Please Don't Say That You Love Me

November 5, 2017
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White, puffy clouds were bunnies
With tails that curled.
They slowly shifted into
Little droplets of clear pearls.
Did the sky ever look down
And see a wondrous young girl?
Because all her dreams disappeared
As a gust of wind whirled.


They left so fast...

Why would the sky teach a little girl
That beauty never lasts?


A little cheetah in hand,
I kick of my small boots covered in sand.
Everything I thought of was in my total command.


I felt like a princess in that short skirt and white tights.
My reflection in the mirror smiled with delight.
I was filled with confidence by the pretty sight.


But women in my life reminded me of what I should’ve already known,

“White makes you look fat”


Never again have I worn white tights,
Cause since then, I have grown.


My life became a simple list of do’s and dont’s.
They taught me that the things I loved
Were the worst things I owned.
The goal of a girl is to ALWAYS look thin to the bone


Why the hell did I need to be so perfect and bright?
Mirrors are now horrors that spark a fight
Inside parts of my mind without any light.


Those people won’t know the violence they’d ignite
By planting seeds of self-destructive dynamite.
They made me feel so weak I craved control to stay alive.


Did they ever realize….
That after years of strangling myself so tight,
One day I lost the courage to take a single bite.
My demons continued to kill me despite
Taking in the little white pills my doctor prescribed.
I started weighing less than the princess with white tights
But I had become a teenager with a normal height.
All because my own thoughts left me deprived.


Yet... I am still alive.
Because I refused to let others decide what’s wrong and what’s right.


Oh, the little princess
in that picture on my phone.
I couldn’t recognize her during all those cold nights alone.
Sitting on the fluffy chair that once was my throne,
I feel it covered in tears and tons of cheap cologne.


Lying there on the hard bench painted bright red,
I didn’t move as rain clouds started to spread.
Instead, I let the cool drops bounce on my head.

Rain has since become a sign of comfort for this fatherless daughter.

My mind rests at last with the sounds of rainwater.
The sky, like me, couldn’t face its own monsters.
I realized the clouds will always have sympathy to offer.


Mom called me from far away.
It was the sunset hour of a autumn day.
Even the magical fragrances couldn’t make me stay.
My small nose sniffled,

While I ran downhill with a fresh daisy bouquet.
My eyes adjusted at the fog that turned fresh air grey.
Not having Mom by my side did not feel okay.
I didn’t know that her heart was already betrayed.

The wind blew back my coat and hair as I sat
like a lady in the way I was taught.
Mom gave me a cup of cocoa, still steaming hot.
And chocolate really shouldn’t tie my heart into knots
But just a few years later,
Desserts made my demons scream horrible thoughts.
All the pleasures I once had have become long lost.


But then, hearing the words that sounded more like charms,

“I love you”.

My little body fell into mother’s arms.
Then when she let go,
Reality creeps back like a blaring alarm.


These days, I go to the gardens still.
Why can’t I seem to find happiness or thrill?
Since fifth grade, life’s been going downhill.
These gardens bring back memories that give me chills.


But I always go anyways.
Even though they remind me of the last bouquet
Dad gave mom as my world decayed
I still love the pine trees standing far away.
They remind me
That my colors will never fade.
No matter how cold the world is,
at least there’s only myself to obey.
In a world like this, growing up’s the only way
I can protect my soul and climb up each day.
Nothing in the world could put me in dismay,
For I stopped relying on others to commit and stay.
I stopped believing they’ll love me forever
Because they will care for only today.


Your arms around me don't feel warm.
They remind me of the boys
Whose words felt like thorns.
I see you in their eyes
When I hear lies they perform.
How I yearned for you
When I gasped for air on the floor.
When I cried out louder than a storm.
Your absence made me feel ignored,
But I don’t need you like I did before.


When he talks to me, my dad’s voice always soars,
But I have learned to forget it and just smile more.
When I hear the words I had once adored,

“I love you”


They don’t warm me at all.
No, not anymore.

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