Adventures in the Deep

March 14, 2017
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Richie’s sea cucumber glistened in the fridge. This was no ordinary sea cucumber. This was Kevin the sea cucumber. As Richie opened the fridge, his thick golden locks draped over the  moist, glistening, chilled sea cucumber. This cumbersome cucumber was his reason to live, but unfortunately, it vanished before his very eyes leaving a shadow of where this pristine cucumber once was. This was most likely the work of his slimey, dank, crusty brother, Rick. He had always been envious of Richie’s cumbersome vegetables. The loss of the prized sea cucumber infuriated Richie.

As Richie sat alone and cucumberless, a vivid thought came to him in his sad state of crippling depression. He then realized that  if he didn’t retrieve his sea cucumber he would die a lonely and cucumberless man. He thought that calling his friends Robbie and Alex would be a great idea. Picking up the phone that was moistened with tears, he called his beloved friends with a sob. While on the phone with his sagacious friends, he weeped under his breath while asking for the whereabouts of his evil twin brother. Richie’s woebegone face sunk deep into the glistening palms of his hands. Robbie and Alex would be right over, to help solve this pickle.

On the quest for the pristine cucumber; they took a wrong turn leading them down a path of onions and shallots, through a field of corn cobs, and into a wooded glen. This long hazardously faint path led them to a giant castle. Around it, were tiny orange men dressed in white trousers and brown cardigans. Each stood by a cannon filled with used diapers that reeked of asparagus. They marched in front of the tall, puke green door that lead to a large courtyard of green grass and steers that grazed. There was no possible way to breach the doors without being one of the tiny orange men, for they were the only ones allowed inside. They came up with a plan to kill the orange men so they wouldn’t have to deal with them later.  They summoned the god of the sea bass to grant them machine guns to dispose of the little men before them.
Robbie yelled at the little men with his booming thunderous voice to, “Get on on the ground yee dank ogres or we will shoot yee in thy face!”
The tiny men did as they were ordered. They gave the three dank friends the suits and allowed them access into Lord Farquaad’s castle.

Upon walking inside the very translucent castle, Alex stepped on a large sick that caused all of the magnificent steers to stampede. This was definitely a problem, but a problem that they could use to their advantage. You see, Robbie was wearing very flashy clothing that made him look like a walratee fire hydrant drizzled in corn syrup. Robbie was happy to sacrifice himself for Richie and his sea cucumber. Robbie got the herd of feeble steers to run through him, and bust down the titanic doors. Robbie, didn’t survive. He became a walratee pancake, lying in the pasture. His friends sobbed over his steam-rolled appearance. They couldn’t weep anymore, they had to get a move on. They bolted up the stairs, only to be stopped by none other than Rick.
“Going somewhere?” Rick chuckled begrudgingly.
“Give me my sea cucumber you crusty oaf!” Richie squealed
Everyone watched as they duked it out in a fat, blubbery wrestling match.
“Your days of crusty tyranny are over. Yee shall live no more!” Richie screeched in his incoherent jibber-jabber.
Richie put his lardy hands into his ultra-tight cardigan, and pulled out a pair of dirty boxer shorts encrusted with sewage, and threw them at Rick. He died almost instantaneously. Richie retrieved  his slippery cucumber, and flopped down the stairs with the look of sheer joy in his eyes.

Richie went home and kissed Kevin, his glorious cucumber. Richie passed out from magical cucumber juices, to never wake again. All of his friends mourned the loss of a dear walratee. Richie died loving his succulent sea cucumber. At his funeral, they added a mound of his cumbersome collection of vegetables to his casket: sour cream onions, his one and only sea cucumber, and beautifully polished tomatoes. Richies bulging casket was ready to be put in the ground, never to see the light of day again. This was the end of a long and prosperous life for the great Reginald Eugene Sherman Patricia Richard the 19th.

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