One Path

September 30, 2011
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I’m thinking of some abstraction; a thought of an idea. A flurry of the days’ events begins flooding through my mind uncontrollably as I sink further in. It’s not too long before the primordial cup of the brain overflows, and all that’s left is an empty abysmal vat of space, ready to take any form of subconscious issues. Then, that thought returns to me…haunting me. They say to take the safest road. They say the only route to success is the one guaranteeing the best future. Well, they say many things.

I was never one that was particularly studious in an academic sense. That said however, you could say that I’m a workaholic when it comes to labor of love. At least that’s what I tell myself. Yet, I almost loathe the idea of contingent failure. Like a dog awaiting its call, that empty vat of space starts to materialize. I feel myself falling, that pure sensation of gravity escaping your body, as your stomach leaps out of your abdominals. My feet meet solid ground. Moonlight shines dimly above, in what seems to be the sky. Before me lies a linear dirt road that is surrounded by unusually tall, green blades of grass, obscuring all else; only one way to go. With no question of how, why or when I found myself in such a position, I proceed forth.

Only a few steps pass, it seems, when a voice nimbly crosses through my ears. A strange familiarity comes with it. ‘Choose…’ it says. My eyes moves up from the dirt ground, to find the scenery ahead changed almost entirely. A crossroad. I am at center of a crossroad. I look to the east, and standing idly in front of that path is a vague, shadowy facade of what seems to have once been a human being. He whispers in my head, that the path of which he stands in front of is the way of artful expression, internal passion, the potential for definitive happiness. But with it comes the unforgiving realities of an unstable, inconsistent, and potentially meager lot down the road. A cold chill slithers down my spine as another presence provokes me. I turn my direction to the west.

The figure standing here wears himself proudly. I see him clearly; properly groomed, slick hair, with very conspicuous and overt symbols of wealth about him. He tells me, with a voice of consummate confidence that behind him lays the road to a surefire prosperous future, of control and high stature. But what might I lose in return?

‘Yourself’. The word echoes loudly through my head, and for a moment I freeze. To the east, the figure still enigmatic and of obscurity, yet full of my loves and fiery passions. To the west, the way of conformity, and promised success, but finding no deeper purpose, no depth, no fervor…

Maddening ambivalence overtakes me. Who am I? Who do I want to become? These deceivingly simple questions divide me. My fear of being pounded into a mold that I am not, and my fear of losing myself in an endless maze of failure, collide into my holistic being. I drop to my knees, as my fingers dig deep into the cold, moist dirt. I crush it into my palm, knuckles whitening, as if hoping it could give me some answer…but it won’t. There is no easy answer for the dilemmas of life. A decision had to be made. And so it would be. I look ahead, to my future. No one ever truly knows what it holds, but I know I want something greater.

In front of me, between the east and the west, lies another road. This one I will take, and no regrets will cloud my judgment here. It doesn’t need to be purely east or west after all. Perhaps there is an answer in between. Who am I, and who will I become? The answer isn’t clear to me now, but down this road, I’ll find it.





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JohnSmith said...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 11:12 pm
A truly thought provoking essay, yet it seems cut short.
 
dracogecko said...
Oct. 6, 2011 at 5:13 pm
This is wonderfull; it's very deep and shows a lot of reflection. All the grammar is good, and the only thing you might want to change is "deceivingly". You probably meant "deceptively".
 
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