Run. Fight. Retreat. Fight. Retreat. Retreat. F***. I need to fight. Why’d I bring this on myself?

His joyous eyes were ransacked by darkness, stolen of its most prized possession — hope. He peers into me with a cold, hard stare. I want to jolt my head away but I can’t; he understands me. He reads my past and I read his, full of deception, shock, and regret. His eyes are as dark as the thoughts that shroud his wounded consciousness. His dry eye bags wrinkle the crimson skin on his face. He has stopped searching for the hope that he had once lost, no longer looking for compassion in this world. I don’t know if he’s sad or angry. I don’t know if he’s determined or vengeful. I don’t know if he is hurt or he has hurt.

I don’t know why I continue to stare in the mirror.

I slam my fists on the sink top, blood oozing down my forehead. I can’t do this anymore. I CAN’T! I flinched when I glanced down at the sink top to notice the wine-stained marble. Sh*t, I muttered, stumbling on something on the floor. SH*T. I slip, trying to catch myself from my fall.

Everything goes dark.

Suddenly, I’m watching a horror film which I just beg not to be the main character of.

I see myself walking down the rugged sidewalk on a sunny day.

What’s happening? Why can I see this? Am I dead?

I see myself walking with friends, talking and smiling. Talking and laughing. Laughing.

Is that me? This shit is useless now. Cut it out.

I’m strolling without a care in my mind. I see my friends' innocent faces radiate with warmth and ecstasy. Their sparkling smiles were a sight to see until I snatched them away.

They kept me going. They meant so much to me.

When I get back to my dorm, I unwind from another day at school. I lay in my bed, trying to envision my future after college. I can see myself comfortably surrounded by loyal friends and family as I lead to make the world a better place through politics or maybe some other form of social justice. Suddenly, the light on my phone flickers on. It’s Matthew.

“We out to Carly’s party tonight?” he messages a group chat full of my best friends.

“I’d rather ball tbh” I replied.

I shouldn’t have said that.

“Yeah, I’m down to ball tonight honestly. Just us playing you know?” Sam replies.

Everyone agrees.

I suit up with my favorite shorts and basketball sneakers. Twenty minutes behind schedule, I rush over to the school’s basketball courts.

They should’ve had more security.

I felt my stomach churn while jogging to the entrance. As I neared the wooden doors, I could only hear my own shoes squeaking against the floor and pushing off it. I stop at the door.

Silence.

I hear nothing more than my heart pounding, pumping anxiety throughout my body. I pull the squeaking door open when suddenly, a rapid and rhymic loud noise perforate my ears. The chilling shockwaves overtake me, paralyzing my body as the door creaks open. My gaze captures all nine of my closest friends collapsing on the dusty, beige floor. My vision blurs as I tilt my head and see the muzzle flash of a fully automatic rifle. The bronze bullet casings keep falling. They ricochet up as my eyes follow them scattering around the floor. My entire body begins to quiver, shaking uncontrollably. “MOVE!” someone shouts as they bulldoze out the gym and through me, forcibly dragging me outside the building.

I should’ve been there with them. I SHOULD’VE BEEN THERE!

I sulk back to my dorm, punching several holes in the wall. I smash my head against the wall, ripping open my skull.

What the f*** did I do?

My body trembles with excruciating pain. I limp over to my bathroom, pressing my bloody palms against the sink top to keep me from falling. My mind was being wrenched out of my body, spinning and swinging through the newfound abyss within me. I look up at the mirror and fell into a stare with my own gaze. Crimson streaks flow down to my eyes, blurring and distorting my vision. Blood floods my vacant eyes, drowning them with regret and sheer agony.

Everything goes dark