How to Act in Front of Your Crush

January 3, 2019
By Mrs_Babble_Dolittle SILVER, Atlanta, Georgia
Mrs_Babble_Dolittle SILVER, Atlanta, Georgia
5 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered."
"If I speak in human or angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."
"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

Are you internally freaking out because you’re about to see your crush, and you want to act like a normal human being? Well, fear not, Young Skywalker. Trust me, I’ve been there, and these are the strategies that have helped me achieve the romantic outcomes I desire:

1. Accidentally knock over a container of mayo/yogurt from the Indian restaurant your group is eating at, admit that it was indeed youwho spilled the mayo yogurt sauce, then clean it up ineffectively with a bunch of napkins.
2. If you and your crush are friends from camp or something and haven’t seen each other for awhile, when you finally do see your crush, hesitate awkwardly before giving him a hug because you aren’t sure if he’s going to high-five you or just say “hey, how’s it going?” and not hug you. Ya never know. The possibilities require at least an awkward moment of mental calculation.
3. Maintain uncomfortable body language around him. If you’re sitting next to him at an Indian restaurant (using the hypothetical example from #1), folding your arms and leaning as away from him as possible is generally a good rule-of-thumb to follow.
4. Stumble over your words and say dumb things around him. For example, if you’re ordering a macaron, pronounce it incorrectly when he asks you what you’re ordering. If he lets you know that a macaroon is a coconut-based cookie, while a macaron is what you’re actually ordering, just say, “Ohh,” and act like you’re a middle schooler being given the sex talk for the first time. It works, trust me.
5. If your crush ever for some reason comes over to your house to play games with you and your friend, try your best to end up blowing your nose all night because of some ultra-spicy ramen you ate.
6. Put a weird grin on your face every time your crush looks in your direction, and make sure your eyes look at every single thing in the room but your crush.
7. Along the same lines as #6, act like you don’t notice your crush, and make sure to babble about the classes you’re taking in all the conversations you two have together.
8. Tell a really embarrassing story about failing your license test to your friend that your crush accidentally overhears. Then panic and blurt out something that doesn’t make sense, like that the DMV office you took your test at (a well-populated suburb) might as well be the country.
9. Don’t convey the full extent of your intelligence to your crush. A good way to do this is to forget how to do basic math in his presence and incorrectly total the pizza bill. 
10. Instead of just telling him how you feel, tell all your mutual friends instead and swear them to secrecy. This is ideal because, whenever your friends see you and your crush interacting, they will make faces at you and accidentally make you laugh, which your crush (whom your talking to) will think is weird because nothing in the conversation was funny. This is your cue to exit the conversation, and you can do this by explaining to your crush that your dog really needs you right nowand that it’s an emergency.

There you have it: 10 tips on interacting with your crush. These are fool-proof, tried-and-true strategies, and you there is no possible way you can go wrong with them. I've used these tips before, and the number of romantic relationship problems I've had in the past year is 0!

Note: If you read this article and thought to yourself, “Huh, I never thought that of strategy!” then do yourself a favor and consider purchasing my romantic relationship development program. It costs a measly 20% of your annual income (before tax subtractions) and will help you unlock the secrets you need to know to effectively manage the romantic relationships in your life! Book your free consultation here (hidden charges may apply). 

The author's comments:

This is a satire/humor piece that, like a Taylor Swift song, may or may not be fictional. Hope you enjoy.

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