The Wizard of Douma

January 24, 2012
By Anonymous

There’s this beautiful young girl named, “Austina”. She lived in Kansas, in a cozy wooden house. Unfortunately she weighed too must for her wheel chair to support. So she’d just mob around in her triple king sized bed all day and night. Occasionally she would see her boyfriend Tom, whenever he would come to scavenge her bed for food. His main objective was to find and eat me. Until one day he took a life or death chance to retrieve the cheese from under Austina’s bed. But before Tom could even touch the cheese, the bed collapsed. Crushing the cat. My name is Jerry by the way, Jerry the mouse. And I lived in Austina’s belly button, without her knowing of course.

The next day, she was awoke from her monthly hibernation by her father, “Walker.” During her hibernation I liked to spoil myself. I’d eat all the leftovers under her pillow. Anyways, Walker burst in, he was extremely terrified and was moving fast. He quickly grabed his RuneScape recovery questions and ran out the door. Austina seemed worried. He usually never came in her room. Then I saw it. A giant tornado was coming straight for the house. If only she could roll over enough to be able to see out the window. The tornado took the other two houses out like it was nothing. But once it reached us, it seemed to have some trouble lifting us off the ground. “PWEEFFFF”, EW! Austina then farted, I remember it too vividly. The tornado then tore the house from the foundation and it lifted us into the air. We were spinning fast! “HUH UGH!” She let out a grown as we were thrown half way out the window. She couldn’t fit completely. As we gazed into the center of the tornado in fear, we felt confused too. It was all very strange. There were cars flying by and, “WTF!” I screamed. There was a witch riding a bike in the middle of the tornado. And then there was a cow zooming past! The second I saw the cow, I knew it was the end of us. Austina saw the cow, and despite the fact that we were a mile high in a tornado, she breaks out of the window in attempt to eat the cow.

As I slowly regained consciousness, I became more and more confused. How did I survive? Where am I? Why am I surrounded by colorful mushrooms? These questions rambled through my head. As I wondered around in search for my home, I found the house instead. And it had no damage to it. How can this be? I thought I must have eaten one of those mushrooms or something. Now I started to get worried, I wondered if I’d ever see Austina again. I took a few steps around the house, and what do you know, there she was. I could hear the beached whale snoring as I approached her. Thank god she was ok! “HU BUH BUH BUH BUH BUH” Sounded like a motor of some sort, and it was heading our way. As I dove into my belly button home, I quickly peeked out to see who it is. Looked like a bunch of short people on quads, who’ve been eating way too many of those mushrooms. “YAYY WOO HOO!” they were all screaming, “They killed him!” Wait who’d we kill? I thought. “WHAT’S GOING ON?” I scream. It was pointless for me to say anything at all, because no one can understand a mouse. At least, that’s what I thought. “Oh hello little mouse, didn’t see you in there. But you and your massive mobile home just killed the ‘Wicked Witch of the Coto!” Says a small green man. “That’s great, but how can you understand me?” I ask. “You’re in the ‘Land of Douma,’ get in the loop.” I swear I’m dead. “Alright, well where is this ‘Coto’ guy?” They don’t even need to say anything, they just point right below Austina. I look over and all that’s showing is this guys feet. “OK I’m not even going to ask, because I really don’t care. I just wanna get home.” Then we all fall silent as Austina awakes.

“What’s happening? Where’s that cow!?” Groans Austina. “As you can see, my ‘mobile home’ isn’t that mobile. She’s going to need some help.” “Who said that? You calling me fat?!” She said. “My names Jerry, I’m a mouse that lives in your belly button, the names Jerry. How about you don’t ask any more questions and I’ll get us home?” “As long as I get my cow!” She yells. “OK green dude, how do we get home, and how do we get this chick to move?” He makes a strange face, so I guess he’s thinking. OK he’s about to talk! “You must go on an adventure to the Wizard of Douma himself, to ask him to send you home, and I guess I’ll leave quad for transportation.” “Ok no more talking!” I scream. I’m tired of listening to you guys, go away.” Finally some silence, except for Austina’s heavy breathing. Hmm maybe I should have had them help lift us on the quad…… “AH what the efff?” A bright light just appeared. I can barely see anything. OK good, the lights gone. “HELLO” says some fairy. “AH” I scream. “Who are you?” I ask. “I’m the good witch, but you can call me ‘BJ’, for short.” He says, as he attempts to fix his wedgie. He looks rather large to be wearing that fairy suit, but it’s probably best if I don’t bring it up. “So, you think you could help us out? I need this tub of lard on that quad, and you should probably tie her down with some ratchet straps or something.” The witch fairy man quickly responds, “Oh yea sure why not, I’ll do anything when I’m asked to. But when ‘BJ’ asks anyone to do anything, such as, ‘please stop running over my dog,’ it turns into the end of the world!” At least I’m safe in here, “Thanks a lot man, I expect everything to be finished when I wake up.” I say.

Wow, I feel totally refreshed from that nap. I don’t see that good witch anywhere, hope he did his job. The sun must be setting, Austina’s shadow covers up a good part of the area. “Mister Mouse?” Whispers Austina. “My name’s Jerry, and I thought I told you not to talk? And now I’m really not in the mood because you’re still on the ground! Just covered in ratchet straps!” I say with an angry tone. “But that’s the thing Jerry, I’m on a four-wheeler, but the witch man put me on a little 50cc, so my body might drag a little.” She says. That’s just great, well at least we have transportation. I better sit on the handle bars to lead the way. “Let’s go!!” I yell. The quad slowly moves forward, leaving behind a massive trail left by her love handles. Gross. Now the sun is over the horizon, and its night. Wait? The sun is coming right back up! Going the opposite way! This place is weird. We’re passing by a pumpkin field now, there’s a weird looking scare crow standing right by the trail. “Stop by that scare crow OK?” As we come to a stop, I stare at the face, and it’s staring at me! “BUCMAST GOVNO!!!” He screams. “AH, your alive?” I ask. “Yea I alive, my name Jones, Zackary Jones. And what that monster you riding on!? Why it licking its lips at me?” He said while shivering with fear. “She probably wants to eat you, but she cant move so its cool. By the way, is it true that this the way to the Wizard of Douma?” I ask. “Yeah that’s fer true. HEY! Can I come with? I want Douma to give me brain, I not so smart if you notice.” He says in shame. Maybe I should let him come along, so Austina can have dinner. Well I don’t wanna ruin her appitite for that cow I promised her. “Sure you can come, just wait here. We’ll be back never. Wait for us.” Haha I’m so devious. “OK OK I be here, thanks you!” He seems like he really thinks we’re coming back, he does need a brain.

I can barely see Jones in the distance. He’s eating his own straw that he’s pulling out from between his legs. “MOOO!” Moo’s Austina. We can see the cow in the middle of the pasture, eating something. Austina floors the gas and we speed up to 10 miles an hour. We’re now off the trail, but what ever parts of Austina is dragging behind us is making a new one. I could make money off this!... OK really? The cow is eating a lion. Whats wrong with this place? We’re nearing arms reach of the cow now, Austina is reaching out and grabs its tail. I’m going to see that lion. I feel bad for that cow, Austina is dragging him to where they’re out of sight. “Help me” moans the lion. “Dude you’re still alive!? You’re missing half your tummy!” I say. Now he’s crying, great. “I don’t need my tummy anyways, I just need help up!” He’s totally balling! “Why are you crying? Is it cuz that cow was eating you?” I say. “Kinda, I’m a lion man! And I let a COW eat me! Plus have a thorn in my paw, and it hurts! Take it out please.” He crys. “No, take it out yourself, don’t be such a cry baby. Whats your name?” I ask. “Mark the lion.” He states. “Well it must come with the name or something. Would you like to come with me to Douma so he can turn you into how a lion should actually be?” I say in a happy tone. “Oh em gee I would love to!” He screams. “Well you cant, have fun with your whole deal about dying and what not.” I say. Just walk away Jerry, walk away. “Austina!” She’s gone! Wait I see something, a blood trail. I’ll just follow that.

I’m coming up on a hobo, I think? Yea I dead hobo made of metal or something. Looks like Austina ran him over. Lets see what his sign says. “My name is Tommy the Tin Man. All I want is someone to take me to Douma so I can get a heart.” Oh what a happy ending, Austina left the cows heart inside of him. I wonder how she’s doing all this considering she’s strapped to the quad. I’ve been following this trail for hours now, and it’s a dead end! Stops right infront of this huge castle that says “DOUMA” on it…………Wait? “OHHH!!” I yell. First thing I see when I crawl under the door is Austina’s rear end. Not a pretty sight, especially if she’s been frightened, which she has! Ew. “Austina are you OK?” I ask. “SHH! Listen behind that big curtain.” She whispers. I’m against the curtain now, there’s big green flames and smoke everywhere. I do hear someone talking though. A deep voice, sounds evil. “OH yea! Kick flip! Comin in fer a board slide…. BOOM nailed it!” Says the weird voice. Sounds like he’s skate boarding or something. “Excuse me….. you back there?” I ask. “WHO DARES DISTERB THE WIZARD OF DOUMA DURING HIS FINGER BOARDING TIME!?” He screams. “Uhh me, Jerry, a little mouse. I want you to send me and my house back to Kansas.” I demand. He laughs for a while. “Come back later, I’m busy being awesome!” He goes back behind his curtain, “AAWWW YEA verial flip! Crap come back!” He says as his finger board rolls to my feet. Douma bursts out in anger, “GIVE IT BACK! OR I’M TELLING ON YOU! THAT COST 70 DOLLARS!” He screams. “I’ll give it back, calm down man. Just tell us how to get home.” I say. “Fine, all you gotta do is have that big thing over there tap her heels 3 times.” He says. “You gotta be kidding me, she probably doesn’t have the ability to!!” I yell in anger and snap the finger board in half! “NOOOOO!” He screams. “What now!?” I ask. “Well I’m going to kill you now, bye.” He says. But right before he zaps me, Austina drives the quad right into him and the green fire, blowing everything up. I’m all alone now, I guess I’ll go try some of those weird colored mushrooms now.

The author's comments:
its awesome

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