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The Rise of Zarkoff
T’was a day in Venice when Chuck was at a coffee shop. A waiter took his order. “Posso prendere il tuo ordine?”, the waiter asked. Chuck waited and thought for a moment. When the moment passed Chuck quickly grabbed Giovanni’s (the waiter’s) pen, and pinned his head to the table by his tongue. Chuck followed through by throwing stale bread at him while screaming “Bombardment!” Chuck then heard a few Italian words that need no translation, and he was chased out of the feeble coffee shop.
As Chuck was running from an angry mob he spotted the newly crowned Russian Czar, Vladimir ZarKoff, giving a speech. His plans for global conquest were being put into place. He had planned to unite Europe and Asia to create an ultimate empire. People cheered for him and pleaded him to reveal more of his diabolical plan, however, he wouldn’t reveal his secrets.
“…as you may know, most of my organization has destroyed most of our weapons. However, my counselors persuaded me to stockpile storage units of technologically superior weapons in very strategic locations around the globe. I confess I did this against my own will, and my optimistic and overly positive view of goodness in mankind was temporarily not present.
“I am grateful though that somehow I allowed myself to be persuaded to keep these weapons at the ready. In my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined that I would have to make the decision to turn power such as this to enemies on such a broad scale. By now you must know that two former members of my organization, Eurasian Community One, have unfortunately acted in a rebellion against my power. They carelessly allowed nearby militia forces to do the same. These forces were led by Harold Fitzhugh, who was trained by the American militia, and also stored illegal weapons from the United States, Great Britain, and the formerly sovereign country of Egypt.”
However may I reassure you all, for I have all of this under my control, and you people will not be disappointed.”
Now Chuck was currently on a “T.G.B.I.F.L.I.T.N.A.C.D.A.I.” (Tour of the Globe Because I Feel Like It and There‘s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It.) and his next stop was coincidentally Russia. He planned to meet ZarKoff for himself because, as we all should know, Chuck has “connections.”
Chuck was walking through the Russian streets, unaware he was being watched by a peculiar subject, The Alligator Man! The reptile sprung from his perch high above the streets and landed in front of Chuck. Anger bubbled in his beady eyes, and just as he was about to pounce, a stampede of cattle passed by and crushed every bone in his frail alligator-like body. Chuck shrugged, continued walking, found a cab, and got in. The driver was The Alligator Man! He held Chuck at gunpoint and drove toward ZarKoff’s mansion. At a certain angle, the stairs are painted in such a way that you can see the Russian’s face on them.
The Alligator Man pulled into ZarKoff’s parking lot, parked, got out, pulled a tree branch and an underground tunnel appeared next to the two. They drove down, saying nothing the entire way. Keep in mind that Chuck’s captor is an alligator in a business suit. The cab passed huge machines with many intricate designs, buttons, and levers. It was all Greek to Chuck, especially because he had just been captured by and alligator. The Cab slowed to a stop, The reptile pulled a burlap sack out of the trunk with the letters “S.P.” printed on it. Chuck’s captor signaled for him to get out of the cab. Chuck did as he was told, he began hearing screams of terror and a chainsaw-like noise in the distance. Although Chuck didn’t know it, he was in the secret canoe making facility of Vladimir ZarKoff. Chuck then saw a sign that said “Welcome to the Secret Underground Canoe Making Factory of Vladimir ZarKoff (shhhhh don’t tell!)”.
The Alligator Man emptied the sack, and out popped Chuck’s longtime companion, and friend, Slippery Pete. “Howdy Chuck, ain’t this modern hotel nice!” Pete exclaimed.
“Uhh Slips, this is a human canoe making plant, not a hotel,” Chuck explained. Silence. Then Slippery Pete silently mumbled the phrase, “Oh.”
The six captives there at the plant were instructed to look up at a huge television screen, on which appeared ZarKoff’s face.
“Greetings,” he said. “As you all know, I am General, Vladimir ZarKoff, the Second, Esquire. Today will be your last day here on this Earth for you all will be skinned, and carved, into canoes for my extensive canoe archive. Now some of you may think this is ‘sick’, or ‘inhumane’, or even,” he made an odd looking, stereotypical face, “Totallaaaaay nooot coooool dude! Ahem! However, I digress. It is an honor to become such a fascinating piece of art. Plus, I could care less. HAHAHAHAHA! Ahem!
“Now if you would all look to the second screen on my left, because all lefts are mine, you’ll see innocent people, just like yourselves being prepared to be ‘CANOED!’ That’s a little word I made up for this monumental event. Now if you are making plans to escape, DON’T! It is fruitless to attempt such a daring feat, for when we find you, I will personally strap you down, surgically open you up, and have a nice long look at you until you die. Keep in mind there will be organs being poked at. Then you will be ‘CANOED!’”
“THAT’S SICK!” Screamed Chuck
“I’m sorry sir but you have no say in what goes on today. For my organization and I have been planning this all along. You people are so stupid, believing in me, trusting me. HA! You imbeciles should’ve seen it coming. But, being imbeciles, DIDN’T! HAHAHAHAHA!”
The screen blinked off, and simultaneously, the floor began to descend. Their feet were then securely strapped down. It looked as if Chuck had no hope left. He’d be gone, canned, canoed, and stories would need a different character instead! The floor stopped, and the guards gave the six their last meal, melted butter and a fork.
The floor continued down, the screams of terror were getting louder, and then…they saw it. Made by the brand “Canoes4U” and with spinning blades the size of industrial grade fans, it was the mighty “Carve Master 2.5” The guards demonstrated its power by throwing (yes throwing) a full size Prius into the machine. In ten seconds flat, a fuel efficient canoe popped out. The four other captives were first. Chuck and Pete couldn’t watch. Chuck was next, it seemed as if all hope was lost, but Pete stepped up saying “No, let me go first.”
“Thanks,” chuck said.
“Chuck,” Pete whispered, “Ima gonna make a distraction fer ya, you git out o’ here through the secret exit.”
“What secret exit?”
“The one that’s next t’ the door we came in wit. DUH!” Pete screamed. The guards gave Pete a funny look. And continued preparing the machine for Slippery Pete. Chuck was about to thank the brave hero when he pulled out his fork and screamed “RUN!”
Chuck sprinted as fast as he could for the exit, somehow the guards were too focused on calming Pete that they missed him. When Chuck was about to leave, he looked back at Pete who was stabbing himself with the fork while yelling “LET’S SEE YOU MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME NOW, FOOLS!” Chuck gave him an honorary salute, and left him.
Chuck finally reached daylight, ran to the parking lot, and stole the Alligator Man’s car as he was having a cigarette. Chuck looked in the glove compartment to check for any “bugs”. In it was a small, but powerful grenade that was about the size of an “M n M”. Chuck grabbed it and went inside to finally meet ZarKoff.
Chuck was inside the mansion, shaking hands with the tyrant. “Would you like some candy?” Chuck asked.
“Sure! Thank you.” ZarKoff said.
Chuck then handed over his handful of “M n Ms” and the small grenade. He excused himself, and got out as fast as humanly possible.
He heard the explosion, but Chuck dared not to look back. If he did, he would most likely be hit with flying shrapnel. He got back in the cab, the Alligator Man was in the passenger seat.
“We hath thum unthinitht bithinith to take care oth.” His lisp was very obvious. The reptile reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pen, covered with dried blood. At that moment Chuck realized the truth and ran. It was Giovanni.