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Hidden in this city

Prologue:
Sweat formed little rivers on my face which joined at my chin and slowly dripped off. I wiped my hand across my face. My eyes sweep the area and come up with nothing. Still, I hesitate because I know they can practically materialize out of thin air. That’s how good they are.
I close my eyes and clench my fists tight, trying to visualize every detail along the street from my standing point to the door in which I’m going.
Finally, I take a deep breath and dart out from my hiding place. The moon illuminates my path so I can see clearly. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see rodents scurrying away from the sudden noise my boots are making.
Contrasting from the bright lights and friendly noises of Easthampton, Northampton is filled with ominous noises and streetlamps that cast an eerie glow over the road.
But I wasn’t intimidated by the threats of Easthampton because I was much more focused on a more immediate and dangerous threat.
I wove my way through the twisting street, swerving to avoid bumps and jumping over obstacles. Mentally, I counted down the remaining blocks till I reached my destination: 5…4….3….2. I made the last turn and allowed myself a little hope.
I sprinted on the last stretch. 7469 w. Tempest. That was the address I was looking for. I searched for exactly 20 seconds before I located the little house and knocked on the door. The door yielded under my touch so I cautiously stepped inside.
“Johnny?”
All the lights were off as usual so I casually flipped on a switch. The lights flickered before bursting to life. That’s when I saw it. I knew better than to scream; that would only succeed in alerting them of my presence. But I couldn’t help the small intake of breath when I saw Johnny’s body. Unconscious on the ground.




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This article has 8 comments. Post your own!

Kathy T. said...
Nov. 12, 2010 at 11:07 am:

Good stuff: Interesting plot, nice word choice, and varied sentence structure.

Stuff to improve: Try not to switch tenses, and the last few sentences are confusing. If you turn on the lights, wouldn't that alert "them?" 

Overall: pretty good!

 
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Still_Waters26 said...
Oct. 1, 2010 at 10:31 pm:
Love it, very good and enthralling!!  One thing I'd change is to add more detail.  Like what time of day is it exactly?  What bumps or obstacles are on the street?  More details will give the reader a sharper and clearer picture.
 
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80smusicfanatic said...
Oct. 1, 2010 at 5:27 pm:

Really good story! Maybe you need to make your sentences flow a little more, but overall, this is an awesome suspense prologue! Maybe if you have time, you can read and comment on my story, My Monsters.

Thanks :)

 
living4God replied...
Oct. 1, 2010 at 8:46 pm :
yeah, i realize what you mean about my sentences not flowing :/ thanks for commenting and i will read yours!
 
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apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 7:44 pm:
Muy bien! Everything AsIAm said, except for the capitalizing of They. I'd italicize it if you felt you had to. One sentence I thought should be revised: "...that would only succeed in alterting them of my presence." Why can't it just alert them? "succeed in alerting them" is longer and a little less efficient. Also I believe the expression is "alert them to my presence." Btw, I really liked the way you did the last 2 sentences. Stopping the sentence after "Johnny's body" makes you th... (more »)
 
living4God replied...
Oct. 1, 2010 at 8:45 pm :
thanks for commenting! i did try to italicize it but it didn't work when i posted the story :/ and yeah i see how that sentence could be rewritten, i need to do some editing. Thanks so much for your comment!
 
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AsIAmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 6:43 pm:

The Good: This has the makings of a great thriller!  It gave me chills.  Good job!

The Bad: Try to show rather than tell, and also work on your grammar. :)

The Random:  If I were you, I would capitalize They, to make it seem like you are referring to something well-known and powerful, you just are afraid to speak the name.  But that's just me and my flair for the dramatic. :)

J7X

 
living4God replied...
Oct. 1, 2010 at 8:44 pm :
 first:thanks for reading my article! :) second:what exactly do you mean when you say show rather than tell? third: i tried italisizing it but it didnt work so i think i'm going to capitalize it, thanks!
 
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