“The sea is an angry woman bringing her love back home. She pushes them towards her, wondering why they left if they loved me so much. In the daytime she searches for her love and in the night, when the temperature cools, she pulls them home.” Those are one of the last words I can remember my father saying to me. I vaguely remember the man whom I call pop, pa, father, dad, and daddy. I don’t know if you could actually call him that. I remember him from the descriptions my mother told. The stories she told were not appropriate for young ears yet, she told me anyways, making his presence large and the impact strong. I never knew him well and I don’t understand how I remember his voice; his sharp, whiny voice that haunts me when I sleep. Maybe it’s an illusion. He was right though; the sea is a woman, a lonely old hag bringing you to the one you want to call love. She can be deceiving and she’ll break you and bind you, but in the end she is the one who has won.

Throughout time, sailors have come to the oceans looking for a way out. They come on duty, for piracy, for anything that’s better than home. In the end, when they’re washing up on an abandoned shore, all they want is the warmth of their loved ones. That wasn’t the case for me, Captain Frederic van Dessen. I left my home to opportunity in London and my mother didn’t approve. Her words meant nothing to me after my sister was born. And although I want to forgive her, take away all the pain we have caused each other, I didn’t, I couldn’t. So I left. I left a life behind that I would never know. I left a sister, step-father, cousin, aunt, uncle, I left a family. On the sea, I created a new one. A ‘family’ from different places to this day, I only speak to two. They are the ones I consider my true loves, my true hope.