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My Life Upside Down
Well when you start a story you start at the beginning, so really where does the beginning for me start? My life story might start the day I was born but this story started back in the 5th grade. Young, yes I know but that might not be the real start it’s just where I remember things going all wrong for me.
5th grade was not really that bad for me when I think of it as a whole, but within that year my parents divorced, I lost my best friend and lost my good self-image. My parents were going to get divorced it was a given, they would fight all the time. I didn't have a good relationship with my father, he wasn't the best guy in my life. As any kid I was upset that it was happening but I understood why my Mom was doing it. When I say I lost my best friend, I didn't really she will forever be there for me but in 5th grade she went from my best friend to just my friend. It did hurt but it did help my find new friends my first year of middle school. The hardest thing that leads to some more bad things was I started seeing things about myself I hated, basic acne problems and things like that but I also started to think I was fat or well bigger than the other kids. I really wasn't at all I was just growing. That mostly sums up the hard parts of my last year as an elementary kid.
So next came of course 6th grade, everything changed. I did make new friend and everything but had a hard time going from so many friends to having no one at all. I didn't really know anyone in my classes and I was so scared of the big school. That year we had to move to Trenton which was way different than the small town seven mile. I didn't have bussing since we moved about half way through the year so I would walk home. I was having a lot of problems with my dad that I won't go into detail with yet. I thought I was ugly and fat. I started to little by little want to be perfect. I started to hate myself and to think I was only 11, I was hurting all the time but would act like I was okay. I started to want a thinner body and blonder hair. I wanted clear skin and good grades. Wanting them turned in to me almost messing up everything I had. Rumors went around my grade and I was called fat for the first time in my life. I was so used to being called skinny and being skinny but when I started growing I gained some weight. I was still happy though, not totally depressed or anything.
In 7th grade I had my real two best friends Miranda and Maria, me and Miranda were only best friends throughout 7th grade to this day Maria and me are still the best’s friends. This is the year I made up my mind that I didn't want anything to do with my father. I also wanted to do something about my weight, I started to starve myself. I at first so sad I just couldn't to skipping meals and trying to not eat. I lost weight a little but not much. I felt sick and nasty. I hated myself on the outside and on the inside as well. I don't know much about that year I kind of blocked it out of my mind. I dieted and starved nothing much else. I did have many friends but that all started to change.
To end this prologue ill share my 8th grade year, that year my life was upside down. I'll make this short and just share the highlights. I still starved myself, and I started to binge and purge. I also dyed my hair blonde and then brown, I also made one better friend and I cut for the first time. My new BFF was Rachel, she was a big help to me and help me on my worst days. I didn't really have anyone else because I cut everyone out. I was depressed and lonely. I hated myself more than anything, I hated going to my father’s house. Weight and control was the only thing I could think about. I took laxatives when I felt my worst so I could have pain without cutting. It turned in to doing it to lose weight and all and all it sucked. The summer wasn't much better, well other than about a month before school started when I met a guy named Paul ( Paul is my current boyfriend and will be mentioned a lot because he meant the world to me way before we started dating.).
Now on to my life story the way I wrote it, in my journal. My real thoughts not just me looking back in time.
Sep 30, 13
I feel fat, really fat when I look in the mirror and it sucks. I want to cry all the time. Today in school I just felt like running out of class and crying, I know I can't do that though. It’s hard to hold it in, that’s why I binge and purge. My heart hurts and I’m falling apart inside. I’m so scared about people knowing about me, I don't want people to hurt and leave me the way Aaron did ( Aaron was a guy I met and liked and I told him everything, then he left and it broke me. I lost trust in everyone.). So it’s hard to show my feelings, to anyone. I feel like I over ate, I know I didn't but I really wanted to purge. The thing was I couldn't so I took two laxatives. I need to just eat way less or nothing at all. I weigh too much and need to lose weight a lot of weight.
I wish I could just erase all my mistakes and take back everything I’ve done. I can’t I just have to keep going and let my mistakes make me stronger.
Oct 1, 13
Morning. I have school so I don't have to worry about eating anything while there. School is kind of like a getaway. No food and I have all my friends at school.
Well I’m getting depressed and then overeat. I’m going to purge since I feel so good after I do. I’m going to just purge tonight and not eat anything tomorrow I just can’t. I won’t I’m so freakin FAT AND UGLY. Lately I’ve been thinking about telling my mom about my purging. I don't know how to, I know she will blame herself. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy, I don't want anyone to find out. I don’t want to stop, I would rather purge and fast like I have been. There is a part of me that says I don't want to ever stop and I’m too fat to have a problem. Then there is a part of me that says you're a starving child. I’m always so cold and tired all the time. It might all be in my head and I’ll feel better in a while after I purge. I always wait a while so no one thinks anything of me leaving right after I eat. I don't think the laxatives I took are even out of my system yet and its making me feel bad.
Things I Want
LONG PRETTY HAIR
Oct 10, 13
Tomorrow it will be so easy to not eat because of going to Kings Island. I’ll be going straight to Kayla’s I hope. I’ll spend so much time getting ready I won't have a chance to eat. I’m so happy, I can't go to Kings Island with a full tummy. I don’t want to feel fatter than I already do, that would not be fun at all. I need much more control, I want to have all the control.
I just need to get on the right track. Get back to where I was before school started, I was losing weight not gaining like I am now. I hate myself more and more with every bite I take, even the smallest bite of food makes me feel so guilty and sad. It also makes me feel mad at myself.
Let me hurt
Let me cry
Let me feel this in side
Because without, I’m only numb
No feeling at all
I’ll pick up a blade
Bring it to my skin
Desperate to feel something, anything
Watch the blood drip from my skin, then cry
Because once again
And nowhere to be found
Even more that I cry
Do anything to hide my secrets
There is more than one
I want to let go
But a voice tells me no
So day by day
Night by night
I’ll sit silenced
By my own
Messed up head
While the little girl in me
Screams for help
But no one is listening to her
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
Oct 12, 13
I'm way super tired today from being at kings island. It’s about lunch time and I haven't eaten anything, I’ve been saying I’m not hungry and not eating the food that people offer to me. I'm being strong, I’ll make sure I drink plenty of water. It will help to not get bloated and keep the bloating down. Today I should not be able to not eat anything, just because I’m so tired and will be sleeping a lot today. I have jobs to do so I’ll stay busy. I need to lose weight so badly, I don’t even get or see how people could like me with all this ugly fat on my body.
Ugh, I’m going to be fat for forever, I’m going to die fat now. I deserve all the pain in the world. Now I have no choice I must throw up but can’t because it’s too late to purge so I’ll have to take my last two laxatives. If I don't I’ll hate myself but I hate myself already anyways.
THE GUILT EATS ME………...IT TAKES OVER ME!
Over and over again I’ll say
That I’m perfectly okay
But you only know what I say
And that my friend were lies
I spend my day obsessed
Self-image, and food
I don’t eat
But if I do
I have to get it out
I hate myself for what I’ve done
All the pain
I want control and I want perfection. I feel like I will never get to feel or be good enough for any one. No one can fall in love with an unperfected ugly fat cow. Why would anyone? I don't think anyone could love me because of all of my problems and all that’s wrong with me.
I feel so alone and all by myself. I want help to not feel this way all the time but no one could ever help me out. I can't ask for help I’m too FAT to get help from anyone with my eating and there is no way anyone could help me with my self-image problems or anything like that. I’m so tired of fighting with myself every day over and over all day long. I’m so worried if people know they will leave me and could never want me since I’m so messed up.
NO ONE WANTS A BROKEN GIRL.
Oct 17, 13
Today was still so bad. I was better than I have been doing. Tomorrow will be better for me. I have to do better, I must do better. Tomorrow will be good since it will be Friday, I’ll just have to tell my dad I’ve already eaten like I do every time I go over there. I’ll go running and do my best to lose as much weight as I can before I go back to my moms. I have to, I won’t be able to stand it if I don't lose any weight at all. I’m already feeling terrible about myself right now. Gosh I’m so fat and ugly, no one wants a fat girl.
Everything in my life shows how I’m not good enough, I will lose weight and I will be perfect. I don’t feel good just sad and empty, not the good empty I feel from not eating but emptiness in my heart. I just want to disappear. I wish I could be so small that I wouldn't be seen. I just want to be left alone. I can't control my emotions and cry out of nowhere. I have to be in this pain alone so I don't hurt anyone but myself. I deserve that pain and hurt.
Oct 25, 13
I’m so happy to be losing weight, it feels good really good. I feel great, people are starting to say I’ve lost weight and wow it’s a great feeling. I’ve been working out about every night, I go outside whenever it’s warm but it’s been so cold out lately. I can play basketball and swing when it’s warmer out.
I’m going to work much harder, I have to if I’m going to keep losing weight. I’m going to eat less and work harder. I feel so nasty. I just want to be skinny and small like when I was little.im going running tonight, I need to lose fat. I have too much fat on my body. I’ll feel better when it’s all gone Maria says we will lose weight the healthy weight but that will take forever. I’ll lie and tell her I’m eating more when I won’t be. I’ll eat less and work out harder.
Nov 3, 13
Since Halloween I’ve been eating very badly. I’m going to diet the rest of the week and for the rest of my life till I’m skinny. So ill clean my room and do a lot of working out. I’ll drink a lot of water and not eat much. Will make it my top priority. Right now I just feel flat out horrible and I don't want to feel this way anymore. It’s so hard and just way too much for me.
The other day on Wednesday I lost it. I cut again. I was feel so alone and I don't feel like I’m worth anything. I tried not to feel this way to do this anymore. I just can’t help it and felt like I had to. I needed to get it all out. Getting through each day is getting harder and harder. When will the pain stop? Hiding the cuts from the world will be the hard thing now. I don't want people thinking I’m crazy.
What do you do?
When there is nothing left
When there seems like no one is there
Hiding cuts and scars
Hiding my fears and pain
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing how to fight
Everyday I’m more and more lost
All the thoughts in my head
They all just bring me down
What do I do?
When all is lost
When nothing is found
Everything still just as hard
Never to get better
What do you do when no one can hear you?
Even when you're screaming out
For just a little help
You start to love the emptiness because it shows that you're in control. Only you, you are doing what people say is crazy. Only it’s not, it’s not crazy, it’s just my life and my world. I want my collar bones to show and my hip bones to pop out. All the fatness going away. I’m glade in doing all of this because I love the hunger even with the pain. I hurt only because I deserve it. No one gets why I feel this way, they would just think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy I’m just taken control and being strong.
I'm not feeling so good at all. I’m starting to get tired and sleepy. My head hurts and I’m dizzy.
Tomorrow I have Kayla’s party tomorrow and I can’t wait only because I’ll be around friends. I hope it will be fun but it will be hard to get through it. I'm hoping that it all goes good and isn't completely horrible.
Dec 16, 13
Well I’m still losing weight and that is a very good thing. I’m happy in losing weight it’s the only thing that makes me feel really happy. The other night at Kayla’s party was horrible. I started crying out of nowhere and shaken. Madison helped me through all it though.
Last night on the other hand was even worse. I was shaken and hurting so much. I kept talking about myself, with myself. I texted Paul and he got me through it, even though I hadn't talked to him in a very long time. He is so sweet and I’ve missed him so much. He got me through me feeling like I wanted to die. I feel better that I was done. I've been having very bad mood changes and I can't control them. I'm always feeling like an outcast in school and just everywhere I go. I've always felt that way but now it’s gotten worse.
Dec 24, 13
Well I’ve been thinking, so okay you know we all have dreams and dreams show us what we think or what we really want. In my dreams I’m happy, like really happy. Sometimes well most of the time I’m with Paul. We live together in my dreams, I guess what I really want is to be with him. He makes me so happy without even doing anything.
It can be so hard to explain my life and how I feel. I truly just wish I knew or could explain everything I go through. My life is always changing around me. Why is it so hard for me to think of the write words to say? I just want all of this pain to go away. I just miss feeling sad and unhappy all the time.
Jan 1, 14
I've been going back to not feeling anything. Not knowing what is wrong with me and why I feel or right now don't feel this way right now. I'm not feeling well. I’m not sleeping good whatsoever. I want to cut and I don’t want to at the same time. My eating has gotten way worse than it ever has been. I keep saying I’ll get better but I can't get better if I’m not thinking about what is truly the best for me. I'm finally seeing what's going on and how bad I really am and I can’t keep acting like there is nothing wrong or that I’ll be okay when I won’t be. I hate seeing this and knowing it’s true. I’m on the edge of breaking and falling worse than ever before.
I’m not okay. I need to do what I can to help myself. That’s what I need to be thinking about. I've been going back to well not old habits but habits that haven't been this bad in a long time. I need to be okay again. I need to stop looking for a perfection that I will never reach, never in my life.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
lose 30 pounds
grow out hair
get good grades
stop dwelling on the past
find some help so I don't have to keep going through this hurt
Jan 14, 14
I can feel the depression coming over my body. I feel it creeping into my soul. I do not want this, I do not need this in me. Why is it that all of these bad feelings just down pour on to me. Right now and I’m fighting off all my tears.
I've been acting super happy around my friends, so they don’t worry about me. I don’t want people to worry about me but I know they still will. It’s hard to act like I’m happy all the time when I know I’m not. Right now I just feel like I’m going to cry.
Mental pain is the killer within
Why do I feel the world against me when really the world is there for me?
Jan 17, 14
I love a new journal with nothing written in it yet. Blank pages full of mystery and wonder. The mystery of days that I have not yet written about yet. I love the freedom it gives me. I have the freedom to say what I think or feel at any time. Journals and writing gives me a get away from the world around me. I can escape my mind for a bit if I concentrate on writing. Even though sometimes my writing is all over the place.
Goodness, I'm freezing for some reason.
Well…. I purged again today but no surprise there it just has to happen sometimes. I just have to get the food out of me sometimes or I feel like I’m going crazy with it in me. I don't like purging but I feel so much better after it’s over and at the moment in time I just needed to.
Jan 22, 14
Tonight I went to church with my friend Maria. I sometimes just get lost in my head while at church. I’m getting sick of not understanding things going on. When I go to church I get more confused about everything. Like, is there really even a God out there? Because if there is where is he. I keep getting lost in thought that I can't see clearly and going to church is getting so difficult because I feel out of place. I feel like I’m not welcome.
When I was little I would just sit and ask God if he was out there. I didn't get why God would let me hurt when I was little and I guess I still don’t. I don’t understand what is real or not in this world but I’ll find out no matter how hard.
Jan 23, 14
I started to cry after lunch today. I keep telling people I’m fine but I think they know that’s a lie. They know I’m sad and hurting even if I won't say it out loud. Saying I’m fine is probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life. Keeping in all the tears is so hard and I can't fight them away any more. I know people care about me but the truth about me would scare them away. They would all just think I’m crazy or something.
Tonight was horrible, my dad I guess thinks me cutting is no big deal. He just acts like he don’t care mostly because he doesn't at all. What he said hurt more than anything. I don’t see how a father could treat his children the way he does. I hate feeling like I’m a big mess up every time I walk in the doors of my dad’s house.
Feb 26, 14
Questions I ask myself
Why can't you look or be like that?
Would anyone notice if I just stopped talking?
WHO WOULD CARE IF I DIED?
Does anyone care?
Should I even eat that?
Why can't I control myself?
Can they see that scars?
Does anyone care that I haven’t eaten?
Do they know I’ve stopped eating again?
Mar 27, 14
I've been going back to not feeling anything.im so lost in this place that I don’t understand. All the shadows around me are telling me things and they have been saying them for so long they are the only truth I know. I’m far from perfect and not at all what anyone seems to want but if they give me the chance I’ll be the best to them that I can be. I wake up and go to school, I put a smile on my face so that no one will know the truth. I get in moods where I get mad or get depressed but if I have someone with me standing by me I’ll get through with a scratch not scar. I’m not crazy because I have a voice in my head or because I don't eat much. I’m crazy for thinking you won’t leave me in the end. I need people who I know will stand by me no matter what happens not someone who will leave the first chance they get. I’m not good when someone leaves me or just stops talking to me. The last time someone did that I was cutting a lot, was not eating and throwing up whatever I did eat because I thought it had to be my fault they left. I felt like the only thing left to do was punish myself for driving them away. I do drive people away before they can leave or do what I can to get them not to leave me. I know that and so do you. All I’m saying is that only you can make yourself leave someone. So if you are going to end up leaving me do it now so that it don’t hurt more if I become closer to you. Your one of the only people I can talk to and I don't want to lose you but I can't deal with the guilt of thinking you will leave and it will be all my fault. ur one of the few people I have that don't in some way not want to be around me so I just need to know. You don’t have to answer now but someday soon please do.
Mar 27, 14,
Well I leave on Sunday for vacation and I really kind of want to stay at home and also I want to go as well. I don’t want to have to put up with my dad at all. He is so fake and rude and I can’t wait to get away from him. I want to see my mom before we leave but he won’t let me. I’m not going to get to talk to her over break and that’s not fun whatsoever at all. Right now I’m still not doing well at all. I hurt my self-last night but it didn't hurt I couldn't feel anything. Being numb hurts more than any real feeling because you have no feeling. I am more than ready for a break from life and everything around me which is the good part about me leaving.
Over the break I’m going to have more time to think for myself and think about what is really the best for me inside. I can't let my eating or cutting get in the way of things that ii should be able to do. I can't hide and not go anywhere scared ill over eat and hate eating when people are looking at me. Or thinking that if someone sees my scars they will forever want nothing to do with me.
Why is it that for me everything is hard? Nothing good can happen unless a bad thing follows it right after. Maybe I’m over thinking things too much but then again I might not be. Everything is hard on me. I’ll be okay when I’m older though because I know how to work for things and not just get them handed to me. I just am scared to grow up but at the same time can’t wait to be so I can make my own rules and be who I am and not hide.
I never want to be by myself in the car with my dad he just made me feel like I was the worst person in the world. Like I was horrible and ungrateful. I still can't stop crying. I can tell that want I want is clear… I want out. I want to be the one to pick because in moments like this I wish I didn’t exist because I feel so much that I don't madder and never will. I feel like everything is going to go bad.
Mar 30, 14
Well you know today I really felt horrible and like I was not wanted. No one is catching me when I fall or guiding me through a crowd or the darkness of a night. I miss Paul laughing at me for being silly or me laughing at him. I want to hold his hand and never let go. Feeling like nothing could go wrong because he wouldn't let it. When no words are to be spoken just a smile or the way he looked at me made me know what he thought. I don’t truly know what he thinks when he thinks of me or if he would think anything like I do. I know I’d give the world to be with him to kiss him, hug him, or lay out looking at the stars talking. he knows me better than most only because I didn't feel like I had to hide anything with him I didn't have the fear of him hurting me because of him not liking me for me. But he did like me for me. I was myself without hiding. I want to be with him not because I hate my life at home but because he made me feel like I am beautiful and that I am not everything I tell myself I am. I hate how far away he is from me I want to be close to him. I know distance is only as far as you make it but when you can’t see someone face to face that you love it is hard. As long as he loves me and does not forget about me I think I’ll be alright.
Right now I’m still falling down but I know I’ll be alright. I have people who do care even when I don't think there is at all. I know my life is just that my life and no one can change what I do with it other than me and I want to live my life. I don’t want to die. I never wanted to die. Some people think I do or I did but I never did I just wanted to feel something. Because something is better than nothing. I’d rather feel pain than not feel anything at all. I mean being numb is the worst thing to feel because you are just empty and not sad, angry, hurt, happy, loving or hopeful. maybe just maybe I’ll get to a place where I am happy and not fighting with myself or looking at myself only to find mistakes but to find something beautiful or to find something that I can do without thinking what others are thinking about me. Right now I have one wish. To get one week with Paul. Just me and him together... he listens and cares and don't get bothered by me as fast as a lot people do.
Apr 16, 14
Well yesterday was a lot for me to deal with. I had to go with my mom to some stupid evaluation thing for a group counseling thing. I didn’t know that they would ask me a ton of questions like they did. The good thing is that all of my eating habits are still my little secret. When my mom brought it up they didn't seem too worried about it. I made it seem like it was all mostly just over summer time and that it was all over. They believed every little word I said. I'm just glad it’s all over right now. It might be hard to keep eating much less because my mom will be looking over my shoulder to make sure I eat and don't throw up.
Apr 23, 14
My hunger is starting to get to me. I've only been eating one meal a day and I’m still only at 120 to 125 pounds. I need to just stay strong and work past the pain and hurt. I have to push myself to get anywhere. I’m not proud of when I was eating way too much but now I’m getting that back in order. I get so much joy from seeing the numbers on the scale go down. The hunger may hurt but it means I’m doing it right doesn't it? I’d rather feel the emptiness that that horrible full feeling. I don’t see how people could think it’s satisfying at all, I hate that feeling.
My control over food is a part of me and I can't let that go not now not ever. Even if it really does hurt a lot.
I still need to find who I am in this world because I don't get why God put me here on earth to feel all this pain and sadness all the time. Is this just the way life is supposed to be for me?
Apr 24, 14
Going to the doctors is a fear of mine. I don’t want them to say what I already know. I don’t want them to say I have a problem because it will make it real. I think maybe I need help before I spiraled out of control because what if I already have? I have to face what is right in front of me before it's too late.
I hate all of my lies catching up to me because it means I have to tell the truth and I’m scared of the truth.
Life goes downhill and it takes me with it. My mind plays tricks and my mirror lies. I just keep putting a smile on my face and laugh through the pain. I hide the secret world inside me. Every day is full of darkness and all the shadows surround me. They try to take me away. They try to break me and have me out on the edge.im so close to falling but I don’t want to fall. I’m so close to breaking but I don’t want to be shattered. My faith in the world is lost and I feel like I can't be saved. I know I’m alive but sometimes I feel dead. There is nothing that can fill the emptiness I feel right now. My life is falling apart and I don't know what to do any more. Do I really need help or is help even too much to ask for?
I wish I had someone to hold me close and let me know that I’m going to be okay. I need help fighting away the shadows that surround me in the dark.
Apr 26, 14
Today Paul texted me out of nowhere and it shocked me a lot. I wanted to slap him and kiss him at the same time. It made my day a lot better and made me happy because he told me he still loved me and it made me so happy. I’m in a great mood because I thought I would never hear from him again. I wanted to hear from him so badly. It was shocking to see a text from him, I had to double check that it was really him. He always makes me happy and I really hope he doesn't leave me like he has before.
May 5, 14
Today I was really sad for some reason but Paul made me feel better because I asked him why he hasn't asked me out and he said that he wanted to prove to himself that he would be loyal to me for forever. I know he will be because this time is so different from all the other times. He told me that his life wasn't complete without me.
On my way home from track I kept crying for no reason and then Paul asked me out. It was so cute and made me smile and of course I said yes because there is nothing more I’d rather have than him in my life and him being mine. My day might have started hard but oh goodness right now I wouldn't change anything about today at all.
May 12, 14
I’m starting to think that maybe counselling won’t be too bad. I'm just really shy and I’m not good with talking about things. I don't know how it will go or if it will even help. I mean can I be helped? I’ve always kind of thought I couldn't and maybe it’s true maybe I can't be helped.
I'm struggling with my eating, I know Paul does not want me to not eat and stuff but I’m starting small. I’m starting to eat at schools a little bit, only lunch though, I still skip breakfast. Maybe the only person who can really help me is me?
May 13, 14
My last cut was a week ago or so and I still am getting urges to cut again but I have to be strong no matter how weak I feel. I’m stronger than I may think. Maybe I will be okay but I don't know if I want to let go. How do you let go of something that has been in you for so long that it feels like its apart of you?
Find a light through the darkness and hold on tight
Jun 5, 14
Well I think it’s time for me to be honest, about everything. I don’t have to be open with everyone but I at least need to be open with myself. How can I get help if I don't emit to myself what is going on with me. I know in bound to slip up and I can’t keep telling myself it never happened when it does.
I forgot what it's like to not think about food, or think that how I look should not control my life. I’ve lived in a world where I felt so alone that it’s hard to think about what it feels like to not live in it. I now know what it’s like to not be in a world of guilt and it’s amazing. I have a freedom I didn't think existed.
I’ve been so lost in my own lies that I didn't think I could get out. In my heart I know I’m strong even though it is so hard.
I’m finding my true beauty that no one can take away from me.
Today also marks the one month of me and Paul being together. It does not feel like it’s been that long but it has. I still haven't got to see him but my love for him is still growing and I know we will be able to get past it. I love him more than I’ve ever loved any one, he is all I will ever want or need.
Jun 6, 14
So I know my life is not as bad as other peoples but that doesn't mean it’s the best. I don’t even know what is going on. I have moods that change every few hours. I fear that everyone around me will soon leave me, I feel like I have to drive them away so that I don't get hurt. I have an image of perfection in my head that is impossible to reach but I try anyways and just get hurt from it. It sometimes seems like the only way I can get out and away from the pain is by being in pain. I mean what the hell is wrong with me? Right now I’m now sad but I’m not fully happy but that’s better than being sad all the time.
I will be okay, I just have to keep my head up high.
Jun 9, 14
You know that time when you realize that you have everything starting to go great so you slowly stop fight all of your little fights. Right now I don't feel like I want to eat tomorrow but I know I have to. I know I can't because it will hurt me. I know me not eating would upset Paul. The emptiness makes me feel good, I guess I got used to the feeling of being empty then I ended up liking it.
Next Tuesday I have my first counselling thing but most of me does not want to go at all. I know I need the help but it’s so hard to take about all of this. It’s hard to write about it in my journal let alone out loud. I’m not proud of anything I’ve done so it’s hard to say it because it makes it so much more real.
I’m going to get past all of this, I have to.
Jun 15, 14
Things are changing for me, well not me but my world. I made myself a world of darkness and pain so that I would only feel what I thought I needed to. I’m not bad person no matter how much my brain wants to tell me I am. I just have a lot of bad things running around making a mess in my head. Even though things are getting hard I have Paul and he always helps me through things like this when I need it. I have to get past the pain, guilt and hurt IV put myself through. I will be okay, it will just take time and some work.
Jun 25, 14
So today is my birthday, I don't feel any older or any different but I mean how I could? Feeling a change and feeling older takes time it doesn't happen overnight.
My world seems like it’s upside down and I’m trying so hard to be right side up again. To do that I will have to be honest with everyone not just myself. I can't lie and hide thing knowing it will hurt me.
Jul 19, 14
I finally got to hang out with Paul and it was perfect. We went down to the tennis courts and just hung out. I got to kiss him for the first time and goodness I was so shy about it because I was nerves. The butterflies were going crazy in my belly. It made everything in my world light up just by being able to see him.
Jul 20, 14
Things are so hard at the moment because I have to work on small things about myself well not myself just my habits. I’m not really hungry much anymore so it’s hard to try and eat when I know I should be. So I’m not so good at the moment but I’m working on it.
Jul 21, 14
I’m glad I don't have to go to my dad’s but at the same time I don't get how he could keep doing this to me and not just me but to David and Preston. Does he not see this is hurting David? David is only 12 and does not understand why his dad treats him the way he does. (David if I haven't mentioned is my little brother. he thinks my dad is the best thing in the world because he can't remember the bad things and David is my dad’s favorite.).
People always wonder how a girl like me go through so much pain and have so much hurt but I grew up with a father that never cared about anyone but himself. Someone who would just kick me to the side and leave me because he could.
Everyone who ever said that they loved me ended up leaving me at some point in time. Now I just feel like everyone around me will leave me sooner or later.
Once I let all the pain in it was too much for me and just over took me somehow. Now I’m not sure how to get away.
Jul 22, 14
I still feel crazy when I start to talk the way I did as a kid, talking to no one but the voices I’ve made up in my head. It’s like I’ve made up a world around me that I used to escape into since I was a little kid. I’m not fully sure when it started but as a kid I didn't really have any friends or talk to anyone so I guess I just made up friends in my head.
What if I can't be happy till I fully let go even if it’s letting go of my world in my head.
Other than that today was truly amazing and perfect. the way Paul looks at me, it’s like I’m the only girl in the world that he sees, like I’m the only person he will ever love. And that makes me so happy because he makes me happy. I want to hold him and never ever let go.
Jul 26, 14
My morning started off bad, I was up at five in the morning feeling numb. It was really horrible, I honestly wanted to cut but knew I couldn't. I took a shower to calm the nerves. After I was so sleepy that I slept in late and was still overwhelmed with sadness when I woke up but Paul got me out of the funk and I got through the day.
Jul 30, 14
I’ve been getting some really bad anxiety or something. I can't sleep at night because I get scared and hear and see things. It’s really affecting my sleep and my mood. I and my mom are going to look into getting pills to help me sleep. I mostly sleep a lot that’s about it now.
Jul 31, 14
Today is the last day of July and school sadly starts in 20 days. I’m scared to go back to school. My last few weeks, well my last year of school sucked a lot. This year I’m going to think more about school and my work so don’t get caught up in the drama.
Aug 5, 14
I think I am finally ready for this schools year to start. I know I’m going to have a good year this year. I’ve had so many bad years that a good year is what I need. Most of all no drama.
Aug 25, 14
Sunday I was home alone. It was okay at first but then I got scared, more scared than ever and when it got latter it got worse. I’m on edge and get to scared. I don’t think I’ll even be able to leave my bed. I could hear someone walking around. Maybe going to the doctors soon will help. I need something that will help me because this is horrible. I’m not able to sleep at night.
Aug 30, 14
Today Paul helped me with a big step. We went out to eat and he made sure I ate even though it took a long time and I didn’t really finish my food. I’ve never had someone care about me the way he does. It’s a big change in what I know. But I like it.
I also gave Paul some letters I’ve been writing for him and he loved them a lot. More than I thought he would.
(Lets fast forward to present day. its a few months in to a new year and I’m so much happier than I’ve ever been.)
Mar 25, 15
Now I’m in tenth grade and I’m so much happier than I have ever been. I have Paul in my life for almost a year now. I haven’t done anything to hurt myself in a long time, the last time anything happened was I punched a wall over and over again because I was really angry at something but I can't remember exactly. It left a scar though sadly. I'm reminded by my scars of what I have been through and why I won't go back. Now I have friends that help me through my hard times and I’ve also agreed to go into counselling. I no longer have anything to do with my father because I’m better off without him in my life. I found the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. The shadows still come but I am able to brush them off and not let them get to me. I have even gotten to the point where I could get a job without freaking out or having an anxiety attack. I’m so happy and I never want to let go of the happiness that I have. This might be short but honestly short is okay for me. I'm finally doing what I love and not worrying about what other people think, I still have bad days and need help on coping with things that go wrong but I have hope. Hope was the one thing that took a long time to get back as well as trust of cores. After all that happened I found it so hard to find hope or trust myself and the people around me.
I have a new medication for my anxiety so I’ve been able to sleep and be happy. No matter how hard things are I’ve been strong and have found a way to be happy even through some sad times.
The one thing that I know I want to say is that hope is out there, it’s just that sometimes it can feel like it’s impossible to find but it’s out there. I promise that it is. No matter what life throws at you just stay strong through it because getting through it is worth it. Life is worth it.