I was walking through the park one night when I heard someone scream. At first I just thought it was because something had startled her. Most likely it was the thunder that did it. But as I drew closer I saw what was not water but instead blood surrounding her in a deep dark pool. I didn’t know what to do. I had no home, no parents, I had nothing. Being only 13 I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone I trusted because there was no one there for me ever. I knew I had to tell someone but who? I just ran. Didn’t know where I was going nor did I care. I found myself at the steps of the police station. I figured since I was already there I had to say something. I gathered up all the strength I had and walked in. The officer told me to take a seat and he’d be with me in a minute. The expression I shone must have told him something was wrong because he came right over to me and left his work. I told him every detail. He looked surprised. Like he didn’t believe me. Maybe he thought I was crazy. We sat there for what seemed like forever. Finally he spoke. He asked me if this was all a joke. I didn’t believe him. Did he actually think I would lie about someone being murdered? What was wrong with him? I finally convinced him that I was being for real. So he called in the rest of the officers to go and investigate. Once we got there he told me to lead the way. So I did. Something was wrong. Her body was missing. The only thing that remained was the pool of blood. You could barely see it though because the rain was pouring down. Once again I took off running. I might have made it about 20 yards before a man grabbed my arm and pulled me behind the shadows of the tree where I couldn’t see his face. He got right in my face and started whispering in what sounded like hissing. He told me if I said anything more to anyone I would be next. After that he threw me to the ground and took off at a dead sprint. Of course the officer showed up to late. But then again they always do. He helped me off the ground asked me what happened and why I had run. Of course I lied. I told him I had tripped. As soon as he let go of my arm I made an attempt to walk but I couldn’t. There was just this stabbing pain that came from nowhere. I collapsed to the cold muddy ground from the pain. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I took a look at my leg and found that it was covered in blood. It stung immensely with pain. So bad that I blacked out. Next thing I knew I was laying in a hospital with an officer standing at the door. He didn’t come in though. As soon as he saw me looking at him he walked away. The nurse then came in. She asked if I would be willing to so talk with the officers. I said of course. Why wouldn’t I. So she helped me up. She offered to get me a wheelchair but I refused it. I told her I couldn’t lose any of the little pride I had inside me. She got crutches for me instead and led me to where I would later confess it all. Of course at the time I didn’t know that. As I told them what had happened they gave me strange looks as if to say I had no clue what I was talking about. So they explained to me what the evidence was so far proving. They said I was the one that had committed murder. I didn’t believe them. I mean how could I believe that what they told me was true. They framed me. Soon after that I realized that maybe they got me confused with someone else and this was all a mistake. As they escorted me back to my room I felt the stares of a thousand eyes. Tears started streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop them. What else was I supposed to do? I had nowhere or no one to run to. As the days passed I soon found myself locked in a cold heartless cage. My trial was coming up soon and I kept telling myself that I was innocent. The day of my trial was finally here and as I was led to where I would soon be convicted of murder, I felt the stares of a thousand eyes yet again. I was angry. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t belong here. Everyone was crazy and this was all just a mistake. As my trial pressed on, they were showing evidence that I had done it. They were convincing the judge. But how could he believe them. I mean come on me murder someone. It was ridiculous. They said that because of my state of mind I wouldn’t realize that I did in fact do it. They said what I had was, a split personality. And because of that I wouldn’t remember if I had murdered someone. I guess after I started listening to their reasoning, I realized that it was a possibility that I had done it because I have had moments where I don’t remember things and it’s just black. But still how had I done it? Finally the judge convicted me of murder but I would be released in 10-15 years. The officer that had been there for my trial then led me back to the police car and drove to a correctional facility. Now I sit in this heartless cage all alone with no one to talk to. The days have passed by so fast and I’ve been here for almost 2 years. Still I look back on that fatal day when I found her body there and was later caught. I remember what I felt as I was convicted and I’ve figured out with the help of the prison psychiatrist, that what I did that night was all because of my own self un-happiness. I did it to try to get back at the world because of what it was making me go through. I can’t believe that I could ever look back at that tragic event and feel so hurt and destroyed. Right now all I want is to be normal and not be treated like some psychopath. But right now I have to keep my sanity because if I can prove to them that my state of mind has turned around I might get released early. Tomorrow I go in for my evaluation to see if I can get released on parole. I hope I pass I’ve been in here for 10 years. If I only I can pass. Today is the day. I will pass. Well hopefully I do anyway. In 3 days I am released! I can’t wait. But then again when I get released I have nowhere or no one to go to. The one thing I can say about this place is at least I have someone to talk to even if it is the psychiatrist. Although I’ve become quite accustomed to the echoing silence, I need to get out. I need to run. I need to be…be free. Well only 1 more day. In my mind I want to get revenge. I want to hurt them like they hurt me. But how? The only thing that comes to mind is to kill them. But I can’t. Oh who cares they hurt me so why can’t I hurt them. Seems fair. But now I have an advantage on my hands. I’m nearly 6 ½ feet tall. That will help extremely. I am free!!! But now I as I walk back to where it all started and I realize that nothing has really changed in 11 years. I can still feel the blood covering my hands. Brings back so many dark and painful memories. As I am planning my revengeful murder I start to wonder if I’ll get away with it. Of course I will what am I thinking. Night has fallen. As I’m preparing the knife I will be using, I catch a glimpse of the moon reflect off it. I start to wonder if I really want to go through with this. I have to. NO!! I cant do this even if these are the people who hurt me. Tears start running down my face. I know I cant do this. I drop to my knees. I pray I’ll make the right decision. I pray god will forgive me. As I spend the next few minutes down here on my knees, millions of thoughts start fluttering through my mind. Wondering if I can get my life back. Wondering if I can learn from my past. I draw back to my feet and drop the knife. I turn and walk away. I walk away from my past. I walk away from my own self pity. But most of all I walk away from myself.
June 3, 2008