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April 16, 2013
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“Do You Even Lift, Bro?”

Until a few short weeks ago, 19-year-old John Snow was like any ordinary teen. He enjoyed playing video games, watching Doctor Who and eating out every once in a while. Since leaving to attend Arizona State University, he naturally gained a few pounds but nothing more than the average student. But lately, Snow has been drawn to habits far more dangerous than the occasional extra scoop of Rocky Road. He has been gripped by the feverish, mind-numbing trend that defines Arizona State University: Curl Bros.
A “Curl Bro” is a teenage male who highly overemphasizes the importance of having a big chest and biceps. The process of becoming a Curl Bro begins innocently. Ordinary ASU students absentmindedly engage in hazardous activities such as ingesting Creatien or killing time at the Sun Devil Fitness Center. There are many reasons a young man might choose to join the ranks of Curl Bros, but the ending is always the same. “I first started lifting to impress a girl, but now it’s my whole life,” says John Snow.
From a scientific point of view, a Curl Bro’s body responds to this change in lifestyle in a few unique ways. First, the body cuts off blood flow to the now unnecessary higher brain functions and then directs all excess nutrients to the biceps and ego, causing an unnatural enlargement of both. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: irrational emphasis on exercise, an overdeveloped libido, aggression, and poor fashion sense.
“Before college, I was weak. I had fat on my body. It was disgusting,” says Snow, sporting a snap back and a tank top with an American flag on it, reading “Back-to-Back World War Champs.”
In high school, John started Cookie Club, a community service organization that sold cookies to raise money for charity. He earned good grades in school and got along with his peers and teachers alike. He was voted ‘Most Likeable’ in his graduation yearbook. John’s childhood friend, Aria, sadly wonders, “What happened to my friend?”
“I got buff, that’s all,” gasps a shirtless Snow between bench presses. “Do you realize how good I look? If the haters can’t handle my intensity, that’s their problem.” When asked about the importance of lower body strength and exercises such as squats and calf raises, John refused to comment. He did however self-consciously drape a towel over his disproportionately scrawny legs.
Before all the weightlifting started, John was known throughout his dorm for his infectious smile and laugh. These days, all John seems to laugh about are lesser weightlifters and Meatless Mondays. Robert Stark, John’s roommate, was hit the hardest by the transformation. “At the start of the year, we did everything together: we studied together, ate together, gamed together; it was great. Then, he changed,” recounts Robert. “The other day I woke up to find a pull-up bar installed in our shower. Seriously, why!?”
“I can’t decide whether to buy more compression shorts or a year’s supply of whey protein. This decision is like… really hard,” murmurs a frustrated John Snow. What began as a simple, fun exercise routine soon mushroomed into a full blown compulsion for John. “I just can’t stop myself. It’s not that I want to do curls- I need to do curls,” says Snow.
Regarding his future plans and life goals, Snow says, “I’m not really sure anymore. I used to like science, but now- all I want is to get big, I want to get yoked!” whilst making his pectoral muscles dance.
“I wasn’t always so devoted to The Temple,” admits a shamefaced Snow, lifting his shirt and gesturing at his abs. “I used to forget to end sentences by saying ‘bro.’ I would walk through the gym and not even think of correcting people’s form. One time I even attended class. Thankfully, those days are over.”

“I loved my son no matter what shape or size he was. He might not have been the most athletic kid, but at least he was happy. Now, all he talks about is hitting clubs and getting swoll. What do those words even mean?” says John’s confused mother, Catelyn. “I just want my son back.”
John’s irate father, Ned, takes a harder line, saying, “I’ve seen a lot of messed up fads in my day, but I’ll be damned before I let my son use spray tan. Why can’t he just go back to pizza and online gaming like a normal kid?”
“I have less than ten percent body fat. I can bench my body weight. That means I’m healthy-- right?” wonders John.

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