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From Fear To Fall
From fear to fall, these feelings have grown. The bond I have with my wife did not start out of nowhere nor did it result from one specific event. It is a bond that has resulted from many years of friendship and many years of struggle. This is my our story this is how it all began.
It was the second semester of my sophomore year of high school. I decided to do concert choir. I have always had a passion for singing, so in my mind this was the only choice. However, I did not expect what would result from this decision. I did not know that I had made a decision that would influence the rest of my life. I was unaware that I would meet the love of my life, because of this seemingly unimportant decision.
The first day that I walked in the class, I knew most of the people. There were only a few people I never even noticed before. One of these was a short brunette by the name of Sarah. When I walked in, she immediately questioned my purpose for being there. At the time, I wasn’t sure why she was like this.
Over the next few days I noticed things about her that intrigued me. Only one of these, I was able to put my finger on. She seemed to be going through a tough time. I was fascinated by this, because she was one of the few humans at our school. She was one of the few people I could tell was going through something. I knew then that I wasn’t the only person at this school who seemed to not have it all going their way. Those other unknown characteristics, however, are the ones that most interested me.
It wasn’t very long before I had an unexplainable crush on her. The fact that I was having yet another crush was cause of both amazing feelings and an ever present fear. I was afraid of being rejected again. I was afraid of being exposed and then ridiculed for it. These fears were caused by my past crushes. The only way I knew to find out if my fears were justified or not was to get to know the girl.
As the year progressed she grew a little more friendly with each attempt I made to get to know her. It wasn’t until a few week before festival that I truly had a break through. In those week, I gradually was able to hold a conversation with her. It was also around this time I heard a very dangerous rumor. Some of her friends told me she had a crush on me. I had never had a crush that actually liked me back. This threw me into a complete state of shock.
This rumor only made things worse for me. It caused new fears and new conflicting feelings in me. It added new questions constantly running through my head. What if it isn’t true? What if it’s just the opposite of what they say? What if it is true though and if it is true, then why is she so indifferent to me? If it is true what should I do? I haven’t had a girl like me in four years.
Although these thoughts were haunting me, still I continued trying to get to know her. I tried my hardest to put those thoughts behind me and just try to form some sort of friendship between us. I by now was to the point, I was afraid of having a crush. So I dismissed it as my head messing with me.
By the time the festival rolled around we talked more frequently. After the festival the choir at the Crescent City Restaurant. It was then the first time I noticed something about her that made me fall for her. It was her beautiful brown eyes and gorgeous smile. I couldn’t help but stare. Also while there I winded up getting her number. We texted a decent bit for the first two days, but then those ever haunting thoughts came back into my mind. It was then that I stopped texting her often, I was afraid of falling even harder for her. I was afraid that I might be rejected.
The summer went by slow and we did not talk much at all. It wasn’t until the next year that I started talking to her again. It did not take long for us to become actual friends and not just that girl I talked to on occasion. However, I was still a fool. I held the fact she had a crush on me over her head for that whole first quarter. I did this even though I knew I felt the same way. It wasn’t until my grandfather died that I stopped being such a jerk to her everyday.
It was what she did for me during this time that made me hate the things I did to her, the things I said. She, even though I was a complete jerk to her, helped me through this tough time in my life. It was this act of kindness that killed me. I swore to myself, I would have to make it up to her. Despite the guilt it caused me, it was over this experience that we first became close. It was through this period in my life that our bond grew stronger.
Over the next month, I struggled with guilt and ever haunting questions. How could she be so caring and kind to me, even after I did the things I did? What did I do to deserve such an amazing friend? How in the heck would I ever repay her for her acts of kindness? These things would continue to haunt me well into my senior year.
By the very beginning of the second semester, We had grown so close we considered each other siblings. Although, I will admit that was not what I truly thought of her. I had always loved her more than that, ever since the moment I laid eyes upon her. Everybody knew this even her own mother knew this. It was obvious from the beginning. The only person that didn’t get it was Sarah. She was blissfully unaware at my many efforts to drop a hint to her about my feelings for her.
We were the best of friends by this time in our lives. However I still wished we were more. I just didn’t know if she still felt the same way. So, I just made do with just being best friends or siblings if you will.
By now I had learned several things about her that made my even more crazy for her. I learned that she was, like me, a writer. However, she was way more talented of a writer than I. I was, I’ll admit, envious of her amazing ability to pop out stories like they were candy bars on a production line.
Over this time, she did play a devious little trick on me that lasted until the end of the semester. She had her friend Breanna pose as her best friend and neighbor, Samantha. Samantha was like a protective older sister to Sarah. Samantha, right before she moved, had me promise her that I would take care of Sarah. She had me promise her that I would be there for her best friend. I willingly did so. I saw it as a way to finally make up for all the things I did to Sarah.
I successfully got Sarah addicted to screamo over the course of that winter. Before she met me she could not stand screamo. It was another thing I fell for. The only difference is, this time, I was the cause of this attribute that I so loved about her.
She loved it when I played my guitar for her. She was always fascinated with me and my guitar. I actually enjoyed playing for her. She was the only one who thought I was very good at it. She was the only one that told me I was good and meant it.
We talked almost nightly that spring. She came to most of my home games during the baseball season. It was that spring, that she developed a love for stealing my hats and wearing them. Quite honestly, I liked it when she did that. She was always there to support me no matter what I did.
By this time I finally was able to successfully fool myself into thinking we were just friends. I got myself to believe that I did not have feelings for her. I had successfully made myself believe that she was just a little sister to me and nothing more.
Not much else happened the rest of that semester until the choir festival. I sat with Sarah on the bus the whole time. We even grouped up at the mall together. It was an amazing time for both of us.
Prom came and I knew had a decision to make. Who was I going to take? I couldn’t take Sarah because, eighth graders were not allowed to go even with a high schooler taking them. So I ended up taking a girl from choir named Allison Frock. I had a great time, and thoroughly enjoyed prom.
After prom things went on as usual. However, there was one key difference. I fooled myself so bad that spring that I thought that I had feelings for Allison. This, now that I look back on it was one of my worst mistakes over the course of that spring. It would end up reaping havoc on my mind.
Once the spring performance came we were still very close we talked a lot, especially during the dress rehearsal and before the performance. After the performance we didn’t get to talk much there was too much going on during that time.
In the weeks after the performance I worked up that guts to ask Allison out. When I did though, she completely ignored me. That Sunday I asked her about it, but what happened next was exactly what I didn’t expect. She chewed me out. She even went as far as to say that she hated every second of prom. At that moment I was crushed. My self inflicted blindness was the one thing that ended up being my downfall. I know that this whole experience was also tough on Sarah. Now looking back on it, I realize she still was in love with me. My blindness not only hurt me, it also was pure torture for her. Despite all these facts, she willingly helped me through the pain that Allison caused me.
Over the summer we texted a decent amount of the summer. She finally found her favorite nickname for me “Andy.” She was always asking me if I minded her calling me that. My answer always was, “I used to hate being called that by everybody, but with you for some reason I kind of like it.” As always, I found new bands to introduce to her. Also, I was always finding new ways to piss her off. The summer passed by really quick. We went to the movies once that sumer and saw two movies together. One of the biggest things that I regret about that summer is the fact that I ever considered getting back together with my ex.
It wasn’t until right before school began my senior year that I again realized I had feelings for Sarah. My senior year started off with a bang. Sarah and I simply picked back up where we left off. This year though was different in many ways. We sat together at break and lunch. We both got a Skype account and video chatted almost nightly.
Not all the changes were good though, there was a new factor in our friendship. This factor was drama. There was a ton of drama revolving around us. It all started off with one of her friends pestering the snot out of me to leave Sarah alone. This harassment was pointless, I was in love. I would not just let the girl I loved go without a fight. Eventually that faded away just as drama does. However, it left Sarah constantly questioning wether I should just fade out of the picture because, I was a senior and graduating after that year. She didn’t want to end up hurt. What she didn’t understand was I loved her and would never allow that to happen.
It was also around this time that I learned a secret of hers well hidden for months. She was a cutter. When I heard this I went into complete shock. How could I have been so blind? Why wasn’t I there for her when she did these things? This, despite how much worry it caused me, made me care for her all the more. It made me want to be there for her through the good and the bad, through her highs and lows.
I also understood, in a way, the reasons for these actions. I like her struggled with depression and stress. I like her had a terrible way of handling it. The only difference was I had never cut. I had contemplated it many times, however. I had other methods of relief that were not good at all. Some of the m were not as bad, yet some of the worse.
The one thing that made me fall for her this time was the one most unexpected thing. When she told me that she cut I knew the struggle. I was able to understand this and not go completely crazy when she told me. I had this understanding because, I went through worse times. When I was in seventh grade I was going through so much that I actually contemplated committing suicide.
However, this fact also caused me to fear. It caused me to worry. I was afraid she would eventually press too hard and it would go too deep and the love of my life would be no more. I couldn’t allow this to happen I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I lost the one thing that kept me going no matter how down I was. I couldn’t lose the one person that could always make me smile no matter what.
I stayed on constant watch for signs of her being depressed and confronted her every time I suspected something was wrong. It occasionally worked, but when it wouldn’t the only thing I knew to do was distract her from her thoughts. This went on for over two months.
During that period, the ever haunting memories of the things I did to her came back. One morning, I gave in to those contemplations that I had so many times before. Right after parking in the student parking lot, I took my knife and slashed the side of my right palm open. I finally gave in to the contemplations to cut.
That morning at break, She asked me about the cut on my palm. I couldn’t tell her what happened, it would cause her too much pain. I had to come up with something then it hit me, the perfect excuse. I told her I was reaching into my armrest compartment of my car and I didn’t realize the knife I kept in there was open. So, when I reached in it cut my palm. She bought it at first, but it wasn’t until the next week that I told her the truth. She was shocked, she didn’t know how to comprehend what I had told her. She, however, did help me through it just as I was helping her. We held each other accountable. We both asked each other the same question all the time. “Are you okay?”
That October, I was riddle with thoughts like a target full of bullet holes. By this time the recent drama was how apparently Sarah and I were dating. Oh, how I wished, but I denied I liked her because I was still unsure of her feelings for me. I wasn’t going to say yes we like each other and we might date, because I wasn’t going to put Sarah in a position she didn’t want to be in. Little did I know that me saying that I would never date her was slowly killing her on the inside.
It wasn’t until the middle of that month that I had to tell her. It was killing me not to. I remember like it was just a second ago. We were on skype one Saturday afternoon. She was in one of those moods, but she couldn’t help but notice something was bothering me. So she asked me, “What’s wrong? What’s on your mind now?” I told her it was nothing, but this time she wouldn’t take nothing for an answer. So I told her that if I told her it might affect our friendship.
She persisted for another hour. I finally gave in and told her that the drama was making me question my feelings for her. It was making me question wether I really liked her as more than a friend or if its only a sibling relationship. She was speechless. I didn’t know what to do. I was getting mixed signals from her.
We got offline for about fifteen minutes. I didn’t notice that she sent me a text. So, when she got back online, I told her that it was just my head messing with me and that these feelings weren’t real. I told her this because, I thought she didn’t feel the same way. This conversation went on until she had to take a shower.
Right after she had to go I say the text that she sent me earlier. It said this, “ I know what you mean I struggle with the same thoughts.” It was right when I read this that my hearts fell into my stomach. I had just told her that I had feelings for her, then not fifteen minutes later that it was just my head messing with me.
I felt like such a jerk. I just unintentionally toyed with her heart and crushed her hopes of us getting together. I got my dad and talked to him about what was going on. I didn’t exactly tell him I loved her. I just told him about how bad I felt for saying I did have feelings for her then I didn’t. I felt so guilty, but I wasn’t going to bring it up to her. I was afraid it would only make things worse.
Over the course of the next week Sarah wasn’t herself. I could tell something was on her mind haunting her every thought. She told me that something somebody said was playing in her mind like a broken record. I had a strong feeling that I knew what it was, but I had to hear it from her.
That Sunday, I finally got it out of her. After days of constant pushes for her to answer, she did. She said, “There’s something I need to confess. The voice in my head that was bothering me... It was you.” I waited a second and then replied, “I knew it was. It was last Saturdays conversation wasn’t it?” “Yes,” she admitted reluctantly “that’s what was bothering me.” I had one thing on my mind. I said to her, “You never told me your side of the conversation. You were quiet the whole time. So I thought you didn’t like me that way anymore.” She replied, “I told you I struggled with the same thought!” “I didn’t see that text until you got in the shower. I have one question,” I said explaining my mistake. “Do you have feelings for me still?” There was a shocked look on her face. Sarah replied, “Yes, I always have.”
It was this reply that made my heart fill with many emotions. So of these were joy, relief, hopefulness, and love. That evening, while Sarah was at church I talked to my parents about the whole subject. How we had feelings for each other. If we should try to date and lastly how to get her parents to say yes.
When she got back from church we decided we would ask her parents. She said she would handle it. I’ll admit I was worried as heck. Our question went unanswered until that Tuesday. It was Tuesday, October 18, 2011. We got our answer during second period. Sarah emailed me with one word... Yes!
It was the one of the most amazing moments of my life. We were finally together. I final was with the one I loved and nobody could separate us. It was a dream come true. She was the only one of my crushes that has ever worked out. She was my first legitimate girlfriend. All my other “girlfriends” I used to have were never serious. We didn’t go on dates or anything that real couples do. We had a lot of firsts together. We were each others first kiss. We were each other’s first decent person that we were in a relationship with. We were finally happy. Together we were the happiest we have ever been.
From fear to fall, the story was told. It was not the end but the beginning. It was the beginning of a story of love. This love is a love knows no end.