I was dreaming of riding a duck to Timbuktu when my teacher barked
“Hey you! Get up! The office wants you” Startled, I awoke from my slumber, raised my head from the folds of my jacket and said
“I SAID… THE OFFICE WANTS YOU, YOU NINCOMPOOP! AND IF YOU FIND YOUR FRIEND, TELL HIM TO COME BACK!!!”
“Oh” I said and walked out of class. I was glad to be out of Mr.Jalapeno’s Math class, but I was confused as to why I had been called to the office, and the fact that I didn’t know why, bothered me. What if I had an early dismissal? What if I was being expelled? What if I was being switched out of Spanish? What if they found out I occasionally skip Math class? All these thoughts wandered through my head as I went down the hallway towards the stairs. This stairwell in particular always brings back a memory. A couple of years back, our principal was Edward Eggplant, who unbeknownst to all but a few, was a child molester. In this very staircase he tried to molest me, however, I had my handy dandy can of pepper spray and sprayed it right in his eyes. He was later sentenced to three eternities in jail and I got on the news and all that good stuff.
As I neared the principal's office, I saw my best friend, McSolo Yoloburger cowering in fear as a roach approached him. Knowing of his deathly fear of tiny animals, I quickly stomped the bug out of existence.
“Thanks man” he gasped “That thing was almost about to get me” I snorted at him and his microzoophobia.
“So, whatchu doin out here?” I asked
“Skipping Mr.Jalepeno’s class, just came out of the office” he replied
“Thats funny, that’s were I was going.”
“Ima come with you” he said with a mischevious smile playing on the corners of his mouth.
“Sure” I said as we made our way to Mr Hammurabi’s office.
When we got there, Mr.Hammurabi was seated on his chair, reading the newspaper and sipping vodka. Mr.Hammurabi was a very tall man, about 6 foot 4 with thick eyebrows and a heavy moustache. Leaning against his desk were a pair of crutches, for he had broken his leg yet again, the seventh time in four years. When he took his gaze of the paper and looked at us, he seemed worried. Eyeballing McSolo he raised his magnificent eyebrow, and asked
“Weren’t you just here five seconds ago?”
“Uhhhhh…” was his only reply
“Oh well” He said “Whatevs. I called your friend here because I have received very troubling news that concerns him, and I guess you too”
“What is it?” I asked
He looked at me, a haggard look in his eyes then immediately took a swig of vodka.
“I have received news from the local prison, Edwards Eggplant has escaped.”
“Oh no” said McSolo
“But there’s more” he said pouring himself another glass of vodka.
“What” I said, as McSolo reached for the glass
“And written all over the walls of his cell were two names, yours and mine” Mr.Hammurabi said.
“What are we going to do?” McSolo asked, his glass now empty.
Mr. Hammurabi didn’t respond, he just shook his head and reached for his glass, seeing that it wasn’t there he took another glass from the nearby coffee table. He poured the drink into his own glass and the glass in the outstretched arm of McSolo. They clinked glasses and drained them. McSolo giggled, drinking straight from the bottle as Mr.Hammurabi sunk back down in his chair and took out another one from his secret drawer.
I was confused, and the fact that my best friend was drinking vodka and my principal was too drunk to care didn’t help either. Eggplant has escaped. He’s probably going to try and kill me. Then I saw something on the security monitor.
“OH MY GOD! Mr. Hammurabi look!” I exclaimed. Our principle lifted his eyes from his cup and looked up at the screen. Lying by the school entrance was our school officer.
“My God!” he gasped, reaching for another glass.
At that moment we heard a rumbling sound from the ventilator.
“OH NO!!! IT”S A RAT!!” squealed McSolo.
“Oh no… it’s much worse than that” said a voice from the ventilator.
“AIIIIIIII IT'S A TALKING RAT!!!!” shreiked McSolo.
“No you idiot!” said the voice, which was ringing a bell in the memory church.
“A talking m-mouse” whimpered McSolo, filling his glass yet again.
“Oh my God…” groaned the voice. Then all the sudden someone burst out of the ventilator and landed on some chairs. Groaning Edward Eggplant got up. He had changed last time I saw him. He was much more fit and was bald with a goatee. His left eye though was covered in an eyepatch, and the skin around it was a bright red.
“Its Edward Eggplant” gasped McSolo.
“Thats Mr.Eggplant to you” he hissed. In response McSolo let out rather loud burp. Turning towards Mr.Hammurabi, who was trying to get up but was having a hard time because his crutches were on the floor, Eggplant snorted in contempt.
“So this is my replacement huh? Some drunk who lets his students drink vodka. You’re a disgrace”
“That’s funny coming from you” he spat.
Then Eggplant turned and spotted me trying to blend in with the nearby plants.
“And you… YOU! You made my life hell! I rotted in prison for years on end because of you. You see this eyepatch?” he said “I have this because your damn pepper spray permanently damaged my eye and they had to take it out. But now… I will have my revenge.” he hissed and pulled out a pistol. I pulled out my handy dandy can of pepper spray, but before I could shoot he leapt into the air and roundhouse-kicked it out of my hands. Then he sidekicked me into the wall. Groaning I tried to get up but he put his foot on my chest and pointed the gun at me.
“Not this time” he said ”I have waited five years three months ten days thirteen hours fifty six minutes and six seconds for this moment and I will not have it spoiled by pepper spray again”
From the corner of my eye I saw McSolo quickly drain his glass and throw it at Eggplant. The glass shattered against his head and he glared at McSolo. For someone terrified of c***roaches he showed no fear in the face of a man with a gun or maybe he was too drunk. Swaying on his feet, he threw another glass at Eggplant. However this time the ex-principal caught it and threw it back at him. The glass hit him right in the forehead and McSolo crumpled to the floor. Then a shadow fell over Eggplant as Mr.Hammurabi lunged at him arms outstretched and looking like a vicious animal. He tackled him and hit him with two solid punches before the old principal hit him with one of his own. Mr.Hammurabi tried to get up but his crutches were behind the table, so he crawled towards the wall for support. He had almost stood up straight when Eggplant kicked his legs, unbalancing him and the kicked him, sending my principal tumbling across the table and landing right next to his crutches.
“You know what, I’m going to kill you first, then the boy.” Eggplant said, picking up his gun from the floor. I had to do something. I charged at Eggplant, arms swinging like a windmill. Edward grabbed my hand, punched me in the face, grabbed my other hand, tossed me in the air and kicked me like a soccer ball. I crashed into one of Mr.Hammurabi’s desks and lay there amidst countless of vodka bottles. Eggplant then turned his attention towards Mr.Hammurabi, who had now gotten up, crutches in hand, a defiant look on his face. Eggplant was about to fire when Mr.Hammurabi flicked his wrist, swinging his crutch in an arc knocking the gun out of Eggplant’s hand.
“You are no match for me.” said Eggplant, getting into some kung fu stance ”I’ve studied praying mantis style, monkey style, dragon style and even swooping crane style.”
Mr.Hammurabi smirked and did a somersault kick, with his crutches. Eggplant tumbled to the floor but got up again in the same motion. Growling he leapt into the air. Mr.Hammurabi did the same only, he was spinning in midair. His crutches swatted Eggplant to the floor and he gracefully landed in a roll. Eggplant charged again but he was hit with a roundhouse crutch smack to the face.
“What sorcery is this?” Eggplant gasped, cowering in fear.
“It is broken leg style, also known as crazy crutches style.” replied Mr.Hammurabi “Since I break my leg often I made it my business to learn this technique from its founder,a hermit in Pennsylvania who has no legs.” He raised his crutches for one more strike.
“No, no please” begged Eggplant, but to no avail. The strike hit him with a crack on the head, knocking him out. The police came in later, and shipped Eggplant to a jail in Cambodia and Mr.Hammurabi got on the news and all that good stuff. I resumed my normal life, but whenever Mr.Hammurabi breaks his leg I always make sure to stay on his good side, even if it means going to Math class.
The Good, The Bad. The drunk and The Pinciple
October 20, 2017