Thanks! Everything is really helpful except for where you talk about the mental hopsital white.

You know, like mental hopsital. . . pysch ward, etc.

Hi! I love these kinds of stories. :) I love your writing style, and the way you wrote your story.

Lemme tell you, the details were just awesome. A little too awesome, hmm? Yep! I felt like the descriptions definitely overpowered the beautiful story you had in mind. Yes, that's the same mistake I do.

Also, I noticed a pattern in your writing. After the word "said", you add a description.

For example, you wrote, "I said, her eyes telling me she already knew the answer." I hope you understand what I mean. Y'know, you write a description after the word, "said." It makes the writing a little too . . . well, it makes it seem as if you're trying too hard.

Your descriptions overpowered the story, like I said before. I felt lost and confused sometimes. It took me a moment to catch up.

Another thing: after Desirae faints in the first chapter, you wrote, "I was in an unconscious downfall." I feel you could've left that out.

What else? Hmm . . . oh, yeah! Your use of words was beautiful, but at times, they didn't make sense. For example, you wrote, ". . . the walls were a mental hospital white."

Hospitals aren't exactly mental. I'm sure you didn't mean to say that, though!

Overall, it was great! I loved it so much! I want to read more. Just be more "free" with your writing style. Again, this is another mistake I tend to make. :)

Please don't feel disheartened. I loved it! Plus, this story seems to be a big hit. Keep writing! :D

Awesome new chapter, I'm looking forward to more. How many different protagonists are going to get the first person treatment?

The only complaint I really have is that the word dark is used to frequently as an adjective, or at least too close to itself in succession.  Other than that though, it's a sweet novel.

Wow!! Great character development. I feel like I already know your characters!! You have an amazing talent with description and character development, keep up the good work!!

~Artemis

P.S. Is Liam her older brother?

This was really great! I'm glad I found it! The detail in the whole piece, especially when she's getting attacked, makes it very vivid and enjoyable. & I think that the guy's contrasting looks to what he does to her seems kind of fitting & unpredictable. Why does the guy have to look mean to be mean?

Anyway, great job & I'm really looking forward to the rest of it (especially with the Sovereign, since I know a bit about them now)! (:

I'm really looking forward to the rest of the science fiction elements to come out in the later chapters--let me know when you update it!

The details and the flow of the first chapter really fit very nicely, it definitely has the "introductory" aspects to it.

i like it...my only problem is that u switch back and forth from present to past tense! also I agree with arsenictruffle! when I read '...His contrasting chocolate brown eyes...' I thought...idk what I thought...but not that he would hurt her...when i think of chocolate I think loving, and kind! you should definately choose different adjectives! I like it though! Keep writing! :)

~Emmaline~

Very nice. You're developing your characters quite well with very few words. I love the building suspense and the detail in which you describe the diner.

Minor critiques: "Big Bertha" is a little cliche. I know you're only at the beginning of this but I would consider another name. Also, (again very minor) when you describe the attacker, he has "chocolate brown eyes" and "peach lips." Chocolate and peaches convey a feeling of warmth that I am not sure you are trying to achieve in the description of this cold character. Consider different adjectives?

I want to read more! I hope you continue with this project, it has peaked my interest!

-Bekah