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FORSAKEN

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Plastered against my palm was the damp, rough-edged wall when I walked along the guided path of darkness. There wasn’t the faintest hint of light, or the slightest wheeze of outside air. There was just the narrow pathway that went straight, down, toward . . . something. I felt something. A squeeze in my heart, and a sudden fist of panic that clenched in my stomach. It was different. A longing; a kind of sadness that came out from nowhere, held me. Stayed there.

I told myself to stop. Even ordered myself. But it was useless against the primal urge to move forward, just forward . . . and find that something. Curiosity, I thought, just a healthy dose of curiosity. But I knew it was much more, much greater; it was knowledge. Somehow I had a feeling of this familiarity, of such knowing, like I perfectly knew what lay ahead the path. Just a hunch of feeling.

But I’d forgotten. Buried it into deep oblivion that somehow managed to prick at some dormant part of my brain. And as a result, always gave me that nagging feeling that I had forgotten something so important, so vital and so much a part of me.

But what was it?

No matter how much I searched my memories there was nothing to find. But I knew. Oh I knew. There was something.

I just had to find it.

So I trudged down the darkened pathway, moving as though a thief in quiet night, panther-like. Nervous and clammy. A sharp edge in the wall cut the soft flesh of my palm, a small slash, and then there was the feeling of warm, thick liquid, flowed thinly and dropped to the ground. I heard the watery thud of it. Then all abruptly changed.

Suddenly the blackness was replaced by a scarlet vision, clouding my eyes as though a translucent haze. And my head, that sickening emptiness that was taking over crept like a crawling fog, muddling my mind. Until there was nothing. Nothing at all.

But I saw fire lit the torches that lined the walls, hanging there and guiding me as I took drunken steps.

I was succumbing. Falling.

But I had to reach the end. Needed to see for myself whatever lay ahead.

Something was pulling me from inside, forcing me to be caged in that deep, dark lonely corner.

Watch. Just watch. I’ll take care of everything. The voice was deep, cold and deadly. And I heard something in his tone; desire, maybe? Like it wanted something. Needed something.

Go there inside. I’ll take care of you.

But I was tired to the bones, and my legs felt like jelly against the sturdy ground that I walked upon. My eyes were closing, slowly, slowly. Then I saw the light.

And in the light, showered by shimmering brilliance were a pool of redness and a scatter of death stench. I walked closer despite the heaviness I felt. Walked closer. And closer. Closer, still . . .

Then I saw.

And I knew she was dead.

Did you kill her?



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This article has 23 comments. Post your own now!

SonjaRenaeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Wow! I loved it!! Could you guys check out some of my articles? Ratings and comments are greatly appreciated, and I will return the favor! :)
 
emilybwrites said...
Aug. 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm
i really liked this! nicely done. please chceck out my poem "Forgotten Domain" and comment/rate :)
 
Kilikilakia2012 said...
Jul. 20, 2010 at 6:02 pm
I really liked that. I know I like people to tell me what they think I should change so I'm going to say, It could use a little bit more description on what is happening. I think you were trying to make it a little "mysterious" like but I think it might be a little too much. Other than that, I loved it!
 
Halfing_Scribe replied...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm
It could mean that something is whatching him
 
SecretSelf14 said...
May 30, 2010 at 2:39 pm

- wow this was very very good i wish my writing was As powerful as yours :]

 

 
JeanGrey said...
Mar. 9, 2010 at 2:17 pm
"or the slightest wheeze of outside air." Perhaps you meant breeze? Other than that amazing!
 
soccercrazy said...
Dec. 12, 2009 at 11:19 pm
man, you don't have any mistakes! you know how to put together a good story, end it with a cliffhanger, and practically have the readers jumping off the cliff to find the rest of the writing! good job. you'll go places if you keep this up.
 
massizme said...
Dec. 9, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I've said it before, ill say it again. its amazing. it flows. you know how to put the words together so they hold hands and sing a chorus song. i wish i had that ability.
 
Speedy88 said...
Nov. 20, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Wow.. I wish I could write like you. :) I'm a little to fast. This was well paced, and very... er, I don't know exactly what word I am looking for, but anywho, it was awesome... Oooh. Gave me shivers up my spine. :D What happened to girl is my question. ^^ Hope to here a lot more from ya.... God's given you a good gift of writing. Use it wsiely. ;)
 
reginalove said...
Oct. 30, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I love your writing style! It's so mature! you have raw talent for writnig. As a writer also, I like to use shorter sentences, fragments really to build suspense. I can't point out mistakes because it's your writning and your style is awesome! Keep up!
 
Anj16 said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Haha thank you. but can u point out the mistakes?
 
dandanDERP said...
Oct. 3, 2009 at 12:47 am
Very intense atmosphere and I really like the pacing.
Looking forward to more.
 
StinelliT replied...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I like how you asked some rethorical questions and used similies throughout your paper. The similies gave me a vivid picture in my head what you were experiencing. When you said "So I trudged down the darkened pathway, moving as though a thief in a quiet night, pathner-like" I knew what point you were trying to make and what you were experiencing and another great similie I liked was "I was tired to the bone, and my legfelt like jelly against the sturdy ground that I walked upon... (more »)
 
Anj16 replied...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Haha thank you. But can u point out the mistakes?
 
RiverAnn replied...
Dec. 12, 2009 at 11:13 am
there should be quotations marks around where the voice speaks. Other than that, what mistakes? It's amazing! I can't wait to read the whole thing!
 
Anj16 replied...
Dec. 13, 2009 at 10:48 am
i didn't put the quotation marks there because it was the voice speaking to his mind. (it was italicized when i turned this in but teenink doesn't do italicization apparently). Thanks tho!
 
tor10jax said...
Sept. 26, 2009 at 7:47 pm
It's too intense for me, too. I really REALLY want to know what happens next so you did a really good job leaving the reader wanting more. I'd just be worried that too much tension might scare the reader away. (that might just be me).
Keep writing!
 
iwantcoconow said...
Sept. 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
too inteinse for me
 
RobEJ said...
Sept. 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm
It is intriguing but it does need some editing, and make sure it reads a bit better. I want to hear more
 
Anj16 replied...
Sept. 25, 2009 at 4:16 pm
yeah I guess it does. But it really was my intention to set that pace. So some of the sentences is not really complete. Thanks for the comment though, I'll work on it.
 
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