Report: Student Suffers Emotional Breakdown Following Discovery of Withered Crops

February 28, 2010
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Lake Forest – Students were given the day off following the emotional breakdown of Jack Green today at Lake Forest High School.

“It was the worst I have ever seen,” remarked Casey Boreman, the school’s psychologist. “We’ve set up a hotline for the other students who might have been traumatized by this event.”

Around 10:19 this morning, Green was reported to have received a text message from a friend, revealing that his Artichokes had withered.

“He was on edge this morning, you know, as soon as I walked in the door,” senior Grace Lowell recalled. “He was pacing around the classroom, saying that his Artichokes were at 99% when he left for school this morning. In his defense, Artichokes take four days to harvest. I feel for him.”

Upon reading the text message, eyewitnesses claim that Green yelled ‘No’ loudly, numerous times. He then took the microscope sitting on his lab table and began to smash his cellular phone as neighboring students looked on, horrified.

“Mrs. Barron rushed over to find out what was going on,” says Mack Freedman, Green’s lab partner. “He put the microscope back on the table and lay down on the ground, curling into the fetal position. I believe he then said something, like, ‘I knew I should not have come to school today. I needed the artichokes to advance to level 8.’”

Mrs. Barron tried to console the grief stricken Jack Green, but was unsuccessful. Green began to cry, and then threatened to “find that b******-farmville-motherf******-creator,” and then “inundate his house with dead artichokes.” Following the outbreak, Chelsea Weinner ran over and punched the emergency button and Mrs. Barron summoned the office to send the school’s psychologist.

“You always prepare for the worst-case scenarios,” says Boreman. “But this one took me by total surprise.”

Farmville – the highly addictive simulated farming game, on the popular social-networking site Facebook – has baffled mental health experts all over the country. “We’ve simply never studied the effects of Farmville,” said Associate Professor Barry Kaufman of the Addiction center at the Fienberg School of Medicine, Northwestern University. “We are not prepared to handle addictions of that nature, currently. Last year we were overcome by Barack Obama addictions. We found countless numbers of people who were repeating campaign slogans. God, if I had one more patient tell me about ‘change I can believe in,’ I would have kicked their f****** a**.”

With concern for the wellness of the students, Lake Forest High School dismissed class for the remainder of the day and issued a statement:

“Due to an incident concerning a Lake Forest High School student, the school will be closed for the day. Classes will reconvene tomorrow at the normal time.”

An administrator at the school has commented on the issue, saying “We held an emergency meeting following the incident and have reached the conclusion that computers will be made available for students to check on their crops throughout the day.”

“It’s a relief,” added Boreman. “The only way to prevent future breakdowns, such as Jack’s, comes from an increased understanding of the withering process. I definitely think that the installation of computers, specifically for Farmville, gives us hope. But, I would encourage those who have been affected by this incident to talk to our guidance counselors. We are doing our best to cope with the situation.”

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