I’ve always been someone else. I could be that concealed, dark-haired insecure teenager or I could be the queen of the world. I could be the world’s happiest sunlight or the CIA’s most wanted criminal. But what I always struggled to be, was myself.

If I could pinpoint the day I wanted to be anyone but myself, it would have to be the September morning I changed schools. As I entered a world completely different from the one I always knew, private school, the dingy desks and obvious hand-me-down school supplies of public school compelled my sudden epiphany. I could be the person I never was because I was no longer labeled the poor girl that everyone’s eyes skipped over. In fact, people were already staring at me.

It started as little lies that could never hurt, “I have way more jewelry at home,” and “I met the producer of that song, it was my friend’s Dad!” But is that not how all bad habits start?

As soon as I couldn’t deliver on the lies I made, I made new ones to cover. I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be, so I pretended. As they say, “Fake it ‘till you make it”. But every day I didn’t change, I resented my real self more and more. Eventually it all became too much.

My family never knew what happened, in fact no one really knows. This is the first time I have really admitted it or written out the words. Although no one knew, my parents realized I needed help and sent me to therapy. I worked on myself for a while and I would like to think that I was the one to fix my own ideals. I realize that I not only was the source of my own downfall and hatred but I also realized I was the key to my happiness.

I would like to think that with college I can learn to accomplish and become proud of the person I have become. I created my own identity crisis and I don’t feel sorry for the walls I put up for myself: they have helped in ways nothing else can. Although I feel I am so far from solving all my problems or becoming what I always wanted to be, I believe this is the direction I need to take to figure out who I really am. For someone who has always hated herself for just be her, I hope to finally find out who I am and how I can prove I’m really not all that bad.