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Disastrous Calamities (First Draft) - Ch1: The Accident

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Zooming along the countryside, there was a pitter patter on the window of the tram. Would a small rain slow the tram down the least bit? I don’t think so, but why would it?

Since my auntie lives in Prague, my mum and pop decided to have us take a two day trek on tram from our cozy home in London, instead of taking the trek in our ’02, bright red Lamborghini.

The clouds glistened different colours of grey as fog slowly closed around the tram.

“The fog doesn’t usually make a difference, does it?” I asked my mum, nervous and afraid. Just finishing my needle point piece, I decided to put my bleached, blonde hair in a bun.

Sensing my nervousness, my mum replied, “Never so often,” which basically means no. But why would the fog make a difference anyway?

The rain picked up in a matter of five minutes, but the tram didn’t slow down at all. Ca boom! Flash, flash, thunder and lightning! Oh joy! The lights in the tram started flickering when the hair on my pale arms stood up and chills went down my spine. I absolutely hate storms, rain and thunder. I have a phobia to that kind of stuff.

I got up to pull a book out of my mahogany red, leather trunk when the train started swaying back and forth. Flash, flash, ca boom, flicker flicker, more and more of the things I hate. I had a feeling something would go seriously wrong.

***

The thing is that I always feel trouble before it comes. Like that shop in Paris. I sensed something bad was going to go completely wrong, and the building blew up. This time though, it was worse than the shop. I got a gut wrenching feeling that worked all over. It started in my stomach and spread to my arms, legs and then my mind. I immediately knew something bad would happen, even though I am only eight. I got a vision this time, which is not very usual. In fact, a vision has never come to me before in a situation like this. The vision showed something very bad happening.
The weather got worse and the tram was rocking more and more. Ironically, the tram went faster and faster the more it swayed and the worse the weather got.

I finally asked my mum and pop, “Will the tram get any worse?”

My mum and pop answered the same thing, “I don’t know honey,”

My mum added on, “Hopefully not much,”

We had to scream to each other just to be heard over the rain. The wind was screeching and could be heard through the windows. Then a screech louder than the wind occurred. The tram had rocked too far to the left and the tram driver had tried to slam down on the brake. This had made the situation worse. Instead of just flipping on its side, the tram flipped completely over.

In the tram car I was in, there was only two other people, my mum and pop. As the tram flipped, my mum, my pop, my belongings not in my trunk, and I flipped as well.

Then is when everyone else noticed the being that was occurring. The jewelry on my mum’s wrist suddenly flew off. What I didn’t know then was that that would be the last of her. I never looked like my mum or my pop. They had both had ginger hair and hazel eyes, while I had bleached blonde hair and bright, blue-grey eyes.

The entire train had lost all electricity; hence, it was completely dark in our tram car. I don’t know why, but at that moment, I flipped out. What had happened this afternoon was simply too much. I went into a shock much worse than anaphylactic shock, except for the fact that I didn’t start hyperventilating. I felt all dizzy, and I felt like I was going to puke, when all of a sudden the glass in the windows went slightly wrong.

Crash! Crack! Then, the dark went to light. I didn’t know what had happened, just that now I was bleeding. At that moment, I figured out that that the glass had broke either from the vibrations caused by the train turning, or from someone trying to rescue us. But, if someone were trying to rescue us, they could just take the window out of its frame. Perhaps it isn’t that easy. The glass shattering though had brought on something worse.

“Sweetie,” my mom had whispered, losing her breath by the second, “I love you! Please take care of everything for me,” At this point, I was having a mental breakdown. My pop was unconscious and my mum was severely hurt, losing life and energy very, very quickly. At this time, I panicked, for the sake of me, my parents, and the fate of this day.



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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

wild-free said...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:31 am
I really enjoyed this plot line. It was very interesting! I found quite a few grammar mistakes/repetitions such as others have mentioned, but overall I think this piece has a lot of potential. The dialogue is spot-on and very realistic and I like how there are a lot of unanswered questions that keep the reader wanting more. Just fix those mistakes and this will be a nicely written piece. Great job!
 
abster55 replied...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:33 am
Thanks for all your feedback everyone!! I think I got the point that I need to fix grammar errors, but thank you for telling me! 
 
A.Dreamer said...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 9:26 am
I liked this a lot! :) I think if you fixed up the grammar errors, and stopped repeating some words, this piece definitely has potential to be something great! I loved the main character, you could feel what she was feeling so well!
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 10:29 am
I loved the way you made the character and how she was so real. I mean, it's fiction, but she could definitely be a real person!
 
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 5, 2010 at 9:48 am
This was a very well-written piece.  It's interesting, and catching, making you want to read more.  There is word repetition, and some grammar mistakes, but over all a good plot line.
 
JohnWallOfTheWizards said...
Aug. 5, 2010 at 12:32 am
The dialouge was realistic I like it. description is a little lacking a little more and you'll be perfecft. and whho drives a lamborghinni in the country side anyway. Love the piece look forward to more
 
sleeplessdreamer said...
Jul. 26, 2010 at 10:36 am

Ok, I like for people to be honest when they comment on my work, so I figure I will extend the same courtesy to you. (I know, just what you want to hear, right?)

This could use some work. For one, you tend to repeat words over and over "my mum" "my pop" "tram" or "ca boom!" Find something new to describe these things. Or even better,  use pronouns!!! A lot of the times you didn't even have to give these words as a whole, you could have just used them as antecedents.

Questio... (more »)

 
abster55 replied...
Jul. 26, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Thank you for truthfully commenting on my work!! I appreciate it SOOO much!!
 
mudpuppy replied...
Aug. 4, 2010 at 8:58 pm
You did a really good job with the accents! Ex. tram.
 
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