Shote

January 6, 2013
By MidnightFire PLATINUM, Lincoln, Illinois
MidnightFire PLATINUM, Lincoln, Illinois
40 articles 6 photos 239 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.'
for my sister: 'when life gives me lemons ... i eat them'
'do not be afraid, be faithful'
'God is not safe, but He's good'


I’m reawaken from my deep, but spotty, thinking by a very- very- light and nervous touch on my arm. Taking a quick account of myself, I find I’m still sitting on the dirt look out of the ocean, knees still propped up, arms folded and resting on them, and forehead resting on my arms. My eyes aren’t visible to Denzel, who had ever so slowly shifted over to me, and was reminding me he was there. This made my eyebrows draw together in a glare at the dirt I could see through the space between my legs, he’d seen Kit do the same thing a hundred times. I can hear his heart fluttering, he’s worried I’ll attack him again but needs to tell me something else, something important enough to risk rough waters. Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply, though my eyebrows are still glaring, and try to calm down.
It’s not Denzel’s fault that no touch has been truly caring, or humane in some cases, for the past how many years, and it’s not Kit’s fault either. It’s my fault. My decision, my fault. Repeating this in my head, I finally sigh and look up at Denzel; he tries to give a comforting smile that says he knows what I’m going through. But how could anyone know what I’m going through, or what I’ve gone through when most of it I’ve never told anyone? Just like with Misty, what happened to her, and the second 5 years of my childhood lost from any file, I think detachedly with a small smile. Denzel pulls me back to the present again with a furrowed eyebrows look that questions what I’m thinking. Then I smile again at how we are speaking without words.
Then pain enters my lower back, near my left kidney. A split second later I hear a sharp crack echo through the air. My face contorts, I lean forward against my still bet legs, and a slight groan escapes me. The pain only gets worse as the bullet reaches my loose rib- I really need to get that stupid thing removed. My loose rib is my last rib on my left side; it’s a twisted, feeble, old thing that’s practically decaying inside my body. The only reason it hasn’t been removed is because from where it leaves my spine to its razor sharp tip is covered in a cm, at least, of nerve endings, veins and blood vessels. It’s like my physical Achilles’ heel. - The pain becomes nauseating. I could have ran, fought, done almost anything if the bullet hadn’t hit that freakin’ rib. Whimpering soundlessly, I stand. One of the most painful things I’ve experienced in a long time, like as if the fall I had a few days ago from 20-30 stories had only landed and bruised on one spot.
My thoughts are growing sluggish as Denzel gets me into the back of the SUV, but one thing’s for sure, this wasn’t random and it wasn’t just aimed at me. I realize I’m lying in the floor between the driver’s row and the one behind, and glare at the back of Denzel’s head. I don’t know how, or why, but he’s a part of this. Whether he led them here on accident or on purpose, I bet this is his fault. Frustrated with myself, I mentally scold my second layer for not warning me … then I realize how badly out of it I really am. Mostly I’m frustrated because I can take six shots to the torso, upper part preferably, before I start to slow down. But this one, not lucky but purposeful, shot has me almost helpless. The shooter had to have known of the rib, and I doubt Hunter’s people would know about it.
Shaking my head, I force white blood cells to the bullet area so I can heal enough to think. A second later I’m thinking normally, despite a distant headache and nausea. Rolling my shoulders I get on my knees and peer through the front windshield. We’re heading the wrong way, we’re speeding back to the city I just escaped. Denzel see’s my anger through his rear view mirror, and swallows hard.
“Where are you going?” I snarl in his ear.
“Back to town. You need a doctor.” I growl, rumbling in my chest, at the thought of not only going back to a town filled with my enemies, but also to be poked and prodded by a mad man in a lab coat. I’m not fond of doctors, especially after being tested on like a lab rat, and almost being dissected … along with many other uncomfortable things.
“There’s an inn about five miles back that I was going to switch cars at!”
“Oh ya, right after you flung yourself off that cliff!”
“You and I both know that a small dive into some water won’t kill me.”
“That ‘small dive’ was a 100+ FOOT CLIFF!”
“That wouldn’t kill me either. And neither will this bullet. Now turn this thing around, or I will crash it!”
“Fine! But only because you are willing to kill us both.” Denzel muttered the last part as he flung a U-turn sharp enough to purposely fling me into the car door. I right myself, swearing grouchily, only to duck as a bullet smashes through the front windshield. There is a blockade a head, several large vehicles, as well as black clad figures kneeled and shooting. Denzel takes another U-turn. A quick glance gives escape. Smiling I tap Denzel’s shoulder.
“If you want to escape with your life, jump with me off the cliff!” I shout over the roar of the wind from the broken window. He looks at me like I’m crazy, maybe I am. But I love my freedom with a burning passion, and if it means that Denzel wants to stay behind and get caught, then fine by me. “They are either going to cut you off or shoot you down. You said Kit doesn’t know you’re here, so he won’t know till it’s too late he’s downed on of his own.” I open the side door; the wind tries to close it, but as I hold it open my attackers help me by attacking the door.
They shoot the door off its hinges and it flies back toward them, as though seeking revenge. “If you’re jumping, aim at where I hit, there should be no obstructions there!” I shout out the last comment then jump.


The author's comments:
This is another article from the Drizzle series, after Answers and before Dive. I hope you like :) I enjoy comments and ratings!
P.S. extra Es on names is to reach character minimum >:/

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This article has 3 comments.


on Mar. 12 2013 at 8:50 pm
MidnightFire PLATINUM, Lincoln, Illinois
40 articles 6 photos 239 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.'
for my sister: 'when life gives me lemons ... i eat them'
'do not be afraid, be faithful'
'God is not safe, but He's good'

This helps a ton! Thank you so much! :) You're the first person who's really accepted the challenge to help with this large group of articles :) Also I've been trying to edit my inability to use commas and my difficulty to stay in one tense so hopefully the re-edited version which isn't posted is better. Also I've often thought about adding detail to that first chapter and probably will to the building, but the man never shows up again and I probably won't do much with him. I'll try and find another describing technique for 'lathering' and the 'float'ing and see if there's anything better I can use. Again thank you for the advice I really appreciate it! :) Hopefully one day you will find this in a bookstore! .... Though if you do recognize it, the title would be Storm :) Thanks!!

on Mar. 11 2013 at 6:27 pm
Amaranthinium GOLD, Dade City, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not let numbers tell you what to do. You are blood and earth, not theory and chalk." -Welcome to Night Vale

hi midnightfire! So i wanted to help you with your drizzle series somehow, but unfortunately i don’t have time to read them all before you forget that you asked me to in the first place :). So instead I read the first one, this one, and skimmed a few others to try and spot a few things that were consistent throughout. I’m sorry I can’t help with the plot or anything much, but i hope this does something for you!

i think your writing moves really well; you have a real talent for writing action. never too much detail or nonsense. of course, there are a few details you could add just to make everything pop more. for example, maybe describe the HQ of the Bullocks (i think) and the man in the first part a little more. you don’t have to go too crazy, but if you’re going for a gritty action kind of thing, or any other kind of mood, i think a few extra details could really help bring it to life even more. Also, this is a little nitpicky, but there were a few wording choices that I found kind of awkward. I like that you’re not just resorting to cliches to describe everything, but there are a few descriptions in there that make me picture things that probably aren’t exactly what you were going for. For example, I can’t really picture shadows “lathering” an alleyway, and I don’t know if an icy voice of death would innocently “float” through the air. Other wording choices leave me a little confused, like “a quick glance gives escape” in Shote. Just make sure everything is clear and fits with the tone of the story.

There were a few tense switches; at the end of drizzle, you went to past tense with “remembered,” “didn’t know,” etc, and then back to present tense with “I will end up....” The same thing happens in the last few paragraphs of Shote. Also, while I think you’re mostly good on the punctuation front, a few sentences, like “Nodding he lets me in” should be “Nodding, he lets me in,” and “This made my eyebrows draw together...., he’d seen Kit do the same thing...” might work better as two separate sentences. Maybe try reading what you’ve written out loud sometimes (w/ esp. attention to where you’ve put the pauses in a sentence) just to make sure that everything flows fine. Having sentences that are quick and not-super-comma heavy is fine and, in some places, really good for the action in your story. Sometimes, though, a sentence can get a little too long or jumbled or just grammatically incorrect, so watch out for that.

Also, in “Shote,” you used things like 100+, cm, 20-30, etc. If this is some sort of stylistic choice and you really like it then don’t let me stop you, but I did find it a little off-putting.

To end on a positive note, I found what I read of your story really interesting, and I would definitely keep reading if I picked it up in a book store. Your character seems really cool, and you do a good job of building suspense and letting the reader know just enough information to keep them interested without spoiling the plot. It seems like a really cool story and I hope you keep working on it! Also, sorry this is so super-mega-long, haha. Hope it helps.

on Jan. 22 2013 at 7:19 pm
MidnightFire PLATINUM, Lincoln, Illinois
40 articles 6 photos 239 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.'
for my sister: 'when life gives me lemons ... i eat them'
'do not be afraid, be faithful'
'God is not safe, but He's good'

This wil be the last of the Drizzle series I will be posting on TI.  Thanks for reading :)




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