Im Okay | Teen Ink

Im Okay

January 16, 2019
By Anonymous

           Yesterday I made a new friend; she noticed me in the back of class, breath erratic, eyes glossy, and all alone. She found me. She found me at the darkest point in my life. This friend is a bit clingy and being honest I’m not the fondest of her but I don’t know how to get rid of her so I just let her be. I haven’t really told anyone about this friend either. I’m sure no one would care about my annoying friend, they have other things to worry about. I fiddle with my hands under my desk; I could feel her staring, eyes drilling into the back of my head, I felt like I could never get rid of her. She’s clingy, very clingy. She’s always with me, her existence constantly looming over me no matter where I go. Sometimes she’ll leave me alone, let me finally feel happiness and freedom and then, and only then do I feel at peace. But sometimes, even when I sit alone in my room, I can hear her in the back of my head, words faintly echoing in my mind. When I finally think I’ve escaped from her grasp, she meets me again, piercing eyes looking into mine as I uncontrollably shake under her presence. When I finally feel at peace and am convinced I’ve successfully run away she’ll trip me, not caring about my cuts and bruises from all the other times she’s knocked me down. Feeling no pity for the person beneath her in disdain, no matter how many times I cry out for help no one hears. It’s as if my yells are muffled by the belief that I’m okay. Her mind started to wonder to last Friday....

          I looked up meeting his gaze, tears endlessly falling from my eyes. “I’m okay,” my voice quivered as I sloppily wiped the tears from my face “please stop asking me if I’m okay. I’m fine.” He took a step forward reaching his hand out, we both knew I wasn’t okay so why, why was I saying I was? I pushed his hand away, sobs escaping from my mouth as my frail started to shake. “Please stop I’m okay... I’m okay,”I softly wailed sounding more like I was trying to convince myself, “my problems aren’t yours, you aren’t my therapist. The stuff I’m going through is not something you should have to deal with.” I whispered slowly trying to collect myself, “no matter how many times you tell me I can talk to you I won’t, I won’t ever, I can’t. I’m scared to open up to people; I’m scared to be seen as vulnerable, and I’m scared I’ll scare you off with what I do and where my mental state is.” I buried my face in my hands, breaking down again, letting out cries and whimpers. He stood there in shock seeing me fall apart in front of his very own eyes. He didn’t know how to react, he watched as I lifted my head up from my hands, frantically wiping the tears off my face and taking a deep breath. “It hurts when you ask me if I’m okay because I will never say no, I will never let you know I’m hurt and I’ll never tell you why. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to scare you, I don’t want you to leave me or push me away so I stay silent. And I refuse to believe your words, no matter how many times you say you are here for me I don’t trust it, I don’t trust anyone anymore. So many people have left me and I’m so scared I’ll lose you too.” He took another step forward, arms reaching around my shaking body to pull me into a hug.“You know I will never leave you right? No matter what you say or do I’ll always be here. I want to help you, but I need you to trust me. You have to trust I care about you. You have to trust I wouldn’t leave you for the world. You mean everything to me, nothing could make me love you any less.” He whispered rubbing small circles on my back, head resting on top of mine. I shook my head, sobs muffled by his T-shirt “you’ll leave me, you’ll leave me like everyone else has please stop lying to me don’t make me believe you it will only hurt me in the end,” I couldn’t stop crying my hands repeatedly hitting his chest “what if I leave you, what if I open up and leave you, what if I hurt you, what if I make you blame yourself, what if I hurt you?” I pushed him away with trembling hands refusing to look him in the eyes.“I would never risk losing you, never. So please just go, I’m okay.” I started pushing him towards the front door, eyes fixated on the ground.“You mean the world to me so for my sake please just forget this happened. I love you, goodbye.” I shut the door as soon as he stepped outside and took a deep breath.“I’m okay” I said as I slowly slid down the back of the door, my body starting to shake again. “I’m okay” I whispered my tears falling down my face to land on the cold wood floor. “I’m okay.”
          I was too busy drowning in self-pity and my remembrance to notice my friend, still standing looking over my weak and pathetic self. And even then, when I’m already hurt and frail, she’ll make me feel worse, her words stinging like acid in my head telling me I’m worthless, I’m nothing, no one loves me, and it wouldn’t matter if I died. No one would care if I was gone forever, I was never of help anyways she’d say, it would almost be better if I died. No, it would be better if I died she would tell me repeatedly. And in the darkest moments of my life, where I couldn’t escape from her, where she sits at the end my bed, feet dangling off the side as she looks at me. Her sick laugh echoing off my empty walls as she just sits there and watches the tears stream down my distressed face, she inevitably gets what she wants. This is what she wanted right? My mind rings as I bring the blade across my arm. This is what she wanted right? Blood lazily drips off my wrist staining the white carpet beneath me. This is what she wanted right? My tears don’t ever stop, hitting the floor like raindrops. This is what she wanted right? The messily written note besides me flys off the desk as I scream and flail in anguish. This is what she wanted right? The cuts only continue and go deeper as my body begins to feel numb and it begins to be harder and harder to keep my eyes open. This is what she wanted right? I finally collapse, body lying lifelessly on the floor as the blood continues to rush out of my body covering the carpet I used to happily sit on with a crimson liquid. This is what I wanted right?

The author's comments:

This is a short story addressing the topics of mental health, specifically depression. 

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