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Broken, Scared, and in Love
His right fist came clashing onto my own, an easy block. His left then moved in an instant, nearly hitting my stomach. Luckily, I was quick enough to move my left hand to block his hit. He was moving faster as I got slower by the second, as if he was feeding off of my energy. I needed to think
quick, I then realized I could use my block as an attack. I held tight onto his hands, smacked my foot
against the ground in a pivot, and threw him across the room. He flew airborne, his back hitting flat
against the wall, shattering the concrete like glass. He stayed for a moment, trusting he was
unconscious, I relaxed. I was breathing heavily. I had been training for months, hoping I was strong enough to finally beat him. I could now say it was over, I had won. Suddenly, I heard a shuffle. I looked up to see he was gone. Confusion settled in. Where was he? I then heard a crackling in the ground.
“No!” I yelled, realizing I had been tricked into becoming the victim of an ambush. I quickly jumped into a levitation. Barely missing his grip as he sprung out of the ground. I flew back to the floor. I should have known he wouldn't go down so easily. I was a fool. Yet, now wasn’t the time to self-pity. I had a fight to finish. I ran over, not planning anything, just hoping for the best. He swung at me quickly, it was enough for me to assume he had definitely been planning his next attack. In reaction, I hit the ground, sliding straight through the slight opening in his legs. I quickly flipped into levitation, anything to get away from him. I then grasped his ankle with the end of my hair, throwing him into a familiar shatter on the wall. He shot back, faster than light. Before I could visualize my surroundings, I was being thrown. First up, but then I saw a glimpse of him. He jumped into the air and kicked me down, three feet back into the ground. I lay there, in an unimaginable pain. I heard his footsteps slowly approaching. This is it, when I thought I had won, failure slapped me back. I opened my eyes just a crack to see him standing above me. He reached down, gripping my hair within his tight, leather gloves. Pulling me up with a devilish smile. I couldn't give up, I had put into too much work just to give up now. I quickly turned and sunk my teeth into his wrist. Latching on, I yanked out a chunk of his arm. I looked back at him with a glare, spitting out his blood and bits of torn muscle. His face swelled in pain, but he refused to make a noise. I felt his hand tightly grasp my throat. I spat left over flesh and blood into his face. I knew I was going to lose, but I refused losing without splattering his blood everywhere. His grasp was getting tighter; his signature move. I felt my blood drip from my neck.
“Finish her!” The announcer said with impatience. He squeezed. Tearing my throat out and throwing
my remains onto the floor like a broken toy.
The announcer came on once more, “Fatality!”
I threw my controller onto the ground, “Damn it! How do you keep beating me, Dylan?!”
“I’m awesome, haven’t we already been through this?” He said sarcastically.
“I don’t even understand,” I continued, “How can you keep beating me so easily?”
“How many times do I have to say it? I’m awesome, and you suck.” Dylan said once more.
“Yeah yeah. I’m sure you were cheating.” I said ignorantly.
“Using your pure awesomeness isn't cheating, silly.” He said.
“Stop using that excuse!” I said, “It’s annoying!”
“Stop making it so easy to annoy you.” He said with a smirk.
“I-…..ugh!” I yelled.
He laughed. I looked away annoyed, I probably wasn’t mad at Dylan, just at the game. He started poking at my cheek,
“Oh 'common! Don’t be like that, smile Little Emmy!”
I burst out laughing, “I haven’t been called that in years! I thought it died already!”
“I resurrected it.” He giggled. I fell onto my knees, then folded my hands,
“God, have mercy on all of us, Dylan resurrected the worst nickname I’ve ever been given!”
He laughed, “Amen! And give Little Emmy the strength to suck less at Mortal Kombat!” I shot him a glare.
“I don’t suck! You suck!” I spat.
“Tell that to the fifty won matches
by yours truly.” He snickered.
I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to see that I had a new message from my mother:
Come home, you’ve been gone for nine hours.
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. “It’s already nine o’clock!”
“Bullshit! You haven’t been here for more than two hours!” Dylan yelled. I gave him my phone and
pointed to the time.
“See!” I said frantically, “I need to go home!”
“Aw! We were having fun! Don’t go yet!” He begged.
“Sorry, I don’t want to upset my mother.” I said apologetically.
“Oh….Can you hang out tomorrow? After school?” He asked, holding a puppy dog look in his eyes.
I sighed, “Maybe. I’ll do my best.” I reassured.
“Okay!” He exclaimed.
His excitement caused me to see a spark in his eyes. Weird how he always wants to hang out with me. To think we didn't even know each other a year ago.
I left his house quickly. I decided to ride my skateboard, since it would help me get home faster. As I walked inside my house, I felt my phone vibrate; Dylan was calling. I clicked the answer button on the screen.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Hey, you forgot your beanie.” He said.
“Can you give it to me tomorrow? I’m already home.” I said, shocked. I could have sworn I was still wearing it.
“Sure!” He laughed.
“Thanks, bye!” I said.
“Bye…” Dylan said with a disappointed tone.
“That was odd.” I said curiously.
“What?” Mom questioned.
“Nothing.” I said, walking to my room.
I wonder why Dylan sounded so upset. Was something wrong?
Did I say something that I shouldn't have? I felt my phone vibrate. It was Dylan:
Hey. Do you ever the urge to turn into a Pegasus?
I laughed, and started to reply:
Lol. Boy, what have you been smoking? Everyone knows it would be better to transform into a pony!
I sent the message. About a minute later, I felt my phone vibrate again.
Nope! Ponies suck! Pegasus is where it’s at!
Smiling, I started typing rapidly. For some reason, whenever I was either excited or angry, my texting speed would multiply rapidly.
I like ponies.
Good for you. He replied.
Don’t you like ponies??
I had managed to hold a smile on my face for some time. It had been getting to the point where my face was starting to hurt. Like something was pulling at my cheeks.
Psh! Ponies are awesome. If not ponies, what do you like?!
It had been five minutes, and Dylan still hadn't replied. I thought he was simply typing out a list of everything he liked.
I felt my heart skip two beats. My face was getting hot. As if I had been spending too much time in the sun, and had a dreadful sunburn. I couldn't think straight. How do I reply to that? That one word was like a soft melody to my ears. But how could I reply? It had already been three minutes. I had to think fast.
"Skrew it!" I exclaimed
“Wow.” I said to myself. I spent ten minutes thinking, and saying “what” is all I could think of? Really?
Dylan hadn’t replied after that. It was already the next day, back in my first period: social
studies. I was listening to the announcements. I then heard his name called down. I quickly thought. I needed to talk to him. I then remembered it had been a chilly May morning. I noticed I was still wearing my jacket.
“Can I go put m jacket in my locker?” I frantically asked.
“Sure. Hurry up though.” My teacher replied.
I quickly left. I knew I wasn't going to my locker. I was heading straight to the office. I don’t know what I was planning to say. I had to say something though. Anything better than “what”. I could feel my heart pounding, like a drum ready to burst out of my chest.
I got to the stairs. Dylan was walking up, with a pass in his hands. He smiled,
“You here to slap me?” He said jokingly. I rolled my eyes, remembering a previous conversation.
“Oh come on!” Dylan said, “Tell me who you like!”
“No!” I yelled for what it seemed like the millionth time. I heard a car door slam shut. I looked carelessly out the window. My father was home...early.
“Oh s***!” I blurted.
“What?” Dylan questioned.
He didn't understand. Knowing my over-protective father, he was going to want to have a lovely talk
“You're going to have to meet my father. If you say anything stupid, I will slap you.” I said nervously.
“If I say anything stupid? So if anything is stupid is said in any situation, beyond this one, you will slap me?”
“Yes.” I replied.
“You know. I’m not avoiding this.” I said with determination. His smile faded.
“…I am.” Dylan said with hesitation as he walked past me, heading for his locker.
I couldn't think anymore. I walked to my locker to put my jacket away. Walking back my head was boiling over with thoughts, feelings, and emotions. What did he mean? “I am.” I was playing that
sentence over and over again in my head, like a broken record. I could hear his voice clearly every
time. As if he was saying it right in front of my face repeatedly.
I spent the entire day searching for him, but I couldn't find Dylan. As I walked into my room, I decided to pull up my phone and try to get some answers:
What do you mean you’re avoiding this?
I must have read the message at least twenty times before I sent it.
I didn't know what I was thinking, okay?
I started to reply. My head spinning rapidly, like a small child with a kaleidoscope.
You. Dylan replied.
Why? Can’t he just stick to his word? Why couldn't I just tell him? Why did I fall in love with
someone like him? I shook my head. Who I am kidding? How could I not fall in love with someone like Dylan? He was everything I could ever ask for. We had everything in common. We were practically the same person. The one difference between us; if I told someone I liked them, I would stick to it. I couldn't blame him. I knew he wasn't confident with himself. I could only blame myself, I didn't tell him.
Why did I have to be so insecure about this? In my reality, nothing matters anymore. The only person I could talk to, the only person who could truly comfort me, wanted nothing to do with me. I threw my phone across the room in anger. I heard the screen shatter as it smacked against the wall. I slowly got up, opened my door, and stuck my head out.
“Mom, I’m going to bed….” I said quietly.
“Oh….Okay.” She said, confused. I don’t go to bed this early. My mother is used to me going to bed
around three in the morning. I wasn't shocked to hear that she was confused. I collapsed on my, as if I had gone days without rest. I felt something hot roll down my face. I pulled my hand up to this warm liquid; it was a tear.
I was walking down the hallway. Looking downwards, I pressed on. The last week had been a living hell for me. I hadn't had depression like this before. It was like something had died inside of me. No, it was more than that. It was like everything died inside of me. I was just an empty shell with a beating heart, and tears rolling down my face.
“Are you okay? I mean, I know what happened with Dylan, but I haven’t seen you this upset since Carly died in that car crash.” Hayley questioned, with a very concerned look on her face. Carly, my first best friend. She perished in a deadly car accident a few years ago. The car was thrown off of a bridge into a lake. She survived the fall, but drowned in the half frozen water.
“I’m fine.” I whispered. I attempted to pull a small smile, but I couldn't. It was like my brain had failed in telling my muscles to smile. As if it was too focused on handling my depression.
“Are you sure you want to walk me to SSR? We pass his class where he waits outside.” She pressed.
“I said I was fine!” I yelled. I immediately regretted it.
Hayley remained silent. We then turned the corner, where he was waiting for his class to be unlocked. I avoided eye contact, I doubted it was a challenge for him to see me. Yet, for me, it was like I was watching my best friend being brutally beaten, then gruesomely slaughtered. I looked over at Hayley. She was looking past me, holding a glare. “What are you looking at?” I questioned.
“Dylan,” She responded immediately, “He was hiding from you, behind some tall guy with glasses.”
“It was probably Aaron.” I remarked with a hint of curiosity.
“Are you serious right now? Dylan was hiding from you. All you care about is who he was hiding behind? What the hell, Emma!” Hayley spat. I looked downwards. It’s truly shameful, I knew he was hiding from me. I could see it from the corner of my eye. I thought I could take my mind off it for a split second by acting like noting happened, or possibly focusing on who he was behind. Yet, I knew somewhere inside me no one was going to let me forget. Being constantly reminded of Dylan was like getting slapped with failure again. No amount of training would have prepared me for this. I was my own enemy. I was ambushing myself and tearing my own throat out. I was losing a match to myself.
No one was going to let the two of us slip through this mistake. I guess that’s what everything was; a mistake. It was a mistake I didn't tell him. It was a mistake I let myself get to this point. Every mistake somehow led back to me, like everything that has ever happened was my fault.I
thought it was, but that was something else my friends wouldn't let me slip.
“Hey, I have to go now.” Hayley whispered. I looked up to see we were already at her class.
“Okay, see you next period.” I said. I began to walk down the staircase, where he still awaited his classroom to be unlocked.
I saw him talking, smiling, laughing. It must be nice, it has been so long since I smiled, let alone laughed. I seemed to have forgotten what it feels like. Despite all of this, I was simply happy. Happy to see he was laughing. Though it hurt to see he was fine without me, it left a warm feeling knowing he wasn't in my position. I’d rather die than to know he was feeling my current pain. I then turned the corner; my back against him. I heard a voice, I was hesitant to come to a conclusion. Yet, I know I was correct on who the voice belonged to. Though it had been to long since I last heard it, I was certain. I could never forget Dylan’s voice, after all.
“Thanks for noticing me!” He yelled. I didn't look back, not because I was mad, or because I was
attempting to make it seem as if I heard nothing. Yet, because I didn't want him to see my face. I was crying, for probably the sixth time that day. Though I did shed many tears, I didn't want him to know this. I refused to let him know I was in pain.
The bell rung; beginning of SSR.
“Hey, is something wrong?” A familiar voice asked. I looked up to see my friend, Katie.
“Why do you ask?” I quickly replied, attempting to withhold my obvious depression.
“Well you haven’t laughed or smiled in over a week. Not even when I draw a Man Eating Cow. You
always laugh when I draw one. What’s wrong?” Katie asked again. It was more obvious than I thought.
Katie was never one to see one’s emotion through body language. She had always been quite oblivious
to the feelings and stress of others.
“Oh, well,” I paused for a moment. “I've just been tired lately.” I lied straight through my teeth. I hate lying to my friends. It makes me feel as though I’m not a friend, just someone posing as one.
“Well then sleep, silly!” She exclaimed.
“Will do.” I responded.
I then saw Dylan walk in. At first, I starred. I soon looked away as my teacher walked in. I realized he was just finishing his final exam. I pulled out my phone to check the time; the classroom clock was incorrect.
“Who are you texting? Is it Dylan?!” Katie yelled. I looked over at Dylan to see him starring at me.
“Is he your boyfriend? He is! I knew it!” Katie pressed.
“Katie-” Dylan was still starring at me; he could hear her.
“How long have you guys been dating? You’re such a cute couple!” She proceeded.
“Katie!” I interrupted.
“What? Oh sorry, you probably need privacy. You are telling Dylan how much you love him!” She smirked.
“Katie. He’s right behind you, he can hear you.” I whispered with anger.
“Who?” She asked.
I rolled my eyes, “Dylan.”
“Eh?” She turned around to see Dylan quickly looking back at his computer screen.
“Oh, whoops-y daisy!” She said with glee.
“You’re an idiot.” I said with ignorance.
For the rest of class, we messed around. Giggling at stupid doodles, and the jokes that came along with them. It had been the first time I smiled and laughed in over a week. I pressed it, something came over me during the period. Going such a long time without his eyes looking in my direction, I became desperate for his attention. Though this meant my teacher coming to our table many times, practically begging us to remain silent. It was still relieving to have my eyes drift over, and see his gazing upon me.
Dylan left around five minutes before the bell rang. Giving me no reason to continue these childish acts. I then remained silent,having guilty feelings as I watched Katie get after school detention for continuous laughter and talking. I couldn't help but feel as though I gotten her into trouble. I was waiting in the upstairs hallway, where the art classrooms and computer labs are. I saw Dylan walking in my direction. I walked towards him.
“Hey.” I said with a small smile. He nodded.
“How are you feeling?” I said confidentially. Remembering Dylan had been in the hospital with kidney issues due to a rapid consumption of energy drinks.
“Fine, my stomach hurts now and then, the medicine is helping.” He said.
“Awesome! Hey, I really wanted to ask you something...Can you stop?” I said, assuming he knew what
I was talking about.
“I wont stop avoiding you.” He said, and kept walking, like nothing happened.
I stood there, silently. Not moving, barely breathing. I saw tears drop onto the floor. Without hesitation, I pulled my phone out
and called my twenty three year old brother.
“Hello?” He answered.
“Noah, can you come and pick me up from school?” I said, still crying.
“What happened, honey?” He seemed rather concerned.
“I don’t what to talk about it right now, just please come get me.” I pushed.
“Okay, I’m on my way, hold on sweetheart.” Noah said. I hung up.
About fifteen minutes later, I was walking with my brother, to his car.
“You want to talk about it?” He asked.
“Not really, I’m sorry.” I apologized.
“Don’t apologize Em, it’s okay. I’m taking you home.” Noah said.
“Okay.” I whispered. The car ride home was long, I blankly starred out the window, wishing I didn't exist. As we pulled up to my house, I thanked Noah for picking me up. As I walked into my room, I threw my bag onto my bed, and collapsed onto the floor. On my hands and knees, I began bawling.
Crying harder than before, tears were pouring out faster and faster, like a rapid river. Not only was I crying, but I was coughing. Choking on nothing, it was getting harder to breathe by the second. It was like someone was stabbing at my neck, repeatedly. I fell flat onto the ground, still crying. It seems as if I had blacked out, for when I awoke it was the next day; Saturday morning.
About a week later, Dylan started talking to me againIt was at our school orchestra concert. We were talking, laughing, and acting as if nothing happened. About two days later came Memorial weekend, we were together everyday. It felt good to have him back. The feeling only got better when Saturday came. The day we confessed to each other. Saturday of Memorial weekend was most unforgettable. Though our relationship ended a few days ago, I know that not everything will turn out like a fairy tale, but to still keep faith in yourself, and not give up on your feelings. People may come along and make your life hell, people who you care so much about can change everything. I now always remember: the farther they push you away, the tighter you hold on, because once you let go,
they may be gone forever.