Imagine a baby boy with bright blue eyes and creamy white skin. Imagine how that little baby boy’s cry sounds. How his laugh sounds. Got it? Now connect that image of that little, fragile baby boy with the name Levi. “Joined in harmony.” That little blue-eyed baby boy would be mine. We would be joined in harmony, that little boy and me.

We would be inseparable. I would buy him everything, from diapers to blankets and back again. I would stare into his blue eyes and tell him that he is mine and I am his. I would tell him that I love him and that no one will hurt him. I would sing to him and play him all my favorite music; letting him soak up all the uptown funk he wants. I would keep my little promises to him. I would always love him, I would always be his, and nobody would ever hurt him. He would be my little Levi.

There is just one problem. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This means I will be on medication every day for the rest of my life. It also makes pregnancy very dangerous if not treated properly.  I could have a miscarriage, a stillbirth, preeclampsia and many more unpronounceable medical terms. I am afraid. I do not want to end a baby’s life by it just being in my body, growing with me. I want all the babies to be safe and sound; I do not know if my body is equipped to handle that, physically or emotionally.

How is it that the chance of having a safe pregnancy went out the window with a simple blood test? How is it that my baby might die inside of me just because of two words? How is it that my little baby boy may never truly be connected to me by blood? How is it that life is so unfair?

I would still adopt and take care of someone’s baby, my baby. There is something to be said however, about having your own flesh and blood by your side. You would see a mini me grow up and see how their personality changes with time, how they are like you. I want that baby boy to be my own flesh and blood. I want to be his mommy.