Wilfred Giant and the Beanstalk

June 14, 2012
Ah, it was the perfect day. I was strolling through my castle up in the clouds thinking of all the good things I had and how grateful I, Wilfred Giant, was for everything. Thank god there were none of those pesky little Englishmen around; I could spend all my days lounging, relaxing, and spending time with my beloved wife.

As the wee hours of the morning passed, it approached breakfast time. Only looking for the finest ingredients, I went to our personal garden and carefully plucked Giantfruit off plants. With my arms full of colorful bouncing fruit, I cheerfully walked into my castle to the kitchen, calling a greeting to my wife. Suddenly, I started coughing sneezing violently, sinking down on my knees to the floor.

“Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” I shouted. What? How did one of those get in here? Did my beautiful wife let him in, when she knows that those Englishman folk are no good?

“Wilfred, what’s wrong?” my wife asked. “It’s not an Englishman you smell, it’s just the pastries I’m making for breakfast.” What was my wife thinking? Did she think I was stupid? Of course it was an Englishman!

I was in shock. I, like all other Giants, knew that this one tiny Englishman would completely ruin my life. He would set my castle on fire, shove me or my wife into an oven, or worse!

Dumping the Giantfruit onto the table, I frantically scanned the kitchen for any signs of the Englishman. With such a little thing in a Giant’s castle, the nasty pinprick could be anywhere! Suddenly, a tiny head popped out of a kettle. I tried to snatch the Englishman as he hopped onto the floor, but he was far too quick. Desperate, I skidded and slipped across the kitchen floor, reaching down to grab him, my fingers almost closing around his tiny waist. THUNK! I had fallen onto the floor flat on my face before I could catch the Englishman.

Dazed, I lifted my head with dismay as I watched the Englishman open out my box of valuables. Then he ran off, snickering and flashing an evil grin at me, with our only two bags of gold! I quickly attempted to haul myself up to make chase, but I sank to the floor again, defeated. The splitting throb in my head was far too painful, and I soon fainted.

When I awoke quite some time after, I was filled with sorrow. How would my wife and I survive without any money? Although we grew our own food and kept our own animals, we still needed to pay taxes just like everyone else. If we ever decided to have children, we couldn’t send them to school without money. I sighed as I though what my wife and I were going to do.

From my spot on the floor, I could see the legs of the animals in my sunny backyard as they frolicked past. I smiled as I saw our prize golden hen, the one that laid eggs of solid gold, waddle across its pen.

Eggs of solid gold? Of course! All of our problems were solved! As long as our hen stayed alive and healthy, we could always sell its pure golden eggs for money.

The pain in my head had ebbed considerably since I banged it, so I pushed myself off the floor, opened the back door, and gently scooped the hen up in my arms. I stroked her neck as I carried her back inside and set her on the table.

“Lay,” I uttered, and, to my delight, out popped a shining golden egg. Chuckling, I told her to lay twice more, and soon three sparking golden eggs were in my palm.

Feeling a breeze ruffle my hair, I turned around and shut the back door that I had accidentally left open behind me. Almost immediately, I started coughing and sneezing violently, sinking down on my knees to the floor.

“Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” I roared.

“Wilfred, Wilfred,” my wife, having heard me, called.

“Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” I roared again. Dropping the eggs onto the table, I immediately stood up and stormed around the kitchen, glancing all over for the Englishman. I peeked in the kettle and the oven, but he wasn’t there. Turning around, I saw him shinnying up the chair and dashing across the table towards my beautiful golden hen.

“NO!” I screamed, realizing with rage that it was the same boy as the one who had snatched my bags of gold. Looking for something, anything to hit him with, I brandished a harp and followed him out of the castle.

He was running away across the clouds towards a very curious looking plant. This surprised me. No plants except for Giantfruit grew in the skies. Peering closer, I saw that it was a vine with beans growing off it. The Englishman immediately hopped onto it and started scrambling down.

I followed him once again, but the beanstalk was almost buckling under my massive weight. I slipped, and the harp fell hundreds of feet down to the ground below.

The Englishman was too fast for me. He kept scurrying towards the ground while I had barely climbed down ten feet. But if I didn't get my hen back, my wife and I would be in hot water.

What I didn't know at that point was that my harp that was still falling was magical. If its beloved owner (me) was in dire need of help, it would sing a magical song that would solve all his problems.

"Oh help me, help me!" I cried.

Suddenly an otherworldly voice filled the air. "Ahhahhahah, let me help my master," the harp wailed in quite an out-of-tune drawl.

Then I saw something distant coming towards me. What was it? A final nemesis ready to bring about my demise? As it came closer, I could see it better. It was my beloved golden hen, carrying one bag of gold in each of her feet! Dangling from her beak was my small harp.

I looked below. What had happened to the Englishman that had caused him to let go of the hen? My hen, having flown up to the clouds and deposited its load, soon came back down towards me. "Let me lift you with my talons," it croaked.

What strange things were happening to me! Since I had few other options, I hesitantly complied by grabbing onto the hen's legs. My golden hen took me down towards the ground to see what happened to the Englishman.

As I alighted on the spongy green grass, I saw a most horrible sight. There was a mass twisting and writhing on the ground, with the head of the pesky Englishman! A bright flash of light appeared, and I beheld the miserable little creature that the Englishman that had taken my gold and hen had turned into. It was, of all things, a stinkbug.

"Ew," I muttered, as a pungent odor wafted up to me. Now, all my nemesis the Englishman could do was spray me with some harmless, but smelly liquid. I sighed with relief. I had my hen, gold, and harp back, and nothing could ever bother me again.

"Look, look, there it is!" an excited group of Englishman children squealed. But they ventured far too close to me, and unfortunately the stinkbug was squashed under one of their little shoes.

Knowing the children were Englishman and could still harm me, I quickly scrambled up the beanstalk. For good measure, I grasped the top of the beanstalk and broke it off with a mighty snap. Now those Englishman could never get to me again, and I was completely happy. Ah, it was the perfect day, yet again.





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