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Inside the Mind of a Bastard Child

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Author's note: I want to write this to free others to tell their stories and to encourage them that they are not...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: I want to write this to free others to tell their stories and to encourage them that they are not on this earth alone and destitute. No matter what hand you are dealt in this life you can make it if you really want. Even when you feel you have failed or feel like you are stuck in one place, useless, alone, untalented, unqualified for success, undeserving of love or any other label you can slap on yourself you are nothing short of perfectly designed. Each and every person has a story to share and if we all shared ours we would break down the walls that isolate us in our pain and see that maybe this world was created to be more then a holding cell imprisoning us into a life of meaninglessness.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next »

Oh childhood continues

The distinct feeling of falling
Butterflies fluttering their wings in the pit of my belly
I am about to hit the ground
Just as the thoughts crosses my mind, Waaa Bam!
I have met the earth with my knees and hands in the most intimate of ways
Rachael laughs above me looking out from the portal from which she pushed me
Within in seconds I hear her giggles getting nearer and see her land beside me
She looks at me and thanks me for testing the jump first



I love the smell of gasoline
I know it is not the best thing to breath in but I love it
I enjoy the sharpness of its scent
I love the dirtiness and strength attached to its name
I love how it gives the day a feeling of newness and how strong I feel with it wafting into my lungs
I am sitting here playing with a container full of my wonderful friend
I think about how it would feel on my skin
I imagine the scent permanently penetrating my clothes
I ask Rachael what she thinks about me pouring it over my head
Her lips curve into a smirk that I interpret as a smile
She tells me to go for it and I do
It burns my eyes and I feel horribly wet
My dad comes running as I begin to scream
The taste of gasoline is biting
I am swept off my feet and dropped directly in the tub
The shower is turned on and I am sprayed from head to toe until the vary last traces are gone
No longer do I think gasoline will be my favorite thing, and now I reflect upon how Rachael let me proceed .



Sitting on the ground dirt clods in hand
The green little trees just as tall as me
I am lost in a world of play as Rachael sneaks away
I see her shadow returning play pail in hand
She sands behind me
Hundreds of feet parade up and down my body
My hands swat at the swelling welts on my skin
I see tiny little red bodies
I feel the sand in my hair
I run for my dad
He grabs the hose and the water replaces the pain
I stand with my skin on edge waiting for the sensation of red ants to fade






Rachael how do I become as dark as you?
I look at my glowing ghost hand in the daylight
She picks up the house paint
The lid is open and the content is a rich brown
Use this she says and steps away
I pick up the paintbrush my father had used earlier and began to paint myself
I get mostly up both arms before I hear the shouts of my dad
He grabs my shoulders and pulls me away from his paint
He takes out the turpentine and scrubs away the paint
I stand there white once again
Separated from Rachael and my dad once again




This tickles
I giggle with Rachael in the back room
We have the electric drill between us
The vibrations course through our skin
I wonder if the turning could curl my hair
I ask Rachael since her hair is a curly mess
She hands me the drill and suggests I try
I put the bit-less tool to my head
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A clump of hair is balled up in my hand
Little bits of blood are splattered on my hand
I high tail it to the living room
My mother takes one look at me and laughs
I have a bald spot now and she doesn't even care


Up down
Up down
The see-saw given to Rachael on my birthday
It provides everyday with a degree of fun
Rachael starts to jump harder
My body flies in the air
I hate this feeling, my butt bumps off the seat
She's trying to throw me off which she tends to do a lot
My fear makes her laugh
My tears make her laugh harder
And just as I am about to lose it she jumps off and drops me to the ground








Tonight we are having tuna
Big tuna sandwiches on white wonder bread
Rachael hates tuna
She sits at the table as I down mine
My father has decided if we don't eat all tonight he'll beat us till we are black and blue
Desert awaits the completion of our feat
My father yells five minutes and I see that Rachael hasn't even touched hers yet
Tears stream down her face
I look at her and tell her to switch me plates
Her eyes light up with a most thankful expression
I try to down as much of hers as I can
My stomach full with the heaping amount occupying it
I watch Rachael approach my dad and I watch him hand her dessert
“What a good girl”
I sit at the table and beg for more time
I hear him turn Jeopardy on and I sit trying to eat it all
I know I won't make it
I cry as he approaches me
I try to explain I ate most of it
He pulls me out of my chair
Dumps my food in the trash can and winds back his hand
I cling to his arm as the other smacks into my lower half
I wail and I scream until he decided his task was complete
I go to bed without dessert tonight
At least, I think, Rachael didn't have to take up this fight





Sledding
Taking trashcan lids and sledding
My dad is the motel handy man
A carpenter and master painter
But my favorite job is that he is the Snow Plow driver
He makes big piles and we all play
We take turns flying down the snow
One two THREE
GO!!!
Wind in face
Butterflies in belly
Down the slope
Screech...screech
Giggling we come to a halt
Sometimes sliding off and tumbling face first in the snow
Sometimes staying afloat
The best days are snow days!



WAAA WHACK
The room is still for a minute
I saw the wood flying through the air
The woman's hands wrapped around the carved base
Her arms swung back with the force of her burning anger
It all had started with screaming
We were here for dinner not for this horrific, bleeding mess
My Mother, Rachael, my Dad and I all here for an evening together with these seemingly barbaric people

I dash to the bathroom Rachael in tow and slam the door closed
Click
The lock is set in place as the thrashing continues
Someone pounds hollering at the door but I am no fool to open it
My tiny body is shaking, snot runs down my face and tears drench my clothes
Rachael shivers in the middle of the room with me
I can see the scene reflected in the glass mirror above the sink
How pathetic and tragic we look

The women who owns this house is a friend of my mother and father
Or should I say was?
Her hair is jet black and her body is a solid frame
She had seemed nice at first glance and first meeting
However I'd assume her temper gets the best of her when she feels she has been used

The back story is
My mother slept with her husband in a pick up truck
I picked that much up just before the hysteria
I thought back to the red truck in the front and wonder if that might have been where it happened
I watched as the women flew at my mother fists hungry for contact
My mother's hands flying up for protection, her words spewing venom
And that's when it happened
The bat was grabbed

My father arrives on the other side of the door
I hear his voice gruff and demanding
Open the door
I creep away from the door and Rach unlatches the lock
I can't help feeling my barrier between the pain and me is being torn away
My father grabs us and a towel

Out the bathroom door and out the front door we run
My father leaves us and pulls my mother from the house shielding the blows from the raven haired lady
My mothers grasping the towel in hand as she stumbles into the car
My father gets behind the wheel and guns it out of the driveway
I see the man holding his wife by the waist as she screams profanely

My mother is gushing out blood
The green towel is soaked a blackened color and sopping wet
I can't remember the emergency room or the bright lights
I can remember the whimpering cries from the rocking women in the front seat however
And the black jagged stitches like the little prints of a bird connecting the fragments of my mother's skull





“Come Quick!”
“I see smoke!!”
“It's in the house!”
“Daddy pleassssse!”

I watch him laugh at me
I see him shake his head in disbelief
He wants me to leave him be
He is working and I should go play

I keep screaming for him to come
I know there's a fire
We are going to lose our house
He looks at me and then across the street
He gets up and runs

Sure enough a fire was ablaze
I watch from behind the fire truck and my dad disappears
He went into the smoke
No one knows where Rachael may be
I sob uncontrollably

Finally she comes running over with Stinky in hand
Stinky the rat she went back to save
But where is our father he hasn't come back?
Everyone's yelling
Water is spraying into the house
I see the windows shatter
I can't believe this is happening

As we navigate our way down the street we stand awhile
I hear my father shouting after about an hour
He is running down the street
He is a disheveled mess
We are instructed to stay with so and so
And so we wander there

After a long while we return home
The firemen are throwing clothes out the window
We watch as they land in a pick-up truck
We have lost everything in the left side of the house

It takes forever but we get up everything we can and leave
We stay with our mother
Then Dede my dad's girlfriend
Finally we end up getting a motor home to begin our travels out of town
Goodbye nice trailer home
Goodbye loving neighborhood




Tiny little box on wheels
Built in bunk-beds on the side
Small kitchen sink, cabinets and a microwave
A table next to the right side
This is home for more than tonight
We travel down the road my father in the front seat
I wish I could go feel the wind on my face
I despise watching the black road speeding by
Daddy says we will sleep in a parking lot tonight
The shower is above the toilet and the sink
It's hard to move in these closed quarters but this is home for now





Traveling traveling traveling
We are always on the move
Different towns, different states
Everyday, every week, every month
We are stationed in Texas for now





The table turns into a third bed
My dad sleeps on this bed
Even though there are two others he likes us to rotate sleeping with him
I can smell the heat of his breath on my arm
I feel the weight of his arms over my back
I have been awake for awhile now watching the shadows play upon the sink
I want to be asleep to block the thoughts of the night from my mind but behind my eyelids are only memories capturing me in what I most want to forget
I feel his body lift itself from the bed
I bury my head partially under the covers
I look out from under the edge hoping he won't see that I am awake
I see him standing there in-between the bunks and the cabinets
His brow is creased in fury, and his body's hunched in the shadows
I shift my leg and see his eyes rise to meet mine
My stomach sinks as he walks back to the bed
I turn my head away as he comes toward me
I know what's next
I feel him slip into bed next to me
He scoots my body over
I feel his hand begin to rub my bare back
He turns my back so I curl into his chest




Dust is flying up in through the window
I am sitting on the turtle bus and the brakes squeak as we stop for each kid to get off
My stop is coming up
I grab my stuff, I head up the aisle, down the three steps and I wait in the sun
It is hot in Texas
I reflect on the day
I lost my sucker because I talked during lunch when the light was red
It has been a lonely long day
Rachael's bus the hare is coming
When it gets here she bounces off and we head down the dirt road
We turn with the road's winds lost in our own thoughts
We get to the farm and walk past to the trailer park
Rachael opens the door and inside is my mother
She hasn't been around in a least a dozen months
She looks at us, her eyes red from weeping
She wraps her trembling arms around us
Our father is in the hospital
He fell from a ladder a good number of floors
My mother says he's been having seizures
He hit his head and is now in a coma
They don't know when he will get better or be home
He might die tonight
She makes soup like nothing's the matter
On goes the T.V. in goes the Disney movie
I could forever be without a father
Would I live with mom
What state would we be in
Where would we live
My heads cloudy with the possibilities of my future
I am barely closing my eyes for the dark night
I hear the door fly open rain pounding in the tunnels of my ear
I see the darkest of shadows standing in the open door
My father is standing there with his hospital bracelet on
He stumbles in and my mother flies across the trailer to him
The hospital never released him
He left against their orders, walked across the Texas bridge and came home














My father lies on the floor
He looks so weak and frail, I can hardly stand it
I see drool pouring from his lips
His body convulses
His eyes roll back the whites reflecting an eery glow
His foot kicks the wall and every time my body is racked with a convulsion of my own
It makes my tummy turn to see him looking so old
I feel guilty for thinking of him as less than a man
I remember all the times he's stumbled home, holding himself up on my shoulder
I reflect on the times he's rocked back and forth tears flowing down his cheeks
I hate him for being so frail
I hate myself for not being able to do a thing to help
I run to him and push him on his side
Rachael checks to see if his tongue is in the way
I stand watching, praying to an unknown god to understand I can't lose him






My mother has been staying with us since the accident with my dad
She plays cards with me and I have caught her hiding her stuff
Up above the washers and driers in the laundromat
Just as I am sitting here saying, “go fish” she announces it is time to leave
We walk to the laundromat and pick up her stuff, which turns out to have some of my stuff too
She dumps it in a shopping cart
We go to the trailer and my father's on the floor
My father is shaking again
My mother steps over his body and takes out his cash
I watch from the door as she heads towards me
We walk down the dirt path, then the street, and then another street
Mile after mile we walk pushing the shopping cart
We end up in front of Rachael's school and my mother goes into the building
I spot a dandelion and stare at it as I wait trying to be invisible
My mother comes out with Rachael in hand
We walk more and my feet ache as the sun falls and moon beats down on the sidewalk
We are heading to the bus station and we are going to the mountains of somewhere to meet up with my mother's boyfriend and we will live there
My mother has decided that my father isn't fit anymore






After days of sleeping on a bus we reach our destination
We step off in the dead of the night and head toward a red pick up truck
My mother pulls open the door and helps me and Rachael up
She leans over and kisses the man behind the wheel
The man's name is Dan
He has a great white beard and a large gut
His eyes are blue and cold as he backs out of his parking spot
I fall asleep and wake as our car begins the climb up the mountain
We pull up in front of a trailer
The trailer is surrounded by old cars, trucks and buses
Dan owns a junk yard
The porch is screened in and filled with boxes of blueberry muffins
There is no electricity everything runs off a generator
There is also no warm water or plumbing
I sleep in the same bed with Rachael and my mom sleeps with her boyfriend behind the thin sliding door









We have lived in this trailer for months
I have no idea where we live, and if I was lost I wouldn't get home
I have never gone to town or seen the school
Two women show up everyday with puppets and teaching tools to educate me
One Christmas celebration
One sledding accident marking my eye with a red line
One flu
And my mother is tired of having us around
We eat our cream of mushroom soup while waiting for our father to come
My mother called him the other day
He has to get us by tonight or else she'll leave us abandoned somewhere
I hear the tires on the gravel
It is time to go back to Texas
Time to be with our dad again
Goodbye mom thanks for trying
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next »


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