Hidden in this city

September 25, 2010
By living4God BRONZE, Matthews, North Carolina
living4God BRONZE, Matthews, North Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Be content with God but discontent with how you serve God.'

Courage isn't the absense of fear, it's the ability to do what you have to do in spite of it


Prologue:
Sweat formed little rivers on my face which joined at my chin and slowly dripped off. I wiped my hand across my face. My eyes sweep the area and come up with nothing. Still, I hesitate because I know they can practically materialize out of thin air. That’s how good they are.
I close my eyes and clench my fists tight, trying to visualize every detail along the street from my standing point to the door in which I’m going.
Finally, I take a deep breath and dart out from my hiding place. The moon illuminates my path so I can see clearly. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see rodents scurrying away from the sudden noise my boots are making.
Contrasting from the bright lights and friendly noises of Easthampton, Northampton is filled with ominous noises and streetlamps that cast an eerie glow over the road.
But I wasn’t intimidated by the threats of Easthampton because I was much more focused on a more immediate and dangerous threat.
I wove my way through the twisting street, swerving to avoid bumps and jumping over obstacles. Mentally, I counted down the remaining blocks till I reached my destination: 5…4….3….2. I made the last turn and allowed myself a little hope.
I sprinted on the last stretch. 7469 w. Tempest. That was the address I was looking for. I searched for exactly 20 seconds before I located the little house and knocked on the door. The door yielded under my touch so I cautiously stepped inside.
“Johnny?”
All the lights were off as usual so I casually flipped on a switch. The lights flickered before bursting to life. That’s when I saw it. I knew better than to scream; that would only succeed in alerting them of my presence. But I couldn’t help the small intake of breath when I saw Johnny’s body. Unconscious on the ground.



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This article has 8 comments.


on Nov. 12 2010 at 11:07 am
36Black52White SILVER, Park City, Utah
8 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Practice like you are the worst, perform like you are the best."

Good stuff: Interesting plot, nice word choice, and varied sentence structure.

Stuff to improve: Try not to switch tenses, and the last few sentences are confusing. If you turn on the lights, wouldn't that alert "them?" 

Overall: pretty good!


on Oct. 1 2010 at 10:31 pm
Still_Waters26 SILVER, Ladysmith, Wisconsin
6 articles 0 photos 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We few, we happy few/we band of brothers/For he to-day that sheds his blood with me/Shall be my brother"
-Shakespeare, "Henry V"

Love it, very good and enthralling!!  One thing I'd change is to add more detail.  Like what time of day is it exactly?  What bumps or obstacles are on the street?  More details will give the reader a sharper and clearer picture.

on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:46 pm
living4God BRONZE, Matthews, North Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Be content with God but discontent with how you serve God.'

Courage isn't the absense of fear, it's the ability to do what you have to do in spite of it

yeah, i realize what you mean about my sentences not flowing :/ thanks for commenting and i will read yours!

on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:45 pm
living4God BRONZE, Matthews, North Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Be content with God but discontent with how you serve God.'

Courage isn't the absense of fear, it's the ability to do what you have to do in spite of it

thanks for commenting! i did try to italicize it but it didn't work when i posted the story :/ and yeah i see how that sentence could be rewritten, i need to do some editing. Thanks so much for your comment!

on Oct. 1 2010 at 8:44 pm
living4God BRONZE, Matthews, North Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Be content with God but discontent with how you serve God.'

Courage isn't the absense of fear, it's the ability to do what you have to do in spite of it

 first:thanks for reading my article! :) second:what exactly do you mean when you say show rather than tell? third: i tried italisizing it but it didnt work so i think i'm going to capitalize it, thanks!

on Oct. 1 2010 at 5:27 pm
fandoms_for_life SILVER, Germantown, Maryland
8 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Really good story! Maybe you need to make your sentences flow a little more, but overall, this is an awesome suspense prologue! Maybe if you have time, you can read and comment on my story, My Monsters.

Thanks :)


on Sep. 30 2010 at 7:44 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Muy bien! Everything AsIAm said, except for the capitalizing of They. I'd italicize it if you felt you had to. One sentence I thought should be revised: "...that would only succeed in alterting them of my presence." Why can't it just alert them? "succeed in alerting them" is longer and a little less efficient. Also I believe the expression is "alert them to my presence." Btw, I really liked the way you did the last 2 sentences. Stopping the sentence after "Johnny's body" makes you think he's dead, but then "Unconscious on the ground" makes you relieved he's alive, and also anxious to see what happens next and how they get out of the situation. :) I'll check back in a little while to see if you have more. Good job!

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 30 2010 at 6:43 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The Good: This has the makings of a great thriller!  It gave me chills.  Good job!

The Bad: Try to show rather than tell, and also work on your grammar. :)

The Random:  If I were you, I would capitalize They, to make it seem like you are referring to something well-known and powerful, you just are afraid to speak the name.  But that's just me and my flair for the dramatic. :)

J7X



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