The Struggles of Tay

April 3, 2013
By bigheartedgirl17, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri
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bigheartedgirl17, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri
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Favorite Quote:
No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't.
Marilyn Monroe


Author's note: I wanted to help others. I know how it feels to feel alone. Others shouldn't feel that way. I didn't write this for pity. I wrote it for others to get hope and inspiration.

Life has always been a little more difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong it could be worse. I’m seventeen though and I am just now figuring out some of my life. Don’t get me wrong I know there are millions of pieces to my life I just will have to work through the years putting together. See, I think of life as a mystery. As a puzzle not even the world’s biggest genius can discover.
I mean think of all the philosophy, science, psychology, mathematics, literature, and the past, the present, and the future. We will never figure out life. I don’t think you figure it out until you’re on your death bed sharing your experiences and thoughts as your last words with the people who mean the most to you. Do we even have it right then? Think about it. Some of you may not be religious, but I’m Baptist. Even reading the Holy Bible I just can’t figure out the meaning of life.
So, I am sharing the seventeen years almost eighteen years of experience that I have with the readers of this book. Not mistakes because you can’t live in regret, you can only move forward and do better.
Trust me, because I learned the hard way. Through tears and smiles I promise you will make it through. I’m working on it, but the sunlight is there.

I was born on August 12,1995 into a loving family. My mother a woman of strength and courage, who also has a big heart. Then my father who is the bravest man I have ever known. He is in the army and a sergeant first class. Extremely intelligent the both of them.
So you now know I am an army brat. When I was a baby I was born in Glendale, Arizona. I them moved to Heidelberg, Germany when I was a baby. I don’t remember any of it but I was a pretty happy kid. Only problems were I always had a hard time sleeping and asthma.
I believe that there is a God. That he puts us through struggles, but never struggles he knows we can’t handle. I believe he holds your hand through it all and even if you let go he is still there beside you. Along with your guardian angel. Everything I have been through I went through for a reason. It made me who I am today. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as you can tell.
We then moved to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and I didn’t speak English well. I spoke a combination of German and English. I remember being picked on because kids thought I spoke “funny”. I was put in speech and ha in their faces I learned to read, write, and speak better English then most of them.
I started to enjoy English. At first I struggled, but it is now one of my greatest strengths. From spelling, to writing lyrics, poetry, and short stories. I just feel amazing when I write or read. When I read I can see the pictures in my head. My imagination just runs wild. When I write I can express myself. I just feel like a new person when I do. So the hard work paid off.
Even though my speech was fixed I was still picked on as a young child. I was smart and that was a target, I wasn’t really the cutest kid so that was another target, and I was usually teacher’s pet.
A few years of living in the middle of nowhere and we moved to Arizona. I switched schools several times there too, due to my dad’s job. My grandfather died while I was still in Missouri. One of the greatest men that ever lived. I don’t remember much about Grandpa considering he died almost eleven years ago. I remember I had a great bond with him and he had a bigger heart and the best intentions towards everyone than anyone I have ever known. It breaks my heart that I don’t remember much about him.
I remember seeing his body in the casket when I was six years old. I had nightmares for years about it. Eventually became depressed at a young age. Years of therapy and it still breaks my heart, but I know he is in a better place now. Especially since he was very religious.
We moved to Arizona a year after his death I think, oh and I have three siblings by the way a sister who was born in Germany, and two brothers who were both born in Arizona. But in Arizona I attended a few schools like I said got pretty good grades. Most embarrassing moment I remember though was when I was in the first grade and had to read to another class. Then when the teacher says,” And that’s how it is done!” I can guarantee you that you’re face turns the color of a tomato.
I also remember doing this wonderful project on jaguars in the third grade, but receiving a “C” because the report was apparently done with words copied off of the internet. I was livid the report was perfect! Even the project was perfect we put a rainforest background in, we built a wooden box, made our own waterfall and river, used plastic animals, and put in trees! The lady must have thought someone else did it, but my dad and I worked so hard. Then I receive a “C”! Lady, that was “A” material.
I also had a big heart third grade I remember being late for class because there was a small kid and she couldn’t reach the water fountain. So I risked being late and lifted her so she could get a drink of water. When I told the teacher why I was late I was told ,” No excuse!”
We moved back to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri the summer that I was going into fourth grade. Elementary school in Missouri with a bunch of army brats is the worst experience, ever! I was bullied and I had a teacher who was way rough on me so my grades were slipping and she thought I was the biggest idiot. I didn’t understand any of the math, the science was so hard, and this broke my heart because it was my best subject but none of my English work was good enough. Even though I was reading at a grade above mine level, and won a writing contest! She was so hard on me. My determination went out the window and my depression was terrible especially because I was being tortured by kids. By the way puberty at a young age is terrible! I blame the chemicals in fast food!

Fifth grade I had the best teacher ever. She adored me, I still visit her to this day. I will forever remember when I was being picked on and she put the kid on what teenagers now call “blast”. I entered a spelling bee that year made it past the class and the school spelling bee. I failed when the next level of the spelling bee came. I was no nervous! I was smart as a kid though. I still am, but bad choices, mental illness, and rough experiences started happening.
My dad deployed for the second time in my life in fourth grade didn’t get back until a year later. Then he had to leave again when I was in sixth grade. Speaking of sixth grade rough year. Boys aren’t worth it! Wait until you are 16 to date and date the good boys. The ones that open car doors for you and spoil you.
I had my first boyfriend the loser still tries to talk to me getting naughty things out of me. I respond of course to be polite but keep talk small. I kind of held a grudge when I found out he dated me because I had big hoo-has. Then he dumped me for another girl. My first heart ache and disappointment. Boys suck! Then I got hooked on dating, but they were usually the wrong guys. My second boyfriend forced my first kiss and made me do things that I didn’t want to do to him. I was hit, sexually abused, and one day had a knife held to my throat. Dealt with him on and off for two years not knowing what to do.
I was so depressed I was cutting myself, got promiscuous at the age of twelve, and drank alcohol.
I needed help.
Seventh grade I was kind of popular, but for the wrong reasons. Middle of seventh grade I got in some serious trouble. I was pressured into sending a nude photo by one of the boys I went to school with, and my self esteem was so low I did. I was harassed. Horrible names I don’t even want to say in this, because they hurt me so bad.
We ended up moving around December of my eighth grade year because I was extremely depressed from being harassed so badly. I even almost got sent to court.
We then moved to Fort Dix, New Jersey hoping for me to get a fresh start. I literally had two friends in eighth grade. I was pretty much a loner. Then I joined scouts and stayed there for about two years I enjoyed it. A lot of adventures, good people, and fun times.
One day we were camping and I asked my dad who went with us venture scouts,” Dad where do I plug in my hair straightner?” His reply being sarcastic but I didn’t notice I was so tired,“ Go find a tree with a plug in it.” I’m not joking there’s evidence on my facebook page I found a tree with a plug in it. Everyone was shocked it became joke of the year. I still don’t know whether my dad was proud, shocked, or dying of embarrassment. I can assure you he will never tell me that again though!
Scouts helped me a lot though. Especially since I was the new girl with a little side of country accent I got picked on.
I didn’t even make it through ninth grade we tried everything. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and bipolar. I was devastated. My heart hurt so bad it felt like I lost a side of me.
We tried homeschooling and everything. I failed ninth grade three times due to anxiety and being bullied.
I later moved back to Missouri and tried school again. I couldn’t handle it both times. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, smoking, and drinking. I didn’t know how much more of myself I could handle I was spiraling downwards. I was then drugged and raped in May of 2012. The guys who did it got away I waited too long out of fear to take it to the legal system. Then when I did the harassment was terrible and we were losing because of no evidence. Every time they would bring it up I would just cry and shake.
I later started going to a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. In my mind great another disorder more pills. The question of me ever living a normal teenage life started to bombard my mind. I cried every night.

It’s almost been a year and I dropped out of high school for good, I see a new wonderful therapist, am working on my GED, debating between cosmetology school or law school so I can defend rape victims, I was really depressed for a long time and am now just starting to get out of it. Speaking of my happiness just makes me want to cry. I now realize my bipolar, anxiety, or depression doesn’t make me who I am.
Now what I see in the mirror is a beautiful young lady, with tons of ambition, a big heart, talent in writing and singing, a intelligent individual. If people have a problem with the new me they can get over it.
So what my body does shake and I maybe a little socially awkward? I’m me, Taylore Marie and that’s the best I can be.
So if you’re going through what I went through abuse, tons of medicine, getting sick, and not being able to function because of your mental illness don’t doubt yourself, don’t give up, and keep fighting. We are all soldiers in our own wars. The question is are we going to fight or die?
Look at me now. I was on thirteen pills a day before. I am now on four. I smile, I enjoy my hobbies again, I wake up cleaning and singing, I read for fun, I walk again, I roll out of bed, I’m working on my education, and trying to drive, I pray and read the bible, and I express my emotions, and finally act my age, I’m even trying to get a job.
I have a great support system from wonderful loved ones. I believe you too can get there. I still have a ways to go but I am fighting my battle like no other.
My main thing was I always wanted to fit in. Marilyn Monroe has a very famous quote that always helps me when I’m feeling down or misunderstood or even left out she says,” I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
I believe every word of that. In fact she is probably one of the smartest women I can think of when it comes to needing inspiration in your life.
I was down for a really long time. In fact I want to reach out to teens all over the world and let them know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
If I could tell everyone that with telepathy I would. However it would take a great amount of brain power, and with as smart as I am I don’t think I can do that. Not even Einstein could.
I no longer have asthma by the way, which I am grateful for because asthma attacks used to put me in the emergency room. Miracles do happen. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and stay there until you decide to climb to the top.
Either way you can do it! I didn’t share this for pity. I don’t want your pity. I want to give you inspiration. In the long run everything you do, all the hard work is worth it. I promise you that. Just live a happy life, enjoy your time, appreciate your loved ones, don’t rush growing up, and dare to be different. It’s okay to stand out of the crowd. Like I say,” When everyone is wearing black dress in pink!”



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