I mean we’re just putting a few bruises and scars just to let them know to stop. Alright, sound good” I said smiling and patting Renny and he smiled and then laughed and which drew me to laugh also.
“Go to the park quickly, don’t look back or they’ll be suspicious” I said quietly as I got my backpack and made my way out of the bus.
As I peeked just to see if they were following us I saw the unmistakable figures of Nevan and Sage. Instead of turning to our usually shortcut to me and Renny’s house we took the long way through the park. We made it to the park and then saw Nevan and Sage’s angry faces clearly appear wondering why we were at the park than running for our lives. I went to a swing and stuck my middle finger at Nevan and Sage. Renny shouted some curses and Nevan and Sage were now clearly angry sprinting toward us. Sage grabbed Renny pinned Renny to the ground.
“What did you say to me you little piece of crap” Sage managed to say through his clenched teeth. Renny took the knife out of his pocket as Sage was coming in. Nevan kicked me in the groin and as I doubled over he grabbed my hair and punched me in the nose and I heard a bone cracking sound. I was on the ground pretending to cry but I was bleeding. As I struggled to get up he threw in more punches this time aimed at my ribs and I gasped in despair. I tried to run away but I tripped and sprained my ankle and I cursed loudly. As I rose my fists and saw Renny was taking the knife and making that fateful thrust with his arm as Sage seemed unaware of the weapon. Anger and fear made my arms swing aimlessly as I saw Nevan laughing and then coming in to deliver more pain. Renny was now fighting with Sage for control with the knife but months of bottled anger overcame the fear of the tormenter as the knife found its intended target in Sage’s exposed throat. I was searching for something on the ground and Nevan was walking over. Yes, there was the brick. I stayed on my ground on my knees panting. I swung the brick and I heard a crack of bone as Nevan head swung the other way. Blood streamed down his nose as his curses and gasps of pain cut through the air and his eyes locked on me. He grabbed my neck and dug his nails into my skin and I cried in pain, but I still had the brick in my hand. I hit the brick into his chin and then as he was on the ground and my emotions took full control. Every swing of the brick into Nevan face grew from fear to satisfaction. I wasn’t a changed person though; I still had the fearful boy in me as I was driving Nevan closer and closer to death. Blood fully covered his face and his nose now at a funny angle after being broken many times over. Anger and pure fear drove me. I couldn’t stop now, I already went too far. I just kept hitting over and over again, the nose of bone cracking and feeling more blood soaking my hands. Renny had to come over and stop me and pull me to the ground. The face of Nevan was now just a mess of skin, bone, and blood. I wanted to run away not come back, just leave the scene and wait till the grief goes away. I didn’t know what to do now. For an instance I actually felt that I had accomplished something. At least I should bury the bodies I thought and pulled myself together.
“Come on….lets bury them….Renny come help” I managed to say as I felt sick to my stomach. I fell to the ground. I couldn’t bear it, it was just too much. I breathed heavily as I looked around the park. I thanked God no one was around the park. One moment they were going to do their beating and now their dead bodies lay at their former victim’s feet. I looked for something to dig and I saw a couple of forgotten kid shovels and decided they’ll work. It took forever to bury the bodies, especially with me just losing it at times and crying. I emptied all the contents of Nevan’s and Sage’s backpacks. I found a card in Nevan’s bag and found out it was a Mother’s Day card and I just sat near the burying site and cried over and over again. Guilt crept inside me and after calming my emotions me and Renny left the park. I quickly tried to act normal and as if nothing happened as I entered the house. My mom wasn’t here yet so I went to the bathroom and washed my hands thoroughly getting rid of the blood I spilled. I looked in the bathroom mirror and my face was a mystery. I looked deep into my own eyes but I saw nothing just the same boy who had murdered. I walked out of the bathroom and my emotions came back as I went into my room.
It was about 10:00pm and I was in bed but not sleeping and I heard the familiar police sirens. They were obviously searching and notifying everyone that Nevan Dillingham and Sage Reynolds were missing. I guessed it wouldn’t be long until they found the bodies. The next day the school set on announcements about the missing boys and my mom sent me and Renny to post “Have you Seen this Kid” papers and a reward was posted on there too. It felt obviously weird to do this when we know very well where they are and that well too bad they’re not going be found anyway.
People, who I didn’t know, were talking to me about Nevan and Sage and how they’re missing and I felt this overwhelming blanket of guilt covering me. Me and Renny ignored each other for several days not even making eye contact. I came home and I couldn’t take it anymore. The police were doing their last patrol and Nevan and Sage’s parents were too emotional. I went home and mom was just recovering from what it seemed like she had been crying all day and dad was in his room lost in his thoughts. Night came quick and half the town had their flashlights and began their last desperate search in their sympathy towards devastated parents. I walked out of my bed .Before I had refused to volunteer to search too and my mom didn’t insist but was still worried about my depression which to me seemed gone. I went to the basement and was looking for something. A box I remember. I still saw Nevan and Sage’s faces and their parents emotions get poured out in tears when they came over to talk with my parents. I was thinking about that when I put the combination in the box’s lock. It opened and I struggled to see what was inside. I reached in and felt a handle and tough ridges. As I took it out I saw it had a trigger and I knew it was a gun, just what I was looking for. I was sweating and my guilty hands pulled the gun towards my head. I saw images of my murder of Nevan, the scattering flashlights searching for them, and finally their faces on their search papers in which I ironically posted up. I helped my breath as my finger crept close to pulling the trigger and slowly started pulling. The world seem to hold its breath and all the guilt and emotions came rushing down and into my weak fingers as it gave it the strength to pull the trigger. I then pulled the trigger and all my guilt and pain came crashing down.
The police dogs barked and growled indicating they smelled something. Residents scattered their flashlight beams everywhere and the bright moon loomed above.
“Hey Jasper, Sparky smelling something” a police officer called out to his partner. A few residents saw the officer and his dog digging for something in the middle of the town park. The dog stopped digging and barked loudly.
“Nothing’s there I assume” the officer with the dog said. Then the dog barked again and started digging in a different spot and this time he didn’t hesitate or stop.
“Come over here, I think we found something” the officer yelled and not only had police officers come but also residents. They desperately shoveled trying and then one officer spoke up.
“Why would they be buried?” asked the officer suddenly stopping and looking at the others for an answer. Then the residents shoveled more dirt out and it revealed an unsettling truth.
“Because they were murdered” replied a grim looking resident and there at the middle of the park where the bodies of Nevan and Sage laid covered in bugs and rotting after weeks of the vicious murder and now finally found. The other residents still searching heard the news as it spread but no one told their grieving parents not wanting them to discover the horrible truth.
“Take the bodies out and call the ambulance. Who in God’s name would’ve done such a crime?” said a chief officer as he watched the two bodies being taken and couldn’t stand looking at the face of one of them and looked away in disgust.
I cried and cried. I wasn’t dead but I dearly wanted to be. My parents heard the wailing and they quickly came to the basement and gasped. The gun hadn’t worked and wasn’t loaded.
“Oh my God Derrick what happened!” my mom’s voice gasped as she saw the gun in my hands and my tears strolling down my face. She quickly took the gun out of my hands and checked if I was hurt anywhere. My dad came rushing over with a ringing phone and answered it. His face expression was in shock and grief as the news of Nevan and Sage reached his ears.
“Oh God, did they tell their parents…wait no one told them…when did they find them…What! They were murdered…at the park…..wait, you’re saying you have a witness saying he saw my son with them…he would never ever murder someone!” his voice was in clear shock, sadness, and anger.
“They found them dear” my father said to my mom as he hung up carefully walking into another room when he heard the last part. I was going to confess myself but leave Renny clean. I’ll admit my unforgivable crime and will be willing to face any punishment to come. I am going to confirm that I did kill Nevan and Sage and my only defense was that they were abusing and harassing me. Guilt was close to pulling the trigger for me but I stopped it and maybe in the future I’ll be glad I did it. How will I ever face their parents or mine? I and Renny were driven by anger and depression but instead of committing suicide our emotions renewed something else, Revenge. We were driven by it and there was no stopping, but after the crime guilt was the major consequence of our murder and it drove me to near suicide. My mind is in my control and my feelings in good status now. I knew if Renny didn’t confess and I would’ve pulled the trigger, the truth maybe would’ve been lost forever. I closed my eyes as the sound of police sirens and reassuring words of my parents were heard in the night.





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