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Inside the Mind of a Bastard Child

Author's note: I want to write this to free others to tell their stories and to encourage them that they are not...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: I want to write this to free others to tell their stories and to encourage them that they are not on this earth alone and destitute. No matter what hand you are dealt in this life you can make it if you really want. Even when you feel you have failed or feel like you are stuck in one place, useless, alone, untalented, unqualified for success, undeserving of love or any other label you can slap on yourself you are nothing short of perfectly designed. Each and every person has a story to share and if we all shared ours we would break down the walls that isolate us in our pain and see that maybe this world was created to be more then a holding cell imprisoning us into a life of meaninglessness.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 Next »

Moving Along

We are moving from Texas again but this time to Colorado
We were living in a Bronco truck on the same lot as another family
This family had a daughter we would play with
The man whom they called uncle violated my sister
Now every where we go he is there
In every shadow we see him in
At every stop light his car meets ours
Away our father sends us
To our mother
Back to her bizarre life but not back to the same trailer
She is with the same man however
I hope she has gotten over feeling overwhelmed

Jess came to live with us awhile back
He looks just a little bit different than when we used to visit him
His sandy hair shaved and his blue eyes no longer blocked by glasses
But nonetheless he is still the Jess I've always know

He can be fun to play with but mostly he sulks in his room alone
Girls come by to visit him and I gag as they call him Jessie
I watch him ride his dirt bike
I wash his dishes for a dollar
I drank a half a beer at his daring
And every now and again he kicks holes in our walls
I think that somethings a little off with him but it is hard to tell in my house
I have heard my mother mention he is schizophrenic but I don't understand what that means
Maybe it is what makes him so temperamental

I will wear no shoes if I want to
I want my mother
I run outside
Dan is screaming for me to get back inside
I stand defiantly and tell him to make me
I regret my words as he begins to count
However I do not show my fear I just stand there staring at him...water on my face...anger in my eyes
He has no right
He can not make me do anything

I put my hand on my waist
He finishes counting and starts out the door
I threaten to run if he comes near me
He glares me down and yells, I better get in the house
I stomp my feet but begin to move forward
He has turned around and is heading back into the living-room
I get to the door and feel a giant hand grab hold of my arm
He yanks me in and drags me toward the hall
He takes down a hanging wooden cutting board that has a handle for holding it
I squirm to get away from him
He turns me and lets go of my arm
I go to move away....he hits me with the cutting board
Then he raises his arm and brings it back down again on my lower half...SNAP...it cracks in two

As the halfs fall out of his hand he grabs me and shakes my shoulders
I will listen to him, I will do as he says, when he says it and I will wear my damn shoes when I go out side
Kicking, thrashing and scream I push away from him and run down the hall
I slam the bedroom door and lock it
I call out to him that I will tell my mother
As I sit in the middle of the room I hear him laughing as he walks down the hall
I begin to believe that maybe the stories about pushing his own kids out of the car if they didn't wear their seat-belts were true

A clashing clanking mess of noise is coming from the other room
I feel the warmth of the dish water on my hands
The soapy bubbles float around as Rachael dries the plates
Dan is hollering at my mother for something
Rachael glides around the room like a ghost putting everything in its place
I close my eyes and try to block out the chaos
If I could just drift away...
Touch the sky or fly on the wings of the wind to a foreign place

Screams of pain echo from the other room
I am ripped out of my dream world and back into reality
I dash to the corner and look around the side
Dan is hitting my mother
I watch as she tries to defend herself

She rips herself free of his grasp
She stumbles back
Dan steps toward her and I watch as his arm rises
The collision of skin and hand is met with the collision of body meeting floor
The reunion an unpleasant smashing sound and a whelp of true human sorrow

She tries to crawl out of his reach
He makes a swift move and grabs her by the hair
On her back my mother kicks and screams
Her words as fearless and his cold stone eyes
He begins to drag her toward the hall slamming her body into the ground as she resists
I cry out in childish desperation for him to leave her alone
And just as my words hit the air my mother grabs a tall lamp and it falls into Dan's face
Just as he begins to kick her side in retaliation to the attack he catches my horror filled eyes
In a booming voice that shook the very core of my being he yelled for Rachael and me to go to our room
I stood there in frozen disobedience when he made a start toward me, my mother still in hand
With tears rolling freely she sharply instructs me to obey
I jump into gear with Rachael in hand and we bolt past them, down the hall to the safest room of them all
It's a room in the middle of two doors with a lock on both and only one bed
Before I duck into the door I turn to see Dan dragging my mother to the couch belt buckle undone
We hear her cries long after the door closes and the covers are pulled over our heads
We take comfort in our mutual sniffling and cling in each other's arms
After a time we hear the heavy footsteps of a still angry man and his clenched hands on the door
He demands we open the damn door now but we are not foolish enough for this trick
Despite this truth my mother shouts warnings from the other room
Her shrikes irk her boyfriend even more and as he heads back down the hall she informs him the authorities will be here soon
I hear his open palm greet her statement and then his muttering as his feet scurry away
The house is silent and my mother never comes down the hall
No police ever show and Dan comes in the door as we stand in the center of the living room
We stand in anticipation of his anger
He stumbles forward obviously drunk
He picks up the phone and dials a number
After a while he tell us to leave
“Where are we to go?”
He tells us to forget it he will leave and “the bitch can come and get us if she pleases”
It takes what seems like forever but finally she arrives with a lady friend to collect us
We have bags packed for awhile but we are gone forever
My mother keeps her shoulders hunched and her hair in her face
We get settled into this lady's house and by the time we see our mother again she has slept for several days and looks quite a lot better

We have moved away from my mom's friend
This trailer park is our new home
I sit upon my steps hoping for some friends
I hold my scratching cat in my little arms
I watch the kids in the street
A girl asks me to call a boy Pencil
I have no idea why so I do
He gets angry at me

So, hello to new friends and hello to new enemies

The girls across the dirt street are my friends
Their mother is a single woman
Their father no longer there because he is a bad bad man

The bullies in the trailer park are a group of boys on bikes
They chase me down the street on their wheeled demons and often try to drown my cat
At the pool they hold me under the water just enough that I am scared I might really die
They throw dirt clods at me
And I am scared to find out what they might do if they ever catch me alone

My Life in the World of Wheeled Homes
I play games in the field
I swim in the river
I am the nurse during the dirt battles in the ditches out back
I jump rope with the girls
We walk to the store for snacks and candy
We play Pokemon
And I know this place like the back of my hand

I know that everyone will meet at four after school has ended to play outside
I know the oldest guys will ride motorcycles on the dirt jumps they built by hand
In the late evening the red headed boy will walk down the street with a gun in hand
The neighbor across the street and over owns a wolf that will bite
And when anything goes wrong I should tell them Jess is my brother and they will leave me alone

Greg is my mothers boyfriend
He is tall, with straggly dark hair and dark eyes
I hate this man
He is always all over my mother
I see them having sex in the living-room all the time
He drinks and he smells like a stale drink
He tends to yell a lot and he hates me and Rach
He built us bunk beds out of wood
They fell apart while we were sleeping on them

He hates that we swam in the river (the Colorado River)
He hates our friends in the trailer park..he thinks they are bad influences
In fact he has banned us from swimming with them in the river next to the highway

So today we are going swimming in the water hole out in the dirt fields of the trailer park with some other friends

Later that same day...

I have a matching bathing suit with an older girl....the suit is a one piece with a Tweety- bird on it
Greg saw the older girl getting in the river....he saw my wet suit hanging in the bathroom
He came into my room and began to scream at me
He apparently demands to be obeyed.

I told him he was obeyed me and Rach were never at the river today
He calls me a liar and I inform him I am not
He proceeds to call me a story maker
I call him a stupid, jerk who needs to listen to facts

He shoves me down the hall and into my room
I am grounded he informs me
I laugh but quickly stop when he moves toward me
As he is walking away I yell down the hall a reminder to him that he is not my father
I see him turn and smile and I am grounded for longer now

I taunt him saying he can't ground me..he does not have the authority
As I wait for my mother to get home I think of what I'll tell her
I think of how unfair and cruel this man is and how she can check with my friend's mom to see I that I was telling the truth
Hours pass as I wait and when my mother finally come my shoulders slump
She wants me to get out of the house
I am ungrounded but Greg needs time to cool off

Walking down the tar covered road
The sun's beating on my shoulders
A group of us are going to the market
Rachael spots a man walking toward us down the street
Our father's been away a long while but she swears it is him
I can not believe it because he is wearing a pink shirt
The dark figure moves closer to us
I see the man's face becoming clearer and clearer to me
My heart begins to race
The adrenaline courses through my veins

I take off running

My legs are quick as they bring me closer to the figure
I throw my arms around my father's neck
He scoops me and Rachael up in his arms
He puts us back down and we abandon the idea of the market to go home
It is time to catch up with our dad

Mid-way down the street it becomes clear that my dad is loopy on something
I guess nothings changed

My dad is staying at the hotel up the street
First he wants to spend some money on us all
He gets a hold of Jess and we all head to Wal-Mart
My dad tells us that he was given money because of the car accident
He broke his leg and totaled the car and so they gave him disability money
Edee left him after the accident
Which is why it took him so long to get here

As soon as we walk into the store my dad tells us to pick out a toy
Rachael and I get dolls
Jess goes for something much larger, he picks a little trick bike
I watch from my slight childish delight with curiosity about my dad's stumbling ways
My dad gaffs all through the store and all the way home

My dad is fighting with Greg
My dad has a few hundred dollars in his red tool box but as he leans over to look into the box it's not there
My dad begins to yell even louder
Swear words bounce off the walls
He yanks Greg off the couch where he's been reclining with my mom
He believes Greg has been stealing his money

They tussle back and forth

Greg leaves in a huff and my dad tells him to never come back

After things settle my mother helps mend my father's wounds
Then my dad decides it is best for him to go
He invites Rachael and I to go to the hotel with him
He pleads when we tell him we have a sleep over
And then he leaves the house alone

As soon as he's gone I find myself wishing I had gone with him
I feet guilty about leaving him alone
I cried and asked my mother to take me to his hotel

Little did I know as she dropped me off outside his door how drunk he would be
I stumble into the room
My dad already half-asleep in his bed
I realize upon entry I wish I had stayed over at my friends tonight

There is only one bed, a bottle of vodka on the night stand
My dad seems frightened by my presence as he tries to place who I am
After I explain he laughs and tells me to get in bed
I unbutton my jeans, take off my coat and slide in bed in my tee shirt and underwear (a standard pj for me)

I climb in far away from my dad's side of the bed
He moves closer and pulls me over
He is naked
I recoil
Why did I come here?
I deserve whatever comes next
I initiated this
I should have known he just wanted a warm body to keep him from being alone
This is my fault

House of holes and drafty windows
Cardboard blocks the sunlight from streaming in
The back room a dungeon to us all
mattresses lay across the floor with one bed on a frame
Two other rooms but all three of us Rachael, my dad, and I sleep here
My brother Jess sleeps in the extra room, and the other is left empty for my mother
Rachael constantly tries to switch rooms
Everything in this house feels dark
I lie awake at night fearful of the ghosts I assume are around
This is our new home since dad decided to leave the trailer park

Every day I learn new things
Dad has a wife....
Her name is Mary

Mary has two sons
Mathew and Damian
They are Jess's age
Jess knows them

Our mutual mother was Mary's best friend
Jess's dad was married to our mother
Rachael's dad left Mary
He had children with my mother and raised Jess and me
And left his other sons fatherless
And his wife with just a ring

More on Mary....
Dad's talking on the Phone, he is talking to Mary
I think she's planing to come visit us
I want my dad's attention
Rachael and I are playing
Jess is getting annoyed
He grabs us both
By our hair he drags us down the hall
Kicking and screaming
Into the bedroom we go
He throws us both down on the mattress
Rachael jumps up immediately
Past Jess and out the door she goes

I try to get up

He pushes me back down
I try again
I fail
I feel like I am no long in the room
I am watching a scene from some other person's life
I seem to be standing behind a man
I see his belt unbuckle
His pants slack
My mind is in another place but I can sense that this is not someone else's fate
This is my own
We emerge later
I run to my dad
Rach has been crying
My dad drops the phone
Screaming starts
My dad and Jess are fighting
Jess throwing punches
My dad calls the cops
Jess is screaming at me and Rach
My dad is throwing things
The sirens are close to the house
I hear them and think of the problems this will bring
Two men with badges on rush through the door
One grabs Jess, one grabs my dad
Out the door they go...

This is my fault Jess yells
And it's true I shouldn't have been making so much noise
I shouldn't have stayed in the room
I wonder when Jess will be back
I wonder what my dad will say this fight was about
No way is anyone to tell the truth
Blood takes care of blood
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 Next »

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