Tinsel's Tale

January 4, 2011
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Toymaker On Top!

Tinsel Toymaker was an elf (still is but that’s not the point). Based on outward appearances he seemed like a perfectly normal North Pole resident. He had the same pointy ears, rosy cheeks, and vertical challenge just like every other elf in Santa’s workshop. Fortunately for you ( the person reading this story.. You know who you are) this is not a tale of how an individual is normally boring, but a tale of how Tinsel Toymaker’s extraordinary differences. You see, Tinsel Toymaker (despite his namesake) had absolutely no desire to make toys, frankly he didn’t even like Christmas very much. Tinsel longed for nothing more than to live his dream of showbiz. This is very unusual for an elf of the north pole, since the desire to make toys is believed to be genetic. His parents, his teachers, and even Mr. Clause himself tried their best to set him straight, but alas a true dream can never be destroyed, only delayed. After about 376 years of trying to learn to be like the other elves, Tinsel knew that he could delay no longer, he would make it big or die trying.

It was the big day. The day when Tinsel would finally take the leap of the metaphorical diving board of the north pole into the slightly chilly pool of Hollywood. Tinsel packed up his few belongings and mounted his trusty steed (polar bear for you human folk) and rode it all the way to Hollywood. Slowly, traveling across the ice cap and through Alaska he rode. As it turns out riding a polar bear through the set of an episode of Punk’d was a great way to jumpstart his way to fame and fortune ( it didn’t hurt that the polar bear ate Ashton Kutcher and at least one Jonas brother). Unwavering and bright, the spotlight shone on him. The paparazzi couldn’t click their shutter buttons fast enough( apparently one suffered a near fatal case of carpal tunnel).

He actually turned down his first movie deal. They wanted him to play as a Leprechaun which elves despise ( elves seem angelic, but they are kind of racist). The movie was Leprechaun: Deep Sea so it was probably for the best anyway. Rumor has it that he is currently filming for the lead row in Avatar 2: The Blue, The Bluer, and The Bluest.
Very few can escape the darker side of Hollywood, Tinsel was not one of them, sadly surely. At the height of his career he got put in Rehab. He was in and out of Rehab and jail, (where he got a candy cane tattoo). Some good did come out of the experience though, while in jail he met Lindsey Lohan ( whom he latter married). Like all Hollywood hotshots he had a great downfall, and an even bigger comeback. All the papers headlined, Toymaker On Top! He was sensational, he even got to tell some pretty offense Leprechaun jokes on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Soon after, while speaking at a Toys for Tots fundraiser, a Leprechaun by the name of Lucky “four leaf” Cloverston attempted to assassinate Tinsel with a Dragonov sniper rifle while Tinsel was halfway into a promising joke about a how a Leprechaun and a Yeti walk into a bar. Two shots were fired, instantly. The first one missed while the second took the tip of Tinsel’s right ear. No one got to hear the end of the potentially legendary joke because he and Lindsey Lohan went to the North Pole to live out the rest of their lives.

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