I am no taller than five feet and three inches tall. I am ridiculously rich because I own Burger King. I am notably one of the scummiest people on planet Earth. I am…Jungle Joe. I, Jungle Joe, live in the dense African jungle below the leafy canopy that covers the top of the jungle. I fearlessly fight off jungle predators daily, and nightly I wake up to find myself covered in giant poisonous spiders. I, Jungle Joe, live off a diet of nothing but tree bark and bugs, while occasionally drinking some dirty water contaminated with various bacteria and diseases. The only shelter that I have is a small tree house made of sticks and plants from the jungle. One day, Jungle Scatchy Boy invaded my tree house and started eating all my jungle food while I, Jungle Joe, was out hunting dangerous animals. However, I, Jungle Joe, used my spider-sense to detect the massive intrusion and quickly ran back to my tree house. Upon arrival, Jungle Scatchy Boy was stuffing his face with my jungle food. Not being the violent type, I, Jungle Joe, offered Jungle Scatchy Boy a twenty dollar gift card to Burger King if he would stop eating my food and leave my tree house. Being the grump that he is, Jungle Scatchy Boy responded by punching me square in the face, forcefully taking the twenty dollar gift card from me, and leaving. I now have a lock on my tree house door, and to this day no human being has ever gotten past the lock and stolen my food.
May 18, 2010