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May 19, 2011
I was awakened to the loud banging and squeaking of the lid of my cage being removed. The humans were at it again. They just loved to do this when I'm in the middle of taking a good snooze. Can't they see that I'm asleep? Suddenly I was being grabbed out of my cozy bed and into the air. Being picked up has always been scary. What if they dropped me? I'm not sure if I could survive a fall from here.

They were making noise at me. I've never been sure why they always needed to hold me close enough to their face that I could actually see them. I could smell the air coming from the big holes in the middle. It wasn't too weird today, but I really wished I didn't have to be this close. The human – the girl, I think – moved me lower and away from her face.

One of these days I will find a way to successfully escape from this cage. I will get out of it for longer than the humans allow. I will find that place I once was with all of the others of my kind and they will know me as Overlord Ham Ham and – ooh, I do love when the humans scratch behind my ears – and they will all be my minions. I will control them all and we, the hamsters, will overrun all that we come across. Our only weakness will be being scratched behind our ears – if they can catch us – and those delicious honey treats that the occasionally nice humans like to put into my cage, but we will prevail!

I wondered if I started moving around instead of being cuddly would make the human put me back down. I do not enjoy being up in the air one bit; not since that one time the larger man almost dropped me. I didn't like the idea of walking around up here, but I had to find a way to safety somehow, even if it was back into my awful cage. The ground was safe there.

I suppose the human got tired of keeping up with me running around. I was now back inside of my cage and on solid, trustworthy ground. Between the walking around and the thoughts of world domination, it was time to get out of this cage. I needed to get to my fellow hamsters! The most freedom I've had is in this place is the strange clear orb they put me in. They usually let me out in it if I beg them.

I felt the bumps through the cage walls, and I knew there were still humans nearby. I stood quickly on my back legs. They've let me out of here in the past when I did this. I looked around. I couldn't see anything except for blobs. I hopped on my wheel to make some noise and attract their attention. The motion I felt through my paws stopped. There was a blob in front of me and the scent of human met my nose. Again, I stood on my back legs, just begging for them to let me out. They could never resist one as cute as I looking so sad.

The ball was the most successful plan of escape of the past. Once I figured out that the end of the ball came off when it was chewed on, I almost got away with it. I was out and free for a really long time; even though I heard them talking about finding me – I have learned to understand some human-speak – I just couldn't give up that easily. I kept running and running. I had never been outside of the cage before. Everything was new. The smells were different, the ground felt better than anything I'd ever walked on before. It felt different than the clear forcefield they put me in. It was cooler, grittier.

The wood chips and paper smells were long behind me. They didn't even stay in my fur anymore. The air was different here. It was full of new scents that I had never smelled through my ball. I didn't even know what to call these smells. There were hints of each of the humans that lived with me, but none of the honey or seed smells of my cage. The smell of a human got more overpowering as they got closer to me.

I heard them moving around. I couldn't just let them see me running freely. I found little spaces that the humans probably didn't even know were there. I didn't even know where I was going, but I knew that I was on my way to saving the hamsters. One of the humans came close to finding me when I ran between some giant tall things. I couldn't believe they didn't see me. They were so close to me. I could feel the ground shaking violently beneath me. I couldn't move. They would find me here and I didn't want that.

When they walked away, I knew I had to move from where I was. The only place to go had nowhere to hide. It was all open space. I decided to go for it anyway. The humans caught me when I tried to make a dash across this open area. Suddenly, the ground was moving beneath me. There wasn't anywhere to go. This ground smelled like a human and it was squishy. I was being taken somewhere. I felt the downward movement and tried to keep the wood smell out of my nose, but it was useless. Now that I was back in my cage, I sulked, while searching for my next plan to escape. I had tasted freedom, I tell you, freedom! Nothing had ever been so promising.

I cannot live with these humans any longer. I wish to be a wild hamster like the ones I had been told about from the others. I wanted to be running around freely without the ball. I want to save hamster kind from being confined to these cages and running in a wheel going nowhere.

With this last escape attempt fresh in my mind, I got on my squeaky wheel and started to plot my next escape. Maybe there is a slower, sneakier, better way to get out of here. If only I could get up to the top of this cage. The roof should be easy to bite through, but I can't get up there. Not unless I can climb my water bottle...

One of the humans was in the room now, though. I could feel them moving around. This will have to wait until later when they leave. I can't let them know what I'm up to. I ran on my wheel until I was no longer amused by it, then I went to sleep.

I wanted to move my log over next to my water bottle. This is hard work, I wish that I could have my minions already so that I could get them to do it for me. I got the log in just the right position for me to be able to climb up on the ledge and then onto the wire above it. I could almost reach the top of the cage. Just a little bit higher...I got my other back leg on to the water bottle and I could stretch to reach the top now. Almost there, almost there...I felt myself leaning backwards. My back paws left the cold metal. I landed on the wood chips below me and flipped myself over. It was time for take two.

Eventually, I made my way up the water bottle once more. I started to cautiously nibble on the wire, just to see what it was like. It was tougher than I thought, but I refused to give up on it. This has to be my way out. It's a good thing that us hamsters have sharp, strong teeth or this would be a pointless effort. I felt the first little wire break. I was getting somewhere, but this was going to take longer than I expected. World domination will have to wait. I will have to keep in mind that I should put the humans in wire cages.

I was so distracted by my thoughts, that I lost my balance and fell a second time. I was a bit shocked at how far down the ground actually was now. Hitting the wood chips, I felt pain throughout my body, but then it subsided. I was okay. I shook myself off and cleaned the wood chips out of my fur. Time to climb the water bottle and keep chewing through the wire. I could not give up on this effort.

I heard their voices. Maybe my chewing wasn't as subtle as I thought it would be. The humans were talking about the dents and the small hole in the wire. The rest I couldn't understand. Then the noise of the roof being lifted with that screechy banging noise it makes came. They were ruining my whole night's work! I looked up at the human who had moved and rotated the lid. I'd have to start all over again. I moved my head towards them, trying to look angry. They must have thought that meant it was okay to reach in and pick me up. I guess humans don't understand what a grumpy hamster looks like.

Even in my groggy state of mind, I saw this as a new opportunity to escape. When the human had me in their hands, I bit them. I bit them a little harder than I had planned. Us hamsters don't have the best self-control. I tasted something a little salty, but also a little like the metal I had been gnawing through all night. The human jumped, just as I had expected, and I flew out of their hands.

That was my worst fear; being completely forgotten about as I flew through the air. I had no control anymore. I only hoped that I would land safely. Overlord Ham Ham could not be defeated like this. I hit the ground with a thud. It hurt much more than slipping off of the water bottle. I couldn't move. What was I going to do? I frantically tried moving everything.

Finally. A twitch in my legs. I made a swift movement to flip over onto my paws. I had to run.

The human was so distracted by me having bitten them that they didn't even try to look after me. I was free! Now time to find the other hamsters.

I still didn't know how to get out of this place. I was free from the one human, but there were more around here. I was certain.

Just as I was panicking about not being able to leave, another one of the humans opened up the wall. There was so much light. I was even more blind than usual. It looked like there was another human in the way of the light, but I had no time to waste. I had to get out of that place. I ran towards the light.

Once I was through the opening in the wall, everything changed. The smells there were even newer to me. There was something thinner about the way the air felt. It entered my nose with more ease than any air I had ever inhaled. I was still running. I couldn't let them catch me. Nobody would ever catch Overlord Ham Ham again.

I ran and I dodged anything in my path. I felt that I had lost the humans by now. The ground was completely different now. Around me were soft, slightly taller than me, plants. At least they smelled like plants. They smelled like the yellow and green fuzzy delicious food that the humans sometimes gave me. I think those came from here. I'd have to find some and store them in my cheek pouches and save them for my minions.

I was sure that the humans couldn't find me now. I left them too long ago. They would never think to look here anyway. It was time to go find minions to serve me. I will rule the humans.

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