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A freezing cold day began when I tried to open my eyes. My eyelashes were frosted together, my mascara adding pounds of weight. I could feel tiny icicles formed on the edges of my eyelids. They made my eyes feel so heavy, as heavy as my broken heart that kept sinking lower in my chest. I felt it pound in my chest, and was thankful for somehow it still beats. There were times before that I'd wish it stop and freeze. Once it almost did I couldn't bear the burden. All my agonizing pain would cease, but I now know that isn't going to happen. Slowly the frost melts, it runs down my cheeks as if they were chilling tears. But I no longer can cry, my tears have been used up to make a lake upon my pillow. By weeping until I can weep no more is how I slip into sleep. I sit up slowly seeing colors dance at the edges of my vision and I know something is wrong. I know I will faint if I stand up. I wait.


I sat for awhile ontop of my haggard bed breathing in ice, and seeing my breath run away with the bit of soul I had left. Carefully I stepped off the bed and it collapsed in a heap behind me. I sighed a sigh wishing the weight of my life had vanished. I was wistful for my old house, the one before it happened. The divorce that broke my heart and made me the way I am. I missed that house. This new one was completely ramshackle and it could blow over after the slightest breeze. They left each other because of me. Me I was the reason this horrible nightmare happened. The fought over me constantly. They left because of the chronic fighting that occured almost every day. They both said things and backed those things up by saying "I want what is best for you." Which of course was what they said. How was I supposed to choose? I know it is nice that they love me, but they don't realize I love them the same. One of them always has to win. Someday. Maybe someday they will transcend their old ways. Because this Christmas we won't be together like everyone else in the world. The way we should be.


I was on the outside looking in. I didn't understand how any of this could happen so fast. I had just met my new friend, she didn't really have anyone to go to. I remember the first time I met her dad. He was angry, angry at the world. I was having fun you know making purses and all that jazz. Of course siblings don't get along. My friends little sister wasn't very aware of a guest in the house. She would always follow us around, at first I thought it was cute but then she wasn't being nice to us. Finally my friends dad stopped her but you know who he yelled at? My friend. Right in front of me. It scared me how angry he was. I could reach out and grasp the tension floating in the air. I wished I could stop the swelling of the wound, but I wasn't a divorce doctor. I couldn't fix the emotions coursing around. I wanted to loose contol, and throw my two cents out into the solid air, but all it would do is make a loud clank in choas. I left straightly after that. I walked home freezing even when the sun was shining for the rest of the world.


It changed me, illustrated the world and how cruel and solid it was. Stones were hard and some people had hearts of stone. Then I thought of the soft things in nature like spongy rainforest trees and clouds, the tobjects none of us can reach all the time. The fantasies that lie in the world, and above. Waves crash upon the stones or gently lap at our toes. How extreme the world was. I couldn't imagine having one suitcase to travel with no real home. Pack up everything and move on, be near different friends, different buses, meals, and atmospheres. Nine days living with my mom who I loved. Then four with my dad that I loved deep inside but who I believed was the antagonist. Because of his behavior towards me, I had choosen. Perhaps inside I already had a while ago. My mother was innocent in my eyes, and still today she is. I am not sure if my father and I have made up or if he knows I believe in my mother. One day I will get tired of this. One day I'll have to choose. Because they will make me, and maybe thats what they want. Which one is better. To be the favorite parent.


Last year I felt like my mom was my choice, like mother like daughter. This year I am not so sure. I love them both. I love spending time with each, I do. Coming home to nothing upsets me, as I walk into my dads house, a hole opens up in my heart. My mom is there when I shout I am home. She has a snack ready or a hug for me. I miss the time when we were together. Now my best friend is acting. I love acting as much as I possibly can. It is in my blood. I am me, a crazy actress. I am uncertain, my life is insane. I'm caught on a giant rollercoaster, and quite frankly I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea why, I am just listening to my heart. And following the yellow brick road. What if it is just being played?




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The Divorce Doctor said...
Jan. 10, 2011 at 5:12 am:
Sweetie, this is not your fault. Parents never break up because of their children or because of someone outside the relationship. They break up because they are simply unable to meet each other's needs in relationship.  Your mum has a way she wants to be loved and so does your dad. Because of their own upbringing they have both made up that if they are not loved in a specific way, if they are not spoken to in a specific way and if they are treated in a way (albeit unconsciously by the other... (more »)
 
montana replied...
Jan. 15, 2011 at 6:27 pm :
Thank you very much Ms. Francine Kaye. However, my parents aren't divorced, they are happily married. I put myself in my friend's shoes to write this piece. She went through this a little less than a year ago. I will be sure to send the message along. Thank you.
 
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